I’m sure by now everyone has heard about that shark that some helicopter spotted off of Duxbury beach. They proceeded to close down the entire South Shore and evacuate everyone into bomb shelters on high ground. I’m pretty sure they can still only go into the water up to their ankles even days later.

Hey Duxbury, we had two Great White Taggings, YESTERDAY ALONE. Do you know how many beaches we shut down? Zero. So have fun with the anti Sharknado tanks rolling through your streets like World War III, we’ll be playing a friendly game of tag with our Great Whites down here if you need us… wusses.

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CCT– A traffic stop on Main Street Sunday afternoon led to the arrest of three, including a juvenile on illegal gun charges. According to a Barnstable police release, Officer Corey Frederickson pulled over a driver on Main Street around 5:30 p.m. for a defective taillight and a marked lanes violation.

As Officer Frederickson spoke with the driver, 19-year-old Jeffrey Bartelmy of Stoughton, he reportedly noted Bartelmy’s red and glassy eyes and smelled a strong odor of marijuana, police said. As he spoke to Bartelmy, Officer Frederickson reportedly observed the front seat passenger “shifting around” and moving his hand to his waistband repeatedly.

Back-up was requested and when the front seat passenger, a juvenile from Brockton was frisked, officers pulled a loaded .38 caliber revolver from his waistband, according to police, officers found and seized two bags–one containing an undisclosed amount of heroin, the other containing an undisclosed amount of marijuana.

Come on guys, really? A defective taillight? Your criminal careers aren’t going to be very lucrative if you can’t figure out the basics. Just make yourself a checklist before you leave the house…

• Do I have my gun?
• Do I have my weed?
• Do I have my heroin?
• Do the car lights work?

Feel free to print that out and put it on your fridge, maybe even laminate it and tape it to your dashboard. For you extra challenged dope heads you could even wear it around your neck like a lanyard. People might even think you have a job!

P.S. Don’t for a second think that the irony of a dude from Brockton getting arrested in Brockton-By-The-Sea was lost on me. Sometimes even a .38 caliber revolver needs a little beach vacation to its sister city.

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So the seal population is officially so bad that they are turning the ocean into a sewage plant and making the streets of P-Town literally smell like shit. Oh, and many experts believe the population is only going to keep booming and inundating more marinas and other space inhabited by humans in the next few years.

It was one thing when the seals started attracting Great White sharks to Cape Cod like moths to a flame. It was another thing when they started eating every Striped Bass in sight. It is an entirely different story when they start stinking up the streets of Provincetown during their parade. Just take a look at these Facebook posts from a P-Town group I belong to for research purposes only…

A pissed off tourist isn’t much to worry about. A pissed off fisherman is a pretty scary thing, but the last thing anyone wants to deal with is a bunch of pissed off gays. Ruin their parade once and there’ll be some Facebook backlash, ruin it twice and I can guarantee that clubbing will take on a whole new meaning. Just watch how fast they trade techno music for Louisville sluggers.

Seriously though, at this point we just need someone to be the patsy. All it will take is one person to get bit by a shark and it’s open season on these seals. That entire peninsula full of them is nothing a Gatling gun couldn’t take care of in a matter of minutes.

P.S. Seriously, this is disgusting…

P.P.S. Good news for Georgia though…

thanks to Andrew for the tip

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Examiner.com – In Centerville, Massachusetts, a beautiful Wooly Siberian husky was surrendered to the Massachusetts Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals located near Cape Cod. The message to Dogs Deserve Better, an animal advocacy and welfare organization follows:

“This old girl was just dumped at my local MSPCA. I have met her, and she was friendly, but of course a bit anxious. She is 14, in excellent health, very pretty, wooly coat, brown eyes, spayed and up to date on shots. NO
behavior issues and in great shape; lots of life left in her. . Needs a loving home. I am trying to find a foster immediately to get her out of the shelter. She is at the Centerville MSPCA.”

Under the owner information for the reason she was surrendered was “want to travel.”

What kind of person can just get rid of their 14 year old dog so they can go to Europe? That’s like putting your kid up for adoption when they turn 17 because you don’t feel like taking care of them anymore. “Sorry Junior, we know you have another year of High School left but your mother and I really want to go to France. I’m sure they’ll find you a nice foster home, and we’ll send a post card from the Eiffel Tower.”

Fuck these people, they should have their names made public so they can get the ridicule they deserve. That dog would probably lay down on train tracks to save its owners and this is what she gets in return? Somebody needs to adopt this dog A.S.A.P. and pamper the living shit out of her.

