Whether you are a vacationing couple, a guy who picked up a summer girl, or just someone who’s trying to take a girl out as a slump buster, you will quickly realize that dating on Cape Cod in the summer can get really expensive.

As a