Patch.com – Barnstable and Hyannis residents live longer than the average American.

The average life expectancy in the Massachusetts 9th Congressional District, which includes Barnstable and Hyannis, is 80.2 years, according to a new study. The national average is 79.1.

The statistics are based on the Geographies of Opportunity study by the Social Science Research Council.

What does this mean!? Has Ponce de Leon’s search for the fountain of youth finally come to an end? Did Wilford Brimley weave a cocoon around Hy-Town? Ummm… no, it just means that Patch is the stupidest website on earth.

You know where else people live longer than the national average? 49.9 percent of the places in the country. In a striking coincidence, 49.9 percent of the places in the country have a shorter life expectancy than average. Also 38% of statistics mislead 76% of the people 90% of the time.

This is the most useless waste of space in the history of the internet, and that is coming from someone who writes wastes of space on the internet for a living. I thought I was the laziest writer on earth until I came across this 100% meaningless article. Enough hyperbole you say? There’s no way it’s the MOST lazy writing in history right?

Take a look at this screenshot of the other articles this dude has written…

They took the time to replace one whole word in those articles! Thanks Patch, we are all officially dumber for having read anything on your website. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go start my 14 part series about how half the people on earth are taller than the other half of the people on earth.

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CapeNews.net – Registration for the 2015 New Balance Falmouth Road Race will begin on May 1 at 12 AM for Falmouth residents and residential taxpayers and will continue through May 7 at 11:59 PM.

General lottery registration will open on May 8 at 12 AM and close on May 17 at 11:59 PM.

The 2015 race will be on August 16. Register at www.falmouthroadrace.com; the race is capped at 12,800 runners.

Just a friendly reminder for all you runners out there. Just so you know, drinking margaritas and playing frisbee golf until 4 a.m. the night before the race will make it slightly more difficult to run. Insane Tony and I tested this theory in an exhaustive study a few years back so it’s pretty scientifical.

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Do you love music? We are looking for people to help us get the word out about this years music festival. We can’t be everywhere at once so we’d like to find some people from all over the Cape and Islands. There are all kinds of bonuses to getting involved and can turn into bigger opportunities for people who do a great job.

If you are interested in getting involved in this year’s festival as a street teamer, or in any other capacity send us an email to [email protected].

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CapeCodTimes.com – Police are looking for household items a Wareham woman allegedly got rid of at a yard sale after she took them from a home on the island, according to a statement posted on the Edgartown police department’s Facebook page.

Wareham Wanda was arrested on April 17, after police responded to a past breaking and entering on Court Street, according to the statement.

Filkins had squatted at the home for about a week, and a worker in the neighborhood told police it appeared she either sold or gave away the items at a yard sale, according to police.

Police are asking anyone who may have bought or taken items during a yard sale on the road to return them to police.

The following items were reported missing: four deck chairs from Crate & Barrel; a Weber Grill; two side tables from Ethan Allen; an Ann Chase lamp; two Lamps from Crate and Barrel; two framed posters; various pot & pans; linens; and a painting.

This is in the running for the most Warehammy story of all time. I’d be willing to bet his woman didn’t even take the ferry, she probably swam across Vineyard Sound like a deer. Can you imagine what kind of demented Wareham juice has to be running through someone’s brain to not just hatch a plan like this, but to actually do it? Like in what self entitled, delusional world does someone think that squatting in someone’s house and selling all of their shit is anything but a direct path to rotting in hell?

Even the grimiest of Cape Cod criminals wouldn’t pull this stunt. When they squat in a house they keep the shades closed and smoke their crack in peace like normal degenerates. Not Wareham Wanda, she strolls right in, airs the place out for the spring and starts selling Ethan Allen tables to the neighbors. It wouldn’t surprise me if she was making plans to host a pot luck dinner and charge $20 a plate. Wareham Wanda has balls so big she could teabag an elephant.

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Jalopnik – in England and he spray paints dicks on things. And by God, he gets things done.

The Huffington Post reports that Wanksy, who takes his name from the famous graffiti artist Banksy, has been going around Greater Manchester spray-painting dicks on the potholes that mark the city’s streets. He started his anonymous crusade after some cyclist friends got hurt on the potholes.

