Things To Do Today In November On The Cape (The Real Cape Style)

So many Cape Cod publications do these daily “Things to do today on Cape Cod” posts that generally include activities that would be quite enjoyable to complete squids and people over 60, so we decided to compose a more realistic guide for the rest of us.

First here are some lovely little suggestions from some other publications:

· Square dancing, 7 p.m. Tuesday, Dennis Senior Center, 1045 Route 134. Followed by round dancing and plus-level square dancing. No experience necessary. $3. 508-237-3057.

· “Fraud and Scams – Beware,” 3 p.m. Tuesday, Craine Room, Snow Library, 67 Main St., Orleans. Sponsored by Orleans Citizens Forum, presented by Detective Lt. Kevin Higgins of Orleans Police Department. FREE!

· Wednesday Walks with Connie Boyce, 3-4 miles, leaves 9 a.m. from Cape Cod Museum of Natural History, 869 Main St. (Route 6A), Brewster. Walk at Pilgrim Springs, Truro. $6. Heavy rain cancels. 508-394-2683.

· Science story time, 11:15 a.m. Wednesday, Brooks Free Library, 739 Main St., Harwich. Preschoolers and young children explore STEM (science, technology, engineering, mathematics) concepts.[email protected]. 508-430-7562. FREE!

· Talk by former secret agent Norman Katz on the JFK assassination, 2:30 p.m. Wednesday, EPOCH Assisted Living at Brewster Place, 855 Harwich Road. In recognition of 50th anniversary of John F. Kennedy’s death. 508-896-3252.

While I’m sure all of the above activities would be great fun if you did them Gonzo style with a bottle of whiskey, a head full of acid and a good supply of bath salts, unfortunately acid is hard to come by on a November Wednesday on Cape Cod and our local bath salt dealer is out of business.

So here is a more realistic list of things to do on a November Wednesday on Cape Cod.

1. Start drinking as soon as you wake up. Track down one of your laid off landscaper or restaurant friends to go to the local watering hole with you. Play keno until you are so broke that you have to leave an 8% tip to the bartender. Stumble out of the bar at 3 p.m. and say “holy shit it’s still light out”. Then go home, eat a bowl of cereal and pass out by 5.

2. Couch, sweatpants, hoodie and porn.

3. Work until 4 p.m. and then go straight to the bar for  a quick bite to eat with a co worker. End up chatting with a few kind of cute members of the opposite sex. convince yourself that you are going to get lucky and spend way too much time (and money) there. After four hours of kicking game and playing darts (a binding contract for sex in your drunken mind) they abruptly leave. You and your friend spend another hour in shock talking about how much they wanted you, and frantically scrolling through your contacts and Facebook friends list to keep hope alive.

4. Smoke 8 bowls, go play frisbee golf, do 6 bong rips, go to McDonalds, watch Discovery channel and wake up fully dressed sitting up on your couch at 3 a.m. covered in Gummi Bears.

5. Jail

6. Go out to hear a fairly decent band, have a great time, and meet someone that you are actually compatible with. Bring them back to your place end up passing out half naked on top of them and pissing the bed because you drank 8 gallons of whiskey. Wake up wet and alone at 2:30 a.m. and say fuck it, immediately crack a beer and start scrolling the friend list to see who’s awake.

7. Go to a nice restaurant, eat some delicious food and drink some fancy drinks. Feel all metro, stare at the bill in disbelief, spend half your paycheck and then go to the chinese restaurant for scorpion bowls and apps because you are still starving. As happens in all Chinese restaurants you see the coke dealer you went to high school with and end up cleaning your house and telling your friends how much you love them until 7 a.m.

8. Go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath & Beyond. I don’t know, only if you have time.