Hey Baby Seals, Get Off My Peninsula!

CapeCodOnline.com – The spring birthing season for gray and harbor seals has prompted marine mammal conservationists to issue warnings to the public to keep at least 150 feet away from the animals.

The chances of encountering a mother and pup or a lone pup along the shoreline in the Northeast is greatly increased at this time of year, officials with the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) Fisheries Greater Atlantic Region said yesterday.

“A mother seal may just be off feeding, when someone comes across a seal pup on the beach,” according to Mendy Garron, who coordinates the marine mammal stranding program in the Northeast for NOAA. Garron is based in Gloucester.

“The best thing you can do if you want to help is keep away from the animal and keep your pets away from it, so the mother has a chance to return,” she said.

Oh hey neat! Another animal we have to alter our lives to avoid! I guess we have to add baby seals to the list of Piping Plovers, road toads etc. Oh and not only us but we need to keep our pets away from them as well.

Here’s my question, why doesn’t someone tell the baby seals to stay the fuck away from me? Hey baby seal, if you see me coming with a cooler full of Bud Light’s, a chair and an umbrella? You better give my ass a 150 ft. cushion, because once these Bad Larry’s go down there’s no telling how volatile I might get if you disturb my natural habitat. Just keep your distance if you don’t want a beach umbrella up your seal ass… mmmkay?

These animals need to learn to respect their elders. I’ve been going to the beach on Cape Cod for years, take your baby ass to some rock in the middle of the ocean where you belong. The only thing you’re doing around here is attracting sharks and eating up all the fish that should be on my grill. Basically what’s happening is you’re stealing our delicious striper lunch and turning us into dinner for Jaws, so hey baby seals, get the fuck off my peninsula.