Hyannis Man Allegedly Stole Church Donations – Cape Cod Criminal Hall of Fame?

CapeCodTimes.com – A 26-year-old Hyannis man pleaded not guilty in Barnstable District Court Monday to seven charges after being arrested over the weekend for allegedly stealing from a church.

Guy Face pleaded not guilty to breaking and entering at nighttime for a felony, possession of a burglarious instrument (flashlight), two counts of assault and battery on a police officer, resisting arrest, disorderly conduct, and breaking into a depository.

Barnstable police posted an officer at Our Lady of Victory in Centerville on Saturday after discarded donation envelopes were found there on multiple Sunday mornings. At about 8:30 p.m. a man later identified as Mr. Face entered the church, turned on a light and headed toward the sacristy, according to police.

Officer Anson Moore approached Guy Face in the sacristy and the suspect ran, according to the report. The two men struggled and Moore lost his gun, police said. During the fight, they fell down a set of stairs into the parking lot, where people were congregated after a meeting in the church. An off-duty officer in the area grabbed Mr. Face, and he was arrested.

Guy Face told police he had been taking money for a “few weeks,” according to the report. Carpenter estimated he had taken “a few hundred” dollars each time, police wrote.

Kinda on the fence with whether or not we should put this guy in the all time Cape Criminal Hall of Fame. Part of me says this dude is extra awful for stealing from a church since some of that money was probably going to the needy. But then again, some of it was going towards shuffling around pedophiles so they can live out their disgusting little lives in some seminary somewhere allowing them to reminisce about the good old days when diddling altar boys was like shooting fish in a barrel. A confusing conundrum to be sure.

Alas, the most confusing part of this escapade isn’t whether or not to crucify this guy, it’s a much more puzzling realization. There is a criminal charge called “possession of a burglarious instrument”? I don’t even think burglarious is a word, and I say that because as I write this there is a red squiggly liner under it. That’s scientifical proof as far as I’m concerned. The red squiggly line is infallible. Almost godlike if you will.

What I’m really concerned about is that I have a bunch of fencing at my house that I need to rip apart with a crowbar and cut up with a sawzall. Am I going to be surrounded by a SWAT team in my backyard this weekend? Because those “instruments” are about as “burglarious” as you can get. This dude caught a “burglarious” instrument possession charge for a flashlight? My sawzall and crowbar could land me in Walpole for 10-15 all I know. I can’t go to jail, I’ve written tasteless jokes about half of the inmates.