Capecodonline.com – While there is no plan to evacuate the Cape if the Pilgrim Nuclear Power Station in Plymouth has a radioactive release, there is, for the first time, a double-sided sheet of guidelines residents can follow while “sheltering in place.”

Called the “emergency reference sheet,” it includes information on what to do as well as what not to do following a radiological incident.

For instance, residents are advised not to head for the Sagamore or Bourne bridges since evacuation from areas closer to the plant will cut off travel for those trying to leave the Cape. Cars offer no protection, so those caught in traffic jams will endure greater exposure to radiation.

The advice from emergency experts is to immediately go inside, lock windows and doors, and grab the portable radio.

And above all, “stay calm.”

After more than a year’s effort, a committee of local emergency management directors, public safety officers, anti-nuclear activists and legislative aides produced the instruction sheet, which will be printed on heavy card stock and made available in several locations.

Morley said there is no viable way to evacuate the Cape, and there are no existing radiological shelters on the Cape, which limits the options for residents.

“The only choice is to shelter in place,” he said.

Is this supposed to make us feel better or worse? Basically what they are saying to Cape Codders is that if there is a nuclear meltdown; “Don’t try and drive over the bridges because the evacuation plans for everyone else will make that impossible. Just shut the window, grab the portable radio that you threw away seven years ago, stay calm, and die peacefully at home.”

How about this part? “There are no existing radiological shelters on The Cape, the only choice is to shelter in place.” Huh? You just said there are no shelters, how can we shelter in place if there aren’t any shelters? Cocaine’s a helluva drug.

So yeah, this isn’t so much of a nuclear survival plan as it is a handbook for agoraphobia. The least they could do is add “stop at the liquor store and stock up” so we could all at least go out having a good time.

P.S. What on earth could locking your door do when a nuclear cloud is coming? Does radiation knock a few times, try the knob and then leave when it realizes the door is locked? Lock my door? Seriously?

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WCVB – The two women, in their 20s, were taking pictures of seals about 150 yards offshore in separate kayaks, when the great white bit one off the kayaks.  Both boats were  overturned in the attack.

The women, who were not injured, swam away, as did the shark.  A bystander called 911 and the women were rescued by the Plymouth Harbormaster.

Let me get this straight, these ladies were splashing around taking pictures of seals in their kayaks? You have to be kidding me! A kayak looks exactly like a seal from below, and the paddle is two perfect little fins! Where are these two chicks now? Roaming the Serengeti in wildebeest outfits?

I have literally made jokes about forcing tourists to kayak with the seals when I was thinking of the most ridiculous thing they could possibly do to get themselves eaten. Not in a million years did I think anyone would actually do it. I guess this sign doesn’t seem so stupid anymore… (from this post)

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NECN – A great white shark attacked two kayakers off the Plymouth, Massachusetts, coast Wednesday evening at Manomet Point, authorities say.

The shark came up from beneath the two women and took a bite out of one of their kayaks, according to the Plymouth Harbormaster.

Neither of the women kayaking was injured in the attack.

I am not one to say I told you so, BUT I TOLD YOU SO! It’s just a matter of time I said, and now it’s happened. It’s on now folks, the big net around the Cape to Boston, clubbing baby seals, all of it. Just call me Nostrahippie because I called this shit AGES AGO!

CLICK HERE for our complete shark history.

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OL.com – Lake Oswego Police are searching for a man suspected of masturbating near and peering in the windows of homes in the Lake Grove neighborhood.

Police say the owner of a home on the 3000 block of Douglas Circle reportedly chased a masturbating man out of the driveway at 2:45 a.m. on Thursday. The man ran down Twin Fir Road near Upper Drive, police said.

Police later learned of a security video showing a man in the backyard of another home on Douglas Circle. Still photos from the video appear to show the man wearing a “Cape Cod” T-shirt.

In the video, the man briefly leaves the camera view but returns with no clothes on. He appears to peer into windows of the house and masturbate, police said. The man can also be seen drinking what appears to be a beer and smoking.

