GG’s Guide to Breaking Down a Cape Guy

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beard

I’ve written it before and I’ll write it again; dating someone from the Cape takes patience, understanding and usually a lot of drugs and/or alcohol. The guys here are cut from a different fabric, and that fabric is whatever cargo pants are made of. They’re rough around the edges, always kind of dirty for some reason and don’t give a shit about anything other than drinking beer after a hard days work and sleeping in on their day off.

**before I start getting hate comments and death threats; this post isn’t me talking shit, it’s me telling it like it is – oh and I’m not hating, because I myself prefer a Cape guy over a fancy Boston suit any day. Also.. lesbianhonest, us Cape chicks aren’t all fucking rainbows and butterflies, either.

Anyways – here’s my break down of a Cape guy:

He will most likely never ask you out on a date. If he does, it will happen only after you’ve already hung out or will be an invitation to a group setting. And by “invitation” I mean he’ll just show up where you are. This is something I’ve never really been able to figure out…it’s almost like they work backwards. They don’t actually start wining and dining until you’ve already slept with them. I guess they like to make sure you’re worth the steak tips and night away from the bonfire/ sitting on the couch smoking pot with their boys. I actually can’t say that I blame them. Why waste a night of The Walking Dead for a floozy who doesn’t shut up about her ex boyfriend or how much she loves her cat? Fuck. You guys are smarter than I thought..

He’s never going to take you dancing or to the ballet. But he will teach you how to fish and help you cheat when you suck at beer pong..

You’re never going to see him in a suit and tie. Unless you’re attending a wedding, and even then he’s only putting it on if it’s open bar and/or you promise to pay him in sexual favors. If you ask him to “put something nice on” for some sort of holiday or occasion he’s going to be fucking pissed. You might as well just let him stay home in his boxers because he’s going to ruin your night by pouting in the corner and telling you how much he hates your family..

They aren’t going to show up on your doorstep with flowers or buy you the Louis Vuitton bag you’ve wanted since birth (for reasons outside of the fact that they would rather punch themselves in the dick than willingly spend a mortgage payment on a leather handbag).. but you know what they will do? They will learn what makes you laugh and remember to use it on the days that you’re sad or stressed out to put a smile on your face. They’ll keep a construction logo’d hoodie in the back of their car for the nights they know you’ll bitch about being cold even though you told him to fuck off when he suggested you bring a coat, and they wouldn’t miss a family function for the world regardless of how bat shit your blood line is..

Cape guys don’t compliment you, and if they do it’s few and far between.

To be completely honest, I wouldn’t trade this Cape guy characteristic for anything. Receiving a compliment from a guy in the city is as easy as getting knifed in Hyannis – shit happens on the reg. Getting a Cape guy to say you’re beautiful when you walk into a room or that you’re incredibly smart and fun? That takes some serious fucking work. Which means it’s sincere and worth a hundred times more than Joe Shmoe who offers to buy you a vodka soda in exchange for your digits so he can send you dick pics when he gets home

You want a ring? Average wait time: 5-12 years. Some people get all bent out of shape asking, “WHAT is he waiting for?! They bought a house and a DOG but no diamond!?” slow your roll and take a step back, psycho. Cape guys are on their own time and life plan – you try and rush that mother fucker and he’ll jump ship faster than Hooper gets verbally assaulted by Islanders in Jaws. He’ll get the ring when he’s good and ready..or at least until she gets pregnant and even then it’s still another 3-4 years

So I guess what I’m trying to “break down” is that yes; Cape guys prefer Carhartt over Cartier, will almost never pick up the phone to ask or take you on a fancy first date, nor will they spit game about how beautiful and smart you are on a daily bases. BUT, what they will do, is remind you of what every girl should be so lucky to have as her other half; a hard working, thoughtful and kind hearted man who keeps you grounded, makes you feel beautiful in his t-shirt and sweatpants, always knows how to make you laugh, and hands you a cold Bud heavy while settling into the seat next to you at the bonfire.

soul mates

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

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Comments 42

  3. Thank you for clearing it up for those if us who are totally baffled by these men. Being from the south, I thought it was just a regional thing.

  4. Hey GG, Youre a beautiful girl and you have the best posts on this site.

    Sincerely,
    An armed and dirty in Hyannis (cant break all sterotypes in one post)

  5. Do you live in a trailer park? The way you spell it out, all cape guys are white trash, Larry The Cable Guy clones. You “telling it like it is” is probably the single stupidest line of self justification I’ve ever read. That’s your preemptive defense? “Just telling it like it is”? How about don’t lump everyone into the same narrow, limited category? Your ignorance of the world outside your tiny, isolated clique is so severe you’ve seemingly confused it for insight. Clearly you know fuck-all of cape cod, and the people that live there. You want play the part of the white trash queen of cape cod? By all means go on, embarass yourself. Just don’t try to pull entire groups of people down into your pedantic dreams.

    2. You’re right about one thing, there is another type of guy on the Cape. The wannabe gangsters with their pants sagging below their ass so the world can see their shit-stained boxers and listen to their “holier than thou” piss poor attitude. Because that is SUCH a better option. It’s an opinionated article, not a documentary, so chill the fuck out.

      P.s. You throwing a temper tantrum like a 3 year old isn’t exactly helping the male population of Cape Cod get any brownie points. Just saying.

        1. Speaking as a cape guy for … a long bloody time….

          Listen up, junior mint. She nailed it. Yeah, that would be me, Real live Cape boy since I was born at what was then Hyannis Hospital. As opposed to somebody who has been here since what, last Thursday?

          And, dingdong, it’s not anything like a putdown.

          It’s a love letter. Learn to read, it will really expand your horizons.

          Meanwhile, I’m sure you were happier back in Brockton. Why is it you’re not there now, instead of working at the I-fell-for-it-apple-crap accessories kiosk in the Hyannis mall? Buses leave on the hour from Hyannis.

          Love and kisses

          Uncle Doc

          1. Huh. The glitter cult adds one more.
            Are you the “clever” one? Also, if you were born in Brockton by the sea, why are you so hateful towards the original? Also, what do you have against people making a living working at kiosks? It’s not not glamorous, but they’re not pulling a gubmint check.
            I’ve noticed an trend with glitter pig and her minions: sharing their bigoted views under the guise of “humor” . The problem, is that none of you fucking rejects are the slightest bit funny. And no, busses do not leave hy-town on the hour you dolt. If you were really from Hyannis, you’d know that.

              1. A- he’s illiterate. Sad, that such have access to the interweb.

                B- I stand corrected, they don’t leave on the hour, they leave on the half hour: http://www.p-b.com/schedule-pdfs/Full%20Sched%201-25-14.pdf

                C- I apologise to one and all, for responding to such a blatant troll. Let us all ignore him and his future nonsense from here on in. Let him wither in his own idiocy. Should the Real Cape webmonsters see fit to ban him….well, there’s a heartbreak we can all live with.

        2. Yes because growing up on the Cape and dating guys on the Cape means I have absolutely no idea what a Cape guy is like. You must know me oh SO well CapeCodmaul. The average man living here that you consider to be “white trash” is more attractive than your 12 year old boy playing call of duty trash talking personality. I sincerely suggest you talk to some professional about that temper dude. Anyways, I’m bored with this and I’m bored with you so I’m out of here. Feel free to vent your little heart out about how we all suck and can go fuck ourselves. However I have better things to be doing than continuing to waste my time and my breath on the likes of a sorry sap who doesn’t know how to take a joke. Have a wicked nice time…
          (And Uncle Doc…You’re awesome 🙂 )

            1. Was that sexual tension I felt with you? Id love to help you to “calmyourtits” with my pecker.

              If you want to go on a date sometime please let me know. I am not like one of those cape guys.
              Im only mad cause I have a little dick and need to get laid. I took her post very personally. im a nice guy and Im tired of being in the friendzone.

              P P Please Respond ;_;

  6. This totally applies to Cape Ann guys too!! (which being from the South Shore and Spending time on Cape Cod my whole life, I didn’t even know that Cape Ann meant Gloucester/Rockport until I started dating my Cape Ann Man. I have no issues with any of these characteristics either. 🙂

    1. You have to be actually kidding me. The fact this gets published is a fucking joke. I don’t know many guys like that on Cape Cod. The most hill billy of them all still do not conduct themselves in the manner described. You are an embarrassment and should have your shit taken off the internet ASAP.

  10. Cape guy here. My girlfriend and I bought a house before getting married. We never lived together before we were married (I lived in the house with my mattress, easy chair, clock radio and coffeemaker). No diamond.
    Step ahead 34 years. Still married, same house, three grown kids (employed college grads). Cape guy with the right Cape girl, can’t beat it.

  14. FUCK THE HATERS. This shit is on point. Wicked on point. Real cape writers you guys really need to stop makin me homesick. Fuck man! 2 more weeks in the military and I can come back to my old ways! Lol

  15. You’re talking about a very specific socieconomic demographic. Maybe try, and you won’t date some loser?

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