Today’s throwback Thursday post was originally posted on Feb. 14th 2014

Boston.com – Two cows were hit by a car and killed on Route 6A in Sandwich late Thursday night, police said.

A Honda Civic was traveling eastbound near the Hammond Road intersection at about 8:10 p.m., when it hit the two cows. They were dark-colored and difficult to see in Thursday night’s storm, police said.

The Honda Civic suffered severe front end, hood, windshield, and hood damage, police said.

The two cows were found dead by officers arriving at the scene. Massachusetts Department of Transportation workers removed the animals, and returned them to their owner on a farm nearby, police said.

Like we don’t have enough shit to worry about around here, now we have to worry about dodging cows in the street? NStar is poisoning us, drones are watching us shower, windmills give us vertigo, and now cows are running up the deductibles on our Honda Civics?

This poor lady must just be in absolute shock right now. I have probably driven two million miles of Cape Cod roads and not once, not one single time in my life, has the thought ever entered my mind that there was any chance whatsoever that I might hit a fucking cow. This lady hit two cows. TWO COWS!

Talk about being on the wrong side of blind luck. Times like this make me wish I was the Cape Cod Oprah. This lady would have a new car and that farmer would get his cattle replaced faster than you can say Centerville Pie Company.

I propose we institute a new law, we will call it the “You hit it, you keep it” a.k.a. the “one in a million” law. It’s like winning a meat raffle at the Elks Lodge. If you beat the odds and actually kill two cows in a Honda Civic on Cape Cod the least you should get is a couple of Tenderloins and a Porterhouse out of the deal right?

P.S. If someone told me before today that I would use that headline during my career as a writer for The Real Cape I would have told them there was a better chance of Insane Tony thinking a rational thought.

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I actually tried this once during a storm a few years ago. I got like a quarter mile away from my buddies house and ran out of gas. I almost died out there that night, and by almost died I mean a friend rescued me in his pickup like seven minutes later. They’ll probably make a movie about it someday.

 

 

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CapeCodTimes.com – A late Labor Day is not forcing a change in the Falmouth Public Schools’ calendar for the 2015-16 school year.

The Falmouth School Committee voted unanimously Tuesday night to keep the first day of school on the Tuesday after Labor Day, which this year will be Sept. 8. That will push the last day of school to June 28, including five extra days built in for snow days.

The committee had been considering moving the start of school up a week to Aug. 31, which would have put the last day of school at June 22 at the latest. But the change would have required the consent of the Falmouth Educators’ Association because the post-Labor Day start is stipulated in the teachers’ contract.

The district put an online survey up on its Facebook page this past weekend to solicit parental feedback, and the responses were split nearly 50-50 between starting before or after Labor Day.

Parents were 50/50 on this? Blasphemy! Starting school before Labor Day may be the most un Cape Cod thing I’ve ever heard. I know that we can be partial to hyperbole on this site but I mean it this time, this is the worst idea in the history of Capekind.

What’s next? Are we going to move the 4th of July to August? Maybe we should start putting hamburger meat in our stuffed quahogs instead of Linguica? How about we make people wear socks with flip flops? Who thinks of these atrocities? If you voted to make kids go back to school before Labor Day, you should have your Cape card taken away immediately because tradition and history mean nothing to you.

P.S. Just stop making up snow days, nobody actually does anything on those days in the spring anyway, even the teachers are completely mailing it in by then.

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fknb – Everyone likes to find a trash-free beach, but not everyone leaves the beach with all their garbage. Sometimes people forget the garbage they set aside, sometimes the wind carries it away, and other times people are just not bothered enough to make the effort. Getting rid of all that unsightly trash requires a lot of manpower, many hours of volunteer work, and very deep pockets.

Luckily a young designer by the name of Mingyu Jeong has already thought of an environment-friendly solution to this worldwide dilemma. It is an automated robotic beach cleaner with a built-in 3D printer called Dr. Recare. The robot has optical and acoustic sensors that can identify bits of plastic as it sifts through the sand and picks up trash using its five-fingered robotic hand. The integrated 3D printer melts down the collected plastics and uses that to 3d print recycling bins. It then navigates the beach, and places the bins in strategic locations.

Unless I’m missing something here, there is a glaring problem with this machine. Won’t the beaches this thing cleans end up with way too many recycling containers? If it keeps picking up plastic and making new bins over and over, won’t there be a huge surplus of bins?

Well, lucky for Mingyu Jeong I am a problem solver, so here’s my solution. Once the beach has enough recycling bins, start 3D printing Solo cups out of the plastic and leave stacks of them all around the beach. Better yet, print out tables too and then organize the Solo cups on the tables for games of Beer Pong.