C’mon man! Like we don’t have enough problems with our image from outsiders. People already think we are a bunch of alcoholic heroin addicts that inbreed in the winter time, now we have to deal with this? Please, if anyone reading this is planning on heading off Cape anytime soon to spray some shingles with baby batter, do us a favor and wear a Wareham shirt will ya?

P.S. I almost convinced myself that this guy was a former tourist and not a real Cape Codder, but then I read about his multi tasking skills. Homeboy was smoking a butt and drinking a beer while he was masturbating? Yep, there’s only one place to learn that juggling act. This dude is a Cape Codder alright.

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CCT – With some good investigative work and an eagle-eyed detective, Barnstable police captured a Malden woman, wanted in Massachusetts and New Hampshire. According to a Barnstable police release, officers responded to a past larceny call at Best Buy in the Cape Cod Mall on Tuesday.

Store employees told police a woman had approached a Best Buy associate and said she worked for a non-profit organization and that she was interested in purchasing two Microsoft tablets with a combined value of $2,600. The woman reportedly took the tablets to the front end cashier and said due to her tax-exempt status, she had paid for the items at the customer service desk.

Not long after she left the store, employees realized she had stolen the tablets and contacted Barnstable police. Detective Valerie Hemmila identified the suspect on store video as 39-year-old Danielle Scrima of Malden. Malden had reportedly used the same story to steal 3 iPod Touches from the Hyannis Toys R Us in November 2013, police said.

Ah, the old “I already paid for it” scam. It’s as elaborate as the day is long. I can’t say I’m surprised though, this was bound to happen sooner or later. Have you ever asked an “associate” at Best Buy a question? I did. Once. In 2007, and it went something like this…

Hippie: “I have a huge bay window in my living room so it’s very bright during the day, would you recommend a plasma or an LCD television for my situation?”

Best Buy Guy: “I love lamp.”

Ever since then I keep my eyes down and mind my own business, there’s nothing more depressing than asking someone a question, looking in their eyes, and seeing the back of their skull.

So, as harsh as we are with criminals on this site, this time you kinda have to blame the stores. If you hire coat racks as employees eventually someone is going to pull the wool over their eyes with a less than Mission Impossible level scam.

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CL – Do you have want it takes to be a SIGN SPINNER? $12 CALL NOW! (Hyannis)

compensation: $12hr

**** We are still hiring if you are reading this ad!****

Leading outdoor sign company is looking to employ new team members in your area. Positions available as soon as tomorrow.

Can you attract attention by spinning a and waving a sign?

Its a MUST.

I would quickly like to take this opportunity to ask anyone that does not have what it takes to be a sign spinner,to kindly kill yourself. Thank you, that is all.

P.S. Amputees and paraplegics get a pass.

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Ack.net– Beginning next spring, if you hear sirens sounding throughout the island, it could be an alert to a fire, impending storm or another emergency event.

The town’s new Emergency Warning System is comprised of three sirens which will be installed over the winter or spring. One will be in Madaket, one in Sconset and one at the town-owned 2 Fairgrounds Road property. The Madaket and Sconset sirens will be installed at the remote fire stations, town emergency management coordinator Dave Fronzuto said.

 “This isn’t new technology, this is kind of the basics for public- notice systems,” said police chief Bill Pittman, who proposed the idea after talking about it with town officials for years.

So let me get this straight, if you hear the sirens it means that there is a fire… or a storm coming… or another emergency event? Um… What year is this? How do you know which emergency to prepare for? What’s to keep me from hurricane taping the windows of a building that’s actually on fire?

It seems a little confusing to use such antiquated technology in the 21st century. Hey Nantucket, instead of having people running around all confused, putting on rain coats and galoshes to prepare for a missile attack, why don’t you just open a Twitter account? It can be tough to get all the details out in 140 characters or less, but not nearly as tough as getting all the details out when you are using a fucking siren.

P.S. How about that last paragraph? Even chief Pittman is like… “This shit is old as dirt”.

P.P.S. If you are on Nantucket, and it is possible for you to be taken by surprise by a storm that is strong enough to warrant a siren, in the year 2014? Then you need to re asses your life.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony