TRC & GG Advice Column: Volume 2


2: I really like a good friend of mine that I’ve been wanting to ask out for a while now, but not sure how to get out of the “friend zone” – suggestion?

Dear Needs-To-Grow-A-Set,

The “Friend-Zone” is a place no one wants to end up. It’s kind of like Wareham. No one ever intends to end up there, but sometimes you get drunk, hitch a ride with a stranger because you really want Taco Bell and next thing you know you’re there.

My advice to you is simple: preform a series of tests on this bitch the MOMENT you realize you may be interested in her as more than a friend. Whether it be offering to pay for a meal, telling her how beautiful she is or trying to insert your male parts into her she-envelope. By analyzing her reactions to said tests, you’ll quickly learn whether or not her feelings are reciprocated and whether or not to pursue, hence never ending up in the Wareham Taco Bell bathroom. Or the “Friend-Zone”.

I also urge you to accept it if she decides she just wants to be friends – the quicker you move on the better. No one wants the guy they rejected and who may possibly want to turn you into a skin suit hanging around the bar waiting for a “ride home”. Rape isn’t cool, and roofies are so 2007.

With Love,



Dear Captain No Nuts,

I am going to have to recuse myself from this particular question due to the fact that I have never been in the “friend zone” because I’m not a squid.

I can however advise you on how to avoid the “friend zone” in the future. If a girl is asking you to do things with her and you suspect that she is only looking to hang out as friends? Say no. There are two reasons for this…

First, girls hate being rejected and want what they can’t have. Feigning interest in her will make her want you. Second, when she asks why you don’t want to hang out with her, tell her it’s because you aren’t “friend” material, that you are much too attracted to her to be friends with her and if you two hang out you WILL end up having sex. This makes you truthful, confident and dominant, chicks love all three of these.

So to recap… Girl asks you to hang out as friends? You say no because you are too attracted to her to be friends and you will end up sleeping together.

Boom, you are instantly transformed from a desperate “friend zone” caliber squid into an indifferent, confident yet honest bad boy with alpha tendencies. She won’t stand a god damn chance. You’re welcome.


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