And wouldn’t you know that he’s actually succeeded in getting some of them fixed? It turns out that while cities are usually happy to let potholes just sit in the middle of the road and destroy our wheels and suspensions, they get a new sense of urgency when those potholes are covered in unsightly drawings of dicks and balls. Who knew?

After the winter we just had on Cape Cod our roads look like the surface of the moon, and our towns aren’t exactly out there hustling getting them filled (not the DPW’s fault, I’m sure their budgets are shot). We need this guy, he’s a genius. Nothing motivates the highway department like a politician screaming at them about ejaculating dicks.

While this guy’s tactics may have proven effective, I’ve actually come up with an even better solution tailor made for Cape Cod,…

Introducing the Cape Cod Piping Plover Pool and Spa. All I need to do is to trick one Plover into my scheme. When he gets pancaked by an F-350, the bug counters from the Seashore will be out in droves with shovels and gravel, filling in the holes in no time.

The best part of this plan is that when they are all out capping our Plover pools, we can sneak into the Seashore and feed chickadees out of our hands all day. Talk about a win/win situation for the people.

thanks to Jodi and Chris for the tips

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When we were planning this festival a lot of people told us it wouldn’t work, that things this big don’t happen on Cape Cod for a reason. We kept telling those people that they don’t know our readers, and we were right. The response to the 2015 Real Cape Music Festival has been amazing. We stepped our game and as we predicted you folks have as well. Once again, the lineup…

• Guster
• Trampled by Turtles
• Rubblebucket
• Ryan Montbleau Band
• Pink Talking Fish
• Crooked Coast
• Brian Sances Band
• The Sacred Mounds

Special Guest Speaker – Boston Marathon Bombing Survivor – Jeff Bauman

The response has been so overwhelming that the discounted early bird tickets are going much faster than anticipated, they may even be gone by the end of the day, so act fast and save yourself the money by ordering ASAP. Once the $40 tix are gone the price jumps up to $50 and even then it’s looking like this show is going to sell out early. So just a friendly reminder, get your tix soon and don’t leave anything up to chance. Thank you so much everyone for supporting this festival, the more you support things like this the more we will do, and they’ll keep getting bigger and bigger.

CLICK HERE for the festival site, or buy tix below…

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CapeCodTimes.com – A plan to bring human-powered pedicab transportation to downtown Hyannis this summer is moving forward.

Barnstable Town Manager Thomas Lynch is currently reviewing a five-page draft of rules and regulations for the bicycle-like multiwheeled vehicles that transport passengers for hire.

Lynch said last week he is waiting to receive additional input from the town’s licensing committee and the police department, which will be jointly responsible for enforcing the rules and regulations. He anticipates that a public hearing on the matter will be held in May.

If the regulations are approved, a one-year pilot program will begin June 1. Only one company — Cape Cod Pedicabs — would be allowed to operate during the pilot period, and it would be limited to licensing five pedicabs to pick up fares in the downtown district. Cape Cod Pedicabs was established by Daniel Scandurra of West Barnstable and a business partner.

Being a pedi cab driver has to be the single worst job I could ever imagine doing. Manually toting drunken douchey tourists around from bar to bar on Hyannis Main St. is right at the top of the list of things you couldn’t pay me enough to do, it’s just after getting oral sex from a piranha, and right before jabbing sewing needles under my fingernails.

On the flip side, being toted around drunk from bar to bar sounds like an absolute blast. Naying at the sub human driver like a horse and whipping him with my belt while yelling that he’s gonna end up in the glue factory if I miss last call seems like a nice little Saturday night in Hy Town.

Now we just need to answer the big question; Do open container laws apply in the back of a pedi cab? Are they like limos and you can drink, or like cars and it’s illegal? If drinking is allowed, then giddy up! The hipster drivers better start some Lance Armstrong level blood doping programs because The Real Cape will be riding pedi cabs on pub crawls from Provincetown to Woods Hole. Somebody get A-Rod’s personal trainer on the phone, stat.

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