CC – The two men who allegedly tried to abduct a Falmouth teen this week will be held until a dangerousness hearing on July 1.

Dennis Bartlett, 61, and Bruce Bartlett, 60, pleaded not guilty Thursday in Falmouth District Court to charges of enticing a child under 16, attempting to commit a crime and conspiracy.

A middle school girl reported that two men approached her while she was at a bus stop Wednesday morning in East Falmouth.

According to police, the girl said the men tried to entice her to get into a white van.

A “dangerousness hearing” for the squirrel brothers huh? Maybe when they’re done, they can launch an investigation into whether or not bears shit in the woods to end that debate once and for all as well?

I’ve got news for everyone, the Squirrel Brothers are dangerous. Even if this is mistaken identity and they didn’t do this particular crime, they are the Squirrel Brothers. They would stab you in the eye and steal the food out of your bird feeder if given the chance. Why do you think they are called the Squirrel Brothers?*

We need to implement a “no shit, just look at them” clause at these “dangerousness hearings”. That way even if they don’t have definite proof of dangerousness, but the entire town knows they are an inch away from stealing people’s kidneys, when the prosecution says they want them held without bail because they are a threat to society, the judge can just say… “no shit, just look at them”, bang his gavel, and send them to Sing Sing until their trial.

* I have no idea if that’s really why they call them the Squirrel Brothers but it sounded good.

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

We’ve got some big things happening this weekend on Cape Cod, so get up, get moving, and support live music on your peninsula.

For all you Upper Cape cats Will Dailey is at The Beach House. Will has been voted best of everything by everyone like 873 years in a row, and deservedly so. Better off Dead is playing some acoustic hippie music beforehand, so go early, grab a bite to eat, and get yourself primed up. Will goes on at 10, if you haven’t heard his stuff, here’s a little taste…

Are you further down the Cape and don’t feel like running the gauntlet? Well no problemo, you’ll just have to go to the biggest reggae show Cape Cod will see all summer. Our pals over at One Drop Live are hosting The Royal Family of Reggae Morgan Heritage tonight at Pufferbellies with Jemere Morgan, High Hopes band and more. What more could you need than a personal invite?

So there ya go, a great night of music is all laid out on a silver platter for you. No excuses. Get out there and get weird.

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

CapeCodTimes.com – A 54-year-old Falmouth man pleaded not guilty Monday to a charge of indecent exposure after allegedly being aroused and refusing to pull up his pants before a hernia exam.

David Husband, a 54-year-old Level 3 sex offender, allegedly made an appointment at the Carewell Urgent Care in Patriot Square in Dennis for a hernia exam on June 6, according to court documents.

When a nurse entered the exam room, Husband dropped his pants and asked to be checked for a hernia, according to a report from Dennis Police Officer Jared Stobie. The nurse said that Husband appeared aroused and refused to pull his pants up for the nurse, who explained the hernia exam did not require them to be down, Stobie wrote.

Husband also allegedly refused to pull his pants up at the request of a second nurse, who also noted that he appeared aroused. After one of the nurses performed the exam and Husband left, the nurses discovered his sex offender status on the Internet and contacted Dennis police, Stobie wrote.

Ah the old sex offender goes to the doctor, drops trow before anyone asks him to, gets a woody and refuses to put his pants back on story. If you’ve heard it once you’ve heard it a thousand times. What’s the deal with all these pervs roaming around here lately? Is it just me or does it seem like the Cape is crawling with them these days?

At least this dude got creative, but you gotta know your limits. I mean if you’re a creepy perv you have to know you’re gonna get aroused once your pants drop and the nurse comes in the room right? Faking a hernia exam to get your nuts fondled sounds like a good idea in principal, but it’s pretty much game over once you pop a boner. I’m just guessing here, but I’m pretty sure most nurses start cross checking your patient file with the sex offender registry as soon as you get past half mast.

Looks like it’s time to add another level to the sex offender registry, because all these level 3’s running around seem to be outdoing themselves every other week.

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Boston – Masshole has officially been added to the Oxford English Dictionary, though it’s been in the lexicon of the Bay State’s neighbors for years.

From Masshole’s now-official dictionary entry:

Masshole, n.

A term of contempt for: a native or inhabitant of the state of Massachusetts.

Language: U.S. coarse slang.

Etymology: Blend of the name of the U.S. state of Massachusetts and asshole

What a country! Isn’t it hilarious that the official definition of Masshole calls it a “term of contempt”? It goes to show just how Massholey Massholes are. People from other states think the term is an insult but we wear it like a badge of honor.

We are a special breed us Massholes. We are, in fact, such assholes that we actually take pride in the fact that people think we are assholes. It’s probably why so many great comedians come from Massachusetts. Bill Burr, Louis C.K., Conan O’Brien, Joe Rogan etc. etc.

The Masshole phenomenon is what makes this site so popular as well. Making fun of each other and not taking shit seriously is ingrained in our psyche at a very young age in Massachusetts. We always say that you know you have true friends when they rag on you all the time. It’s when people start being nice to you that you need to start worrying.

Massholes for life.

thanks to Austin Bates for the tip

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

CapeCodTimes.com – A summer job once prized as glamorous and lucrative appears to have lost its allure, based on the difficulty many Cape communities are having this year securing enough lifeguards to keep the region’s swimmers safe.

Beachgoers can expect to find lifeguards on fewer sandy stretches and for fewer hours. “Swim at Your Own Risk” and “No Lifeguard on Duty” signs are likely to sprout up in many more locations.

“This is the worst year in recent memory,” Yarmouth’s longtime recreation director, Patricia Armstrong, said. “We need 53 lifeguards, and we have just under 30.”

Yarmouth staffs seven public beaches with lifeguards. That number will likely plummet to four this season.
Armstrong will make recommendations on where the guards should be posted but let the selectmen ultimately decide.

Sandwich Recreation Director Guy Boucher faces a similar dilemma. “We generally hire 14, and we currently have seven,” Boucher said. Boucher said it is likely only two of the town’s three beaches will be staffed.

This comes as no surprise. It’s really a microcosm of a much bigger problem on the Cape. We aren’t just facing a lifeguard shortage around here, Cape Cod is facing a young people shortage. We can thank the Fun Police for that. Everyone thinks we rail against the Fun Police because we just want Cape Cod to be one big party, but there’s a much bigger factor at stake. Lose the fun, you lose the young. Lose the young and you lose the engine that drives Cape Cod’s economy.

Hopefully one of these retirement homes that are popping up all over the place will install a “fountain of youth” pool like they had in that movie Cocoon. Maybe then we can get Don Ameche and Wilford Brimley lifeguard certified and we won’t need to put up “swim at your own risk” signs at half of the beaches on Cape Cod. It’s pretty much our only hope at this point because it’s only a matter of time before there’s gonna be so many zombified blue hairs moping around on this peninsula that the Cape will look like the set of The Walking Dead.

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Summertime on Cape Cod is a special time. There are an endless amount of activities to partake in. Whether you go to the beach, out on the boat, golfing, hiking etc. etc. you are just about guaranteed to have a good time, but sometimes, even on a peninsula surrounded by the ocean, you just want to rally a good group of friends and do some good old fashioned day drinking.

What makes a great day drinking establishment? Is it the beer selection? The drink specials? The food? A Patio? TV’s? Pool tables? The service? Location? These are some of the questions we are going to answer over the next 30 days in the first ever quest to crown the best day drinking establishment on Cape Cod.

The first step in this process will be to establish a list of nominees comprised of the five best day drinking bars on the Cape. That’s where you, The Real Cape readers, come into the equation. We need you folks to either comment below, on our Facebook page under this post, or email us with the name of your favorite daytime watering holes on Cape Cod. From this list of nominees you will vote for the top five bars, and then the fun begins.

Over the course of the next month we will spend a day drinking and eating at each of the nominated bars (you will be invited to join us) in order to review and rank them. The winner of this coveted award will be announced August 1st on stage at The Real Cape Music Festival where the owners or selected staff from the winning establishment will be awarded with a special VIP package as well as a customized trophy to proudly display on site at their mecca of Day Drinking.

Let the games begin!

P.S. If you are either the owner or a staff member of an establishment you think has what it takes to win this, feel free to contact us to throw your hat in the ring and tell us why you think your bar belongs on the list of nominees.

P.P.S. All towns on the Cape and Islands are eligible. We are prepared to go the extra mile and be 100% thorough when it comes to drinking all day no matter what it takes, that’s how dedicated we are to this cause.

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Falmouth Police Facebook – The Falmouth Police Department is seeking the location of the following subjects for their alleged involvement in the recent attempted abduction. The department has outstanding arrest warrants for Attempted Abduction, Enticing a Minor, and Conspiracy for both subjects. Do not approach this vehicle or these subjects. Please contact the police immediately.

People thought we were joking when we broke this story at 10 a.m. and already had it solved a full 6.5 hours before the police released the names and photos of the suspects. Here’s an excerpt from that 10 a.m. post…

When people from Falmouth think two creepy dudes  with bandanas in a white van, they think Squirrel Brothers. These dudes have been creeping people out for years. Keep an eye out folks and don’t approach them.

Sure enough, it was the Squirrels. You put the words “bandanas, abduction, and white van” together in a sentence in a police alert in Falmouth and you are talking about the Squirrel brothers 137% of the time.

No big deal, we just solved the case before anyone else even reported it. Do we pick up our Pulitzer locally, or do they mail it to us? There’s a category for investigative reporting from a couch in boxer shorts right?

P.S. Shit, do we need to rent tuxedos for the Citizens of the Year Gala?

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony