Mashable.com – The makers of a hooded jacket with a range of accessories for the smart drinker, including a hidden flask pocket and a bottle-opener zipper, sought to raise $50,000 when they Kickstarted the project in November. Now, with hours to go before the funding stage is over, the Drinking Jacket has raised a whopping $456,000, more than nine times the required amount.

Touted as “the ultimate gift for any drinker,” the jacket also sports non-slip grips built right into the sleeves, a place to store your sunglasses, and a “beer koozie” pocket.

Oh god damn it! How in the hell did I not think of this? Come to think of it, how the hell did it take this long for anyone to invent this? We have Snuggies, hillbilly teeth and Sham Wows but we just got the drinking jacket?

As genius as this idea is, it’s really not quite up to par for the level of drinking we do here on Cape Cod. The Cape version would need to have more than one koozie pocket. It would need one of those Rambo style ammunition holder things to hold 30 cans right across the chest. It should also be flame retardant in case you fall into the fire and double as a personal flotation device as well.

Hey Drinking Jacket people let me know if you can make these adjustments, I know a few hundred thousand people that would buy one tomorrow.

h/t to P.T. Mads esquire for the tip

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CapeCodOnline.com – Two Hyannis men were arrested Friday night on warrants when police raided a Ridgewood Avenue restaurant they call “a clubhouse” for local drug dealers.

Another Hyannis man suspected of selling drugs at the restaurant was arrested on a warrant in Dennis and more arrests are expected, police said.

More than 20 officers from the Barnstable, Yarmouth and Mashpee police departments as well as the state police and Barnstable County Sheriff’s Office arrived at The Shanghai Chinese Restaurant at around 10 p.m. to arrest the men, who Barnstable Detective Lt. John Murphy said are known to deal drugs at the restaurant on a regular basis.

Waaaaaiiitttt a second. Hold on just one minute. You mean to tell me that the Hy-Town Chinese food place in that photo was a haven for drug dealers? What an absolutely SHOCKING revelation!

Seriously, look at that place, drug dealers were obligated to do business there, they just had to. It is written into the lease for all brick faced Chinese restaurants that they must have at least one coke dealer on the premises during business hours. It wouldn’t surprise me if there were heroin and crack options printed on the appetizer menu.

Drug dealing at a seedy Chinese restaurant is as american as apple pie. There isn’t a town in the United States where you can’t get an eight ball and an order of beef lo mein at two in the morning. I’ve always just figured that Chinese food restaurants were kind of like international waters and the laws of this country no longer apply once you walk through the beads and past the coy pond.

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CapeCodOnline.com – A 6-year-old cocker spaniel was killed Saturday morning when she was shot six times in the throat by hunters in a wooded area off Head of the Meadow Road, police said.

“This is just a horrible, horrible thing. If you think about it, for someone to shoot a friendly 28-pound cocker spaniel with a pink collar that jingles, it’s just terrible,” said Sophie’s owner, Kenneth Dutra, 70, in tears. “I don’t know how my wife and I are going to get through this.”

Dutra was on the premises Saturday morning when he saw two men in orange hunting gear in the area, so he whistled to call his two dogs to the car, he said.

As he was getting Sammy into the car, he heard several shots fired and walked into the campsite and found Sophie bleeding profusely, struggling to stay alive. The hunters had fled the area, he said.

“I’ve hunted myself over the years and I would never ever do something like this,” said Dutra, whose son is an animal control officer. “It is a big joke for some people … to shoot and kill a fox or some other animal that would never bother them.”

It was one thing when that guy was shot by a hunter in Hyannis, he lived and people suck anyway. Killing a dog is a different story all together. This little girl was running over to lick some faces and they put six rounds in her throat? SIX?

Whoever did this should replace Kim Jong Un as public enemy #1. I want autopsies, forensics, ballistics, and any other words I’ve heard on TV that I don’t know the meaning of and I want these hunters found and sentenced to a Hunger Games style death.

RIP Sophie

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CapeCodOnline.com – Fire crews from several Cape departments are currently battling a blaze at a one-story cottage near Zachary’s Pub.
A Cape Cod Times reporter witnessed smoke pouring out of the eaves of the structure shortly after 1 p.m. There were no visible flames.

Fire crews from Mashpee, Sandwich and the COMM departments were involved with the effort to fight the fire.

I just said four “Our fathers” and I don’t even know the words. Please Mashpee Fire Department, save us all from this evil and keep this fire from spreading to The Performing Arts Center. The community has never needed you more than we need you now.

P.S. If you’re the owner of Zachary’s you have to offer free dances to the MFD right? If the Chief gets on the bullhorn and tells the firemen that there are free lap dances next door once the fire is out that blaze is extinguished in eight seconds flat.

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Post by Atlantic White Shark Conservancy.

Holy shit, that’s what those things are? I always thought they were just something mother nature put there for kids to stab each other with. Learn something new everyday.

P.S. Here come the “Any REAL Cape Codder would know what those are” comments. You got me, it’s time to come clean. I’m actually in Arkansas and I just decided out of nowhere to dedicate my life to writing about Cape Cod.

h/t to Atlantic White Shark Conservancy

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YouCray.com –  In a highly controversial move, it was announced today that Domino’s delivery drivers on Cape Cod will start carrying the opiate reversal drug Narcan.

“We just felt that since these delivery drivers frequently interact with hungry people, and since people that use drugs, do in fact get hungry, this move would make sense.” said Marty McDouche, the head of the Cape Cod Council of Dunces. “Anything we can do in order to inhibit people from being able to do their actual job, we are going to do it.”

When asked about the new policy, Domino’s driver Ronny Itsnotmyjob said “Even though it is not even on the same planet as our job description, and we didn’t ever sign on to be medics, we think it is totally fair to burden us with the responsibility of saving peoples lives in a manner that totally contradicts the job we are trained to do.” He then added, “I hope I don’t forget it like I forget everyone’s soda every single freaking time.”

Every Domino’s employee interviewed for this story was all for the new policy when asked to speak on the record and in public. But, immediately after the recorders were turned off and they didn’t think anyone could hear them, they collectively muttered under their breath that the move was in fact “total bullshit.”

One can only hope that this trend will continue into other professions. One resident pointed out that drug users “go to the store sometimes so 7-Eleven clerks should definitely have it too”. Dan McDumdum of Orleans said that he thinks UPS drivers should also carry Narcan. “Hey, what if a drug user orders something from Amazon and it comes right when he just Od’d? We supposed to just let him die?” McDumdum said in what was originally thought to be a sarcastic manner, but was later revealed to actually be serious.

In related news, there will be a Cape wide meeting to determine whether or not guns and badges should be given to cab drivers because sometimes they see crimes happen when they are driving around and also because it seems that everyone wants to completely ignore job descriptions these days.

Dear Everyone,

This is a great idea, we totally agree with this.

Sincerely,

The Real Cape

P.S. When you first read this headline and your immediate reaction was “That’s stupid, that makes no sense”? Yeah, think about that for a sec.

 

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WBUR – One of three Afghan military officers detained after fleeing a U.S. training exercise to avoid returning to Afghanistan has been allowed to make a refugee claim in Canada, his attorney said Wednesday.

U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement turned over Capt. Mohammad Nasir Askarzada to Canadian authorities on Tuesday, spokesman Khaalid Walls confirmed.

Askarzada, along with Maj. Jan Arash and Capt. Noorullah Aminyar, took a cab from Massachusetts to New York in September and walked into Niagara Falls, Ontario, to seek refugee status.

So one of the Afghan dudes that ran away from the base and went to Zachary’s to see some T&A was allowed into Canada? It makes perfect sense if you think about it. Dude’s probably neck deep in Canadian boobies in the champagne room at Club Supersexe as we speak.

How jealous are this guys buddies back in Afghanistan? He’s in the stripper capital of the world and meanwhile they’re stuck in a desert trying to peek under their arranged fiances burka to see what 3 goats and sheep will get you these days.

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