Introducing The Most Drug Dealeriest Drug Dealer Backpack Ever On Earth

dude guy

YPD – Rivera became combative swinging his arms and elbows and striking Officer Ambrosini several times. Officer Ambrosini took Rivera to the snow covered ground and continued to attempt to place Rivera’s hands behind his back and place him under arrest. Rivera ignored the repeated verbal commands and continued to resist and fight. Yarmouth Police Department Patrol Officer Sean Geary arrived and with the use of a Taser and physical force, Ambrosini and Geary were able to overcome the attack and place Rivera in custody.

Ok, now that the suspect is in custody, let’s play a game called “What’s in the most drug dealery backpack in history”.  Here is a photo of the contents of the perps backpack…


Looks like we’ve got ourselves a genuine Cape Cod starter kit right here folks. You simply can not get any more drug dealery than this. We’ve got every cliche in the book going on here, it literally looks like this dude went to Drug Mart and got the street dealer starter kit. Let’s break it down clockwise from the top right.

1. Baggies – A cop’s best friend, instantly elevates any possession charge to intent to distribute.

2. A razor blade – Not sure what it’s for, probably has lots of uses. I do know that any dealer worth his salt wouldn’t be caught dead without one.

3. Five… FIVE! electronic scales – When you are slanging shit on foot in the middle of nowhere you can’t be too prepared. Imagine the egg on the dealers face if his first four scales batteries die and he doesn’t have a fifth? Rookie shit.

4. Syringe – Must be diabetic

5. A meat cleaver – I’m a little lost on this one, does he have a rack of lamb, but wants chops for dinner? Either way it made me chuckle, he’s carrying around a MEAT CLEAVER.

6. Some sort of tools? – A stud finder maybe?

7. Five… FIVE! cell phones – Well I guess if your drug dealing trips take so long that you need five scales, then you need at least five cell phones too. I hope he’s smart enough to have different ring tones for each one or it could take forever to figure out which one is ringing and answer it.

8. The drugs – A relatively small amount when you gauge it by the amount of baggies scales and cell phones this dude is carrying. Why do you need hundreds of baggies and five scales when you have less drugs than a 75 year old diabetic?

9. $180 – This guy has more money tied up in scales and cell phones than he has ACTUAL money.

10. Knives – Is the one on the left from a Lord of The Rings Happy Meal?

In conclusion. This dude has way more accessories than he has drugs or money. Maybe he should open an electronics kiosk in the mall and start selling scales and cell phones. He seems to have much more inventory for that than he does drug dealing.

Overall it’s a nearly flawless drug dealer backpack. It’s probably the exact same thing they use in the police academy training to teach cadets what to look for in a drug dealer backpack. Just so drug dealery it almost seems fake. Overall it’s a 9.5. A simple way to improve that score? Less stuff, more drugs.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Comments 8

  1. LOL!!!!! are the blue pills "The Little Blue Pill"??? his tools of the trade look like a CIGARETTE (not joint) roller and a "herb" grater. I bet he paid $19.99 for not one, but – get this – TWO of these, not available in stores, wanna-be kits. BWAHAHA

  2. What an adorable little meat cleaver. Some swan Pond squirrels will rest easier tonight with that off the streets.

  3. I like how they put his cigarette roller in the photo, like it's some sort of drug paraphernalia.

    "Ambrosini! Put that thing over there in the photo."

    "The cigarette roller?!"

    "JUST DO IT"

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