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Fox43.com – A bite from a certain kind of tick, could give you an allergy to meat.  The so-called Lone Star tick, which has a single white spot on its back, is the one to watch out for.

The ticks have a sugar that humans don’t have called Alpha-Gal. The sugar is also in red meats and some dairy.

Jeffrey Tucker, an urban entomologist in Houston, explains how a human becomes allergic to meat.

“It develops antibodies, a way to fight those foreign antigens, it could happen weeks or months or years later. You eat some meat, that sugar is also found in meat and your body reacts to it,” said Tucker.

“As an allergist, it’s unbelievable,” said Dr. Clifford Bassett, Medical Director of Allergy and Asthma Care of New York. “What it means is, if you have a Lone Star tick, and it bites you, within several days, things are occurring in your immune system and you actually may develop delayed reactions to red meat.  That includes beef, pork and lamb.”

Oh cut the shit will ya science. Yesterday we posted about the new disease being spread by deer ticks and someone posted a link to this article in the comments. I figured it was from The Onion, but then I click and find out that this shit is real? You can actually be forced into vegetarianism from a tick bite? This obviously poses a very serious question.

Would you rather get lyme disease or become allergic to meat?

I know most of you are probably going to say that Lyme disease is much worse, with really painful symptoms etc. but hear me out. While it is probably much more painful, it doesn’t last forever. It can be treated and its victims go on to live more or less normal lives.

There is nothing normal about a life without cheeseburgers and steak tips. I’m pretty sure that I would develop the symptoms of Lyme disease if I didn’t have meat every few days anyway. A stiff neck, chills, fever, swollen lymph nodes, headaches, fatigue, muscle aches, and joint pain are nothing compared to what I’d go through after a few days without my salami pizza.

Before we put this to a vote, don’t be fooled by the name Lone Star either, these pricks are in the northeast just like deer ticks.

So what will it be, let’s decide by popular vote shall we?

P.S. This vegetarian tick bite disease is the weirdest thing I’ve heard of since that chick that developed a french accent from a car accident.

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HP – A Maine lobsterman says he and his 14-year-old daughter caught a one-in-two-million crustacean: a blue lobster.

The story has a happy ending for the lobster. Meghan says she is naming it Skyler and donating it to the Maine State Aquarium, far from any dinner rolls or pats of butter. The aquarium says it has three other blue lobsters and an orange one.

Oh hey isn’t that cute, a blue lobster and they named it and everything. How amazing that only one in two million lobsters are blue like that, what a crazy story.

Hey Maine, why don’t you suck on this one in 30 million calico lobster that’s here on The Cape.

CCT – The calico lobster is indeed special. According to experts, calico lobsters are the second rarest lobsters–second only to albino lobsters. Calicos, with a mottled orange and black shell, are a one in 30 million find, according to the Lobster Institute at the University of Maine. Other rarities include blue, yellow, split color and albino lobsters.

Chris King encourages folks to stop by Cape Tip Seafood at 18 Old Colony Way in Orleans to take a peek at this fascinating find.

The second most rare lobster in the world, and we didn’t even bother to name it. So go ahead and throw a parade or something for your precious little “Skyler”, but do us a favor and tone it down a little until you have an albino or two OK?

Don’t forget to tip your waiter Maine, because you just got served. Your move Maine, your move.

P.S. How do you not name that blue lobster “Violet” after the girl in Willy Wonka, just an absolute no brainer…

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Onion – In a surprise predawn raid Monday, heavily armed FBI agents stormed the notorious Kennedy Compound in Massachusetts, reportedly arresting more than two dozen key members of the faction and exposing many of the bizarre inner workings of this insular fundamentalist organization.

According to officials, agents in full SWAT gear disembarked from patrol boats just off Cape Cod and quickly advanced upon the 6-acre oceanfront compound. The raid followed a multiyear investigation into illicit activities by the secretive Kennedy group, which are said to have included substance abuse, rampant promiscuity, and carefully formulated plans to seize control of the United States.

Well, well, well. The Kennedy’s sure have been getting a ton of press lately. Teens dating pop singers, dudes trying to find Katy Perry on the compound, Ethel challenging Obama to an ice bucket challenge. Maybe I was right and they are grooming a Kennedy to restore Camelot!

How else do you explain all of these stories popping up recently and keeping them in the news. Mark my words, we are one Marilyn Monroe away from another JFK coming out of nowhere. Bring back the swagger and you bring back Camelot.

P.S. If you comment or email us complaining about the validity of an article in The Onion then you need to do some serious soul searching.

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