True Talk Tuesday: Sexting & Break Ups

Both questions this week happen to have come from men. Neither of which I know personally. Which makes me happy because they seem like fucking weirdos.

Since your totes a celeb now, will you accidentally or drunkenly be posting any nude selfies? P.S. Please dont let Hippie do that.

Dear Chester-the-Molester,

Let me first start by saying that if you think I’m a “celeb”, you need to get out more. I’ll then follow with why the hell do you want to see nude pictures of anyone, let alone me? Who gets off to still-frame’s? This isn’t the ’90s.

Though I once was told by a friend of mine that she’s seen “more dicks in my phone than in real life”, the answer to your question is no. I would never take a naked picture of myself for many reasons, those reasons mainly consisting of the fact that I don’t even want to see myself naked, so why would I put anyone else through that torture? Also, with my luck, that shit would be spread around faster than Hippie guzzles jack and coke’s.

Stay creepy,

GG

Onto the next;

I’ve been dating this girl for a couple of months now but just don’t see it going anywhere. There’s nothing wrong her and she’s great, just not for me. How do I break it off without being a total dick?

Dear Forever Alone,

There’s really only one way to end this without looking like a prick, and that’s to tell her you have some sort of STD and/or you’re gay. Don’t believe me?

Trust – regardless of how you end it, homegirl WILL tell you and all her friends you’re a dick. Why? Because we can’t fathom the idea that you don’t think we’re perfect and how could you NOT want to be with us? Clearly there’s something wrong with YOU.

While I know how ridiculous that sounds, that’s the way the cookie crumbles, bro. Rejection sucks and girls need to label you a prick in order to get through the pain and heal their wounded ego. Well, that and wine. And food. And vodka. And food.

So although I’m not telling you to like, do anything rash or fall off the face of the planet, I do recommend some sort of minor injury or perhaps an STD of some sort so that you ending things is only because “you care so much and only want the best for her”. Which is basically anything other than you.

Good luck dickhead,

GG

*Remember to submit your questions via Facebook. Everything submitted is kept anonymous and answered in a nonsensical, moronic fashion.