Sharks? You should be more scared of a coconut

Fact: falling coconuts kill more people every year than sharks. That’s right, you are 5 times more likely to die during the collapse of a delicious fruit (are coconuts a fruit? Holy shit, what the hell IS a coconut?) that resembles a human testicle, than even be approached by a shark.

I firmly believe that people are so scared of sharks because they don’t know anything about them other than the fact that they’re stealth hunters who are expert creepers and whose main purpose in life is to kill things, swim and make baby sharks.

It drives me absolutely insane when people start jumping to conclusions about how “sharks are everywhere now” and “don’t go swimming”. Here’s the thing: sharks have ALWAYS been around. Have you ever thought that maybe our science and technology has just finally advanced to the point that we’re able to tag, track and monitor these Gods of the ocean more closely?? #RESPECT

*Photo credit: L.Allenby

Fact: You are more likely to choke on a hot dog than be attacked by a shark. Last weekend alone I had 4 hot dogs (I’m not proud of this by any means, but felt the need to personally validate just how serious that analogy is) and I’m still kicking.

If you’re scared of something, the least you can do is educate yourself so you know how to avoid it. Example: I’m PETRIFIED of sloths. Putting aside the fact that nothing that moves that slowly can be from this planet, let’s acknowledge the fact that they’re rapists. I’m scared of them because after a lot of research, I also learned they happen to be a huge carrier of disgusting diseases, pee on themselves often and grow mold on their bodies. Now that I think about it, that description also fits a lot of people I know…but that’s not what’s important here. Sloths are fucking useless and nobody likes a rapist.

Back to sharks. When the news story came out last week about the women that were ‘attacked’ by a shark on Cape I got so mad I punched a pillow.  You take a kayak out, at dusk, and paddle into a group of seals to “see if you can get a picture of a great white”, what the hell did you think was going to happen? Dusk is when sharks feed and kayaks look EXACTLY like their main food source which you decided to paddle into. I don’t wish physical harm on anyone, but a large, small part of me wishes they suffered a minor flesh wound just so they know not to fuck around next time.

Think about it..would you go into the jungles of Africa, dressed like a zebra, hoping to get up close and personal with a pack of lions? No. So, why would you think it’s okay to paddle into a shark’s home, disguised as their prey, then blame it for taking a nibble? You probably also blame trees and plant life in general when you get a splinter and 100% steal salt and pepper packets from McDonald’s because those are the kinds of people that would be stupid enough to paddle into open ocean in hopes of seeing a shark then get pissed when one decides to say hello back.

Fact: vending machines are responsible for an average of 13 deaths a year. That’s more than two and a half times the amount of injuries caused by sharks. Better think twice next time you punch in that code for a bag of snack mix, homie.

So basically, what I’m saying, is stop being scared of something that you have no reason to be. Learn when and where not to swim, don’t be an idiot and I promise you, you’ll survive your dip in the ocean. If you ask me, there are WAY more things to be scared of than being attacked by a shark. Like being mugged, making eye contact with those guys at the mall that work the perfume kiosks, or getting raped by a sloth..all of which have a higher chance of occurring than you being bitten by a shark. Maybe not, but in all seriousness, what the fuck is a coconut?!