How great would it be if you could go to the beach, play beer pong all day and not worry about cleaning up the mess? The robot could just come by every night and recycle the whole setup into a brand new one. This idea may instantly restore Cape Cod as the countries premier vacation destination.

P.S. 3D printing technology makes my brain hurt, the possibilities are legitimately infinite.

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CapeCodOnline.com – A Cotuit man was arraigned in Barnstable District Court on Monday after he allegedly attacked a woman with a fire poker during an argument about a coal stove, according to police and court documents.

Ralph Baker, 61, was arrested after he allegedly told police he waved the fire poker in the woman’s face at his residence on Santuit-Newtown Road, according to the Barnstable police report. The woman told police that she and Baker got into an argument after Baker had let the fire extinguish, according to the report. Baker allegedly swung the poke about an inch from the woman’s face and told her to shut up, the report said.

Baker told police he did wave the poker at her but “I would never hit her with it,” according to the report. Police never recovered the fire poker, according to the report.

Baker pleaded not guilty to assault with a dangerous weapon and was released on personal recognizance. He is due back in court for his pretrial hearing Feb. 23.

You have to feel for Ralph here. Assaulting a woman is never OK, but everyone openly admits that Ralph didn’t actually hit anyone. He merely waved the poker at her. How can you charge someone with assault if they never touched the person they supposedly assaulted?

Clearly what happened here is the woman was giving Ralph a ration of shit for letting the fire go out. That is pretty much the most demeaning and emasculating thing you can say to a man. You just don’t mess with a man about his fire skills, that’s life 101, right up there with not telling a woman that her ass does, in fact, “look fat in that dress”.

Instead of questioning a man on his fire skills, you might as well pull out a pair of calipers and start measuring his nuts, feeling for an Adam’s apple and openly question his manhood. Fire is in a man’s DNA and questioning his ability to create or maintain it will usually result in a much worse fate than having a poker waved around near you.

Ralph Baker shouldn’t be facing charges, he should be getting the Nobel “restraint” prize.

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CCT – On this day in the bitterly cold winter of 1936, as reported by the Associated Press –

“Seven CCC (Civilian Conservation Corps) youths, marooned on floating ice in Cape Cod Bay since noon Sunday, were rescued by Coast Guardmen today, 22 1/4 hours after they had been cast adrift when ice broke from the mainland at Brewster.

“The rescue was accomplished with a small boat which Coast Guardsmen pushed over the rough, floating ice after the patrol boat Harriet Lane failed in efforts to buck through the thick ice.

“The youths were in two groups a mile apart. The quarter-mile stretch of ice that carried them seaward while they were out walking split during the night and the marooned youths were separated into groups of seven and two.

I don’t really have anything funny to write about this. I’m just putting it here for any of you out there that are dealing with kids whining about the weather. I figure when you get sick of them crying you can tell them the story of the these kids getting Shackletoned in the middle of Cape Cod Bay and shut ’em right up.

I don’t care how cold they’ve been at the bus stop, it can’t compare to spending 22 1/4 hours floating around on an iceberg. If this happened today I don’t think anyone would survive, kids back then were probably wearing rabbit fur seal skin jackets and shit. I’d imagine 22 1/4 hours is a little too long to spend on an iceberg in lacrosse shorts and a hoodie. Plus, I’m not sure what would kill them first, hypothermia or the iPad withdrawals.

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CCT – The Radio Shack stores in Hyannis at Cape Town Plaza and the Cape Cod Mall will close by March 31st according to bankruptcy court documents filed by the retailer on Thursday. The Plymouth store is slated to close by February 28th.

Locations in Orleans, Falmouth, South Yarmouth, South Dennis and East Wareham are not on the bankruptcy closing list. A New York Times story published on February 5th stated that Sprint and hedge fund Standard General agreed to buy 1,500 to 2,400 of Radio Shack’s 4,000 company-owned US stores.

Oh no! Where are people in Hyannis supposed to go when they need a piece of crap clock radio, calculator, or some walkie talkies? Seriously though, Radio Shack going out of business is the least surprising news I’ve heard since we found out the old dude from Duck Dynasty doesn’t like the gays.

Radio Shack became irrelevant right about the time that Texas Instruments stopped making the Speak and Spell. They’ve only survived since then by selling 200 million cable splitters and 2 billion feet of coaxial cable per year to people adding illegal TV’s in their bedrooms.

P.S. And a few hundred rabbit ears to grandma’s who wouldn’t give up the old Zenith.

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