And So It Begins… Another Summer On Cape Cod

05/27/201606/08/2016

Ahhh… The Friday of Memorial Day Weekend on Cape Cod. The idle of diesel engines in the bar parking lots delivering kegs of beer, the sound of vinyl covers being yanked off of the grills, the angst wafting in the air above the bustling Stop and Shop parking lots. It’s a special time of year on the Cape.

Today we say goodbye to quick trips into town and hello to 10 minute waits to take a left onto Rte. 28. We officially put our fleece ear muffs into storage and hook the hose up to the rubber ear muffs on our outboard motors, the gargling sound of the engine running for the first time reverberating in our once frozen bones.

As the march of the steel penguins lines up at the bridges and we retreat into our backyards, coolers in tow, we all feel that same trepidation. Unless you have lived here year round you can never know the mixed emotions Cape Codders get at the start of a summer season. For “them” things are about to get easier, for “us” things are about to get busier. It’s time to go to work.

Just try to remember one thing this weekend, when you get cut off by a car with New York plates, when you are in the weeds and some asshole asks if you have gluten free stuffed quahogs, when every one of your seasonal clients expects a spring cleanup in their yard yesterday, when some rookie asshole shakes off their towel up wind from you and covers you with sand, when some lady in Jorts asks your band to play Margaritaville, when a 16 year old in a $180,000 Range Rover steals your parking spot, just remember… Summer people, Some are not.

Also remember that each and every one of these tourists are spending money. Our plumbers are fixing their outside showers, our drivers are delivering their pizza, our stores are selling them beer, our restaurant owners are catching up on the bills that stacked up all winter. So smile, be nice, and at least wait until they are out of ear shot before you joke to your friend that the ’80’s called and they want their denim fanny pack back.

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Check Out Homeboy Using The Drive Thru On His Bicycle At CVS In Hy-Town

05/17/2016

photo courtesy of villian diary from hotinhyannis.com

Listen, I’ve got no problem with the bicycle part, you gotta do what you gotta do to get around. I’ve got no problem with the drive thru part either, but add them together and you’ve got yourself a pretty ridiculous situation. The drive thru is convenient for one reason and one reason only, YOU DON’T HAVE TO GET OUT OF YOUR CAR!

The drive thru on a bike is insane, dude could have pulled right up to the door on the sidewalk, kicked the stand down and had his shit before that maroon minivan even made it into the drive thru line. Look at the guy, with his foot down waiting, DUDE YOU ARE ON A BICYCLE, get your foot on that pedal, go around them, get in that store and get your scripts, I’m assuming you need them filled ASAP seeing as you are IN A DRIVE THRU ON A BICYCLE!

P.S. I apologize for the all caps, I know how annoying that can be but… HE’S ON A BICYCLE IN THE DRIVE THRU!

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The Question About This Cape Cod Ashtray On Ebay – Does The Cig Come With It?

05/17/201605/17/2016

OK who’s it gonna be? Who can’t live without a Cape Cod ashtray? I was 2 seconds away from buying it, but I emailed the seller and the Parliament cig doesn’t come with it so I’m out. I know it’s weird for one cigarette to be a deal breaker but I don’t have a female ID to buy them at the store and I love that little hole in the end of them, it’s like drinking tobacco smoke through a straw.

The amazing part is that this Cape Cod ashtray is that it is an antique, vintage and new. Now, I have no idea what kind of wizardry is involved in making something new and antique at the same time but it HAS to be worth the $16.15 right? And that’s buy it now pricing folks. You can rest assured that if this thing went to open auction you’d be looking at $16.17, maybe $16.16 minimum.

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Everyone Knows Zachary’s Is For Sale – Here Is The Real Cape’s Official Valuation

05/17/201606/08/2016

MASHPEE — Billing itself as the Cape’s only licensed “gentlemen’s club,” Zachary’s Pub is up for sale for $4.3 million.

In addition to the strip club, the offering includes 50 single- and multi-family residential units in 13 buildings on 6.17 acres of land and a full laundry facility, according to John Ciluzzi, president of Premier Commercial, who announced Monday he had been retained to market and sell the property.

The sale also includes all alcohol, entertainment, floor show, lottery, tobacco, amusements, billiards, dancing and laundry licenses, although they would have to successfully go through the transfer process with the town and the state to be valid for a new owner.

The key that has allowed Zachary’s to be Zachary’s for decades is the floor show permit, according to Ciluzzi, who said he expects the sale to draw national interest. But the opportunity is there for new uses of the 100 Great Neck Road North property.

OK let’s get real, the 50 single and multi unit family residential units in 13 buildings are worth precisely negative $100,000 dollars, because that’s how much it would cost to tear those shit holes down. We are talking about cinder block buildings that aren’t quite as nice as where Michael Vick executed his dogs that sucked at fighting.

So that puts us at $4.4 million dollars. Now let’s add up the lottery, tobacco, billiards and laundry licenses and we are at…. let’s be generous and give them a net worth of $50k. The billiards table give dudes something to do while there’s an ugly girl on stage, people definitely like to smoke and whatever Mashpee River monsters live in those multi family residential units must wash their clothes sometimes I guess?

So that puts us at $4.35 million dollars. Now lets talk about the alcohol. A $6 drink in a 8 oz. plastic cup goes a long way when testosterone filled meatheads are downing them two at a time. Most seasoned vets know to get a Grateful Dead in order to get the most bang for their buck, but most drool covered accountants waving $20 bills for the exact same attention a dollar will get you don’t know the tricks of the trade. Either way let’s put booze at a million bucks a year, the place does well in that department.

So here we are at $3.35 million dollars. Let’s talk Real Estate, the main building is worthless, it’s going to need a million dollar rehab to be remotely respectable or up to code, but the land alone is worth probably that $1 million, so that’s a wash.

So now we are still at $3.35 million and all we have left is the “floor show” license. So any investor has to ask themselves this very simple question. Is it worth $3.35 million to show naked women who dance to crappy 80’s music to shitfaced plumbers, carpenters, electricians, and other local businessmen who need to park their vehicles hidden around back so nobody sees the name on the side?

I say yes, it’s the only place on Cape Cod where a drunken fool can do what he really wants to do at every restaurant he goes to. He can see the chicks that work there naked. End of story…

So the official assessment is that boobies are indeed worth 3.35 million dollars. The question is, do you want to buy all that other useless crap that comes with it?

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Did You Know That Cape Cod Celebrated Its 414th Birthday This Weekend?

05/17/201605/17/2016

See! It was “discovered” in 1602! It says so right there! Well, that is unless you ask a Wampanoag. They may see it just a tad different. To them Gosnold “discovering” Cape Cod would be like me “discovering” a bank with a few million dollars in the vault and considering it mine. It was so nice of the people on the land Bart “discovered” to teach us to plant food, before we gave them small pox and they nearly became extinct. But hey…. Casinos for everyone!

You do have to admit there is a certain irony in the fact that the first European to find Cape Cod just happens to share the same name as one of the biggest rehabs on the peninsula. Talk about foreshadowing. I can see him now in his fancy 1600’s Captain Hook gear and curly white wig with his foot up on a rock and saying….

“I Bartholomew Gosnold do hereby declare that this peninsula shall one day contain alcoholics and drug addicts as far as the eye can see!”

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go on an expedition to “discover” my bathroom.

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Cape Coast Guard Guy May Go Free After 100’s Of Kiddie Porn Pics Found On His Phone

05/17/201605/17/2016

FALMOUTH — A Falmouth District Court judge will decide whether images of child pornography that a state trooper found on a Coast Guardsman’s phone should be kept out of evidence because they were obtained through a search without a warrant or consent.

State police arrested 32-year-old Ryan Ruff, of West Barnstable, on Dec. 13 on charges that he was driving under the influence of alcohol while unlicensed. During booking at the Bourne barracks, a trooper who was using Ruff’s iPhone to give his wife directions to come bail him out pressed several buttons, which revealed an image dated Oct. 21 of a girl between the ages of 7 and 10 performing oral sex on a man, according to an affidavit in support of an arrest warrant.

Ruff denied knowing anything about the photograph and was released on bail, but he was arrested again several days later at Joint Base Cape Cod on a charge of possession of child pornography.

Ruff’s attorney, Drew Segadelli, filed a motion to suppress that photo, as well as about 100 other images of child pornography or child erotica that were later found on the phone, arguing that his client never consented to the “search” and therefore all the photos were illegally obtained.

If you find over 100 photos of 7 year old girls “performing sex acts” on old men on a guys phone, you just can’t let the dude go on some illegal search technicality. I don’t care if you hired Edward Snowden to hack into that phone with a battle axe. The old “I don’t know how that got there” excuse may work for one photo, but 100? I don’t even have 100 pics of my dog on my phone and he’s cute as shit.

Bottom line here is if this dude gets off (pun intended) on a technicality then he at least needs to be kicked out of the Coast Guard for conduct unbecoming, because you simply can’t unbecome your conduct any worse than kiddie porn on your phone. Not even your home computer, but your phone. That means you’re such a sicko that you can’t even wait to get home, you need to get your pedophile on during down time while everyone else is playing Angry Birds and looking at pics of what someone they barely know had for dinner.

P.S. How does Drew Segadelli sleep at night, the dude defends murderers, cop shooters and child pornographers. I get that everyone has the right to a defense, but holy shit dude how about throwing in a Jaywalker every once in a while?

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History Buffs Don’t Want Solar Panels On Cape Cod Land Because Of Saugus History

05/09/2016

WL – A former Bourne Historical Society president said he is set to take issue with NRG Canal LLC plans to construct and operate a solar farm at 1 Route 6A on the premises of the old Edmund Freeman farm next to The Sagamore Inn.

Jack MacDonald of Monument Beach, also a former Bourne Historical Commission member, said he hopes NRG would be able to perform an archaeological survey of the proposed solar site or move the project to another less historic Freeman Farm area.

“Edmund Freeman was one of the so-called ‘ten men from Saugus’ and his farm was the site of the first settlement on Cape Cod,” MacDonald said April 11. “He was William Bradford’s assistant governor. The place is still historic even though the farmhouse burned down in the late 1970s.”

Finding a way to reduce our dependency on fossil fuels is the single biggest problem humans need to solve in order to survive long term on this planet, and these people don’t want to use technology on Cape Cod land that could save the human race because “Edmund Freeman was one of the so-called ‘ten men from Saugus”?

There is no historical structure there, it is just land, yet it is so important to these nitwits that it needs to be preserved in honor of Saugus, a town known for strip clubs and pirate ship restaurants that people stop at on their way to New Hampshire to go skiing. Not Cape Cod… Saugus. You simply can’t make this stuff up.

Do you think in 300 hundred years people won’t build a flux capacitor factory on the land where the man who owns Zachary’s lived because he was such an important part of Cape Cod titty history? It’s insane. We have two choices here, we either honor the land of Edmund Freeman of Saugus, or we keep buying oil from people who blow up our buildings with jet planes, and these jackasses want to leave it a vacant lot. We are so screwed as a race it’s not even funny.

P.S. Tear down Fenway too, you need to be 4’11” and 110 pounds to enjoy a game at that shit hole. They tore down the Garden and nobody misses staring at a pole for an entire basketball game.

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