CapeCodTimes.com – Installation of centerline rumble strips on sections of Route 6 in Wellfleet to help curb head-on crashes caused by driver distraction is expected to be completed by Memorial Day. A handful of citizens have expressed concerns, though, about the noise of the rumble strips, their location and whether they will help.

You have got to be kidding me. Route 6 is more dangerous than Wareham and citizens are concerned about the noise of these rumble strips? How self absorbed can people possibly get? Yeah they make noise, that’s what they are supposed to do. If you are hearing the sound of a rumble strip, it means that someone is about to drive off the road or into the other lane. Do you know what is louder than the sound of a rumble strip? The sound of a head on collision, people screaming, and sirens.

I can’t believe we actually found people worse than The Fun Police. If you hate noise so much that you are willing to risk peoples lives for your precious silence, then J.D. Salinger your ass into the woods and stay there. We are trying to conduct a society here folks, we can’t do it in a vacuum.

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CapeCodTimes.com – Erik Tolley, chairman of the Yarmouth Board of Selectmen, said he has accompanied his wife to buy sports equipment from strangers through Craigslist, a community website where employers can post job ads, people can sell everything from cars to coats, and singles can look to mingle.

Tolley’s wife has had no problems with her transactions, but while watching the news Tuesday morning Tolley saw a story reporting that 45 people have died in Craigslist robberies across the country since 2009.

“Unfortunately we have it on the news all too often,” Tolley said Tuesday afternoon. After watching the report and hearing how police departments across the country are starting to offer their parking lots as transaction zones, Tolley emailed Yarmouth Police Chief Frank Frederickson and Deputy Chief Steven Xiarhos.

Shortly before 2 p.m. the department announced that its parking lot, which is under camera surveillance, would be available as a “safe zone” for members of the public to conduct Craigslist and other online transactions.

Aw come on, we’re taking all the fun out of Craigslist. Where is our sense of adventure? Part of buying things from strangers on online classified ad sites is the possibility that you might end up in their freezer. That’s the trade off, you want to buy something super cheap from a total stranger? Well, be prepared to risk waking up in a bathtub full of ice with no kidneys. Take that possibility away and you take away the soul of the internet.

Someday we are going to describe the early days of the internet to our grandchildren like it was the wild, wild west. While they are getting iPhone 12’s delivered to their door by drones, we’ll be reminiscing about the time we bought their first XBox from a crackhead in the parking lot of a Stop and Shop. Poor kids will never know the exhilaration of not knowing if you’re about to get a great deal on a flat screen TV with no remote or if you’re about to get stabbed in the neck with a broken meth pipe. Talk about life in a bubble.

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WCVB – The tanker carrying approximately 11,500 gallons of fuel tipped over at about 11 p.m. Tuesday near a topiary shaped into the words “Cape Cod.”

An estimated 5,000 gallons spilled, said Ed Coletta, a spokesman for the state Department of Environmental Protection.

Most of it appears to have soaked into the soil, but some of the gasoline and the foam got into the catch basins and made its way to the Cape Cod Canal, he said. What does not evaporate will be contained with booms and removed.

“We’ll dig out the soil in the rotary and replace it with clean fill, and the storm drains and catch basins will be flushed,” he said.

There was no immediate danger to area homes or businesses, he said.

An oily sheen has been spotted on the canal, according to Coast Guard Petty Officer 2nd Class LaNola Stone.

I’m sure everyone has heard about the fuel tanker that flipped over and spewed its contents all over the Bourne Rotary last night. Well, once again the mainstream media is completely ignoring the real story. Does anyone actually think it is coincidence that the Cape Cod bushes were covered in snow for 3 months, and just when they became visible again a tanker dumps 5,000 galloons of fuel on their root system and into the Canal?

I don’t want to be an alarmist but it’s fairly obvious what is going on here. We have known that bitch Mother Nature has had it in for us for months now, but last nights events seem to prove that she is conspiring with the oil companies in an elaborate plot against Cape Cod.

Why, you ask, would the oil companies join forces in this scheme against us? It’s simple really, oil companies are notoriously greedy, someone must have paid them to do this dastardly deed. But who? Who is capable of such a malicious attack against our peninsula? Well I don’t claim to have the answers, but I have compiled a list of suspects. It may be one of them, it may be none, but they all have one thing in common… motive.

Suspect #1 – Wareham – Long has the red headed stepchild wanted to be part of Cape Cod. For years Wareham has been claiming to be part of the most elite geographical club north of the equator. Kill the bushes and the tourists won’t know where Cape Cod officially begins. It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if a Cape Cod sign made of stolen copper pops up on the northern Wareham border in the next few days.

Suspect #2 – The Fun Police – It is a widely known fact that The Fun Police don’t want anyone visiting Cape Cod and enjoying themselves. They thought they had it made when the bushes were covered in snow and as soon as it starting melting they panicked. They’ve been trying to murder our economy for years, would it really surprise you if they tried to murder our bushes?

Suspect #3 – God Himself – This theory is a little different than the others. We all know that god loves Cape Cod and its inhabitants, in fact on one drunken night he told Mrs. God that he loved us the most (he thought all of his children were sleeping but a few Texans overheard him). So why would god do this? Maybe he knows that Cape Codders are the closest he ever came to perfection. Maybe he created tourists so outsiders could visit and learn from us. Maybe he finally realized that the rest of humanity will never compare to his flagship creation and he decided to do what he can to reverse tourism. Maybe this is just the first of many acts meant to close the bridges and poison the canal in an attempt to isolate the chosen ones from the heathens…

P.S. The true lesson here is this, if anyone learns anything from this post, it should be to never write blogs when you are sick and just drank half a bottle of NyQuil. Now if you will excuse me, there is a purple iguana staring at me from my kitchen that I need to go deal with…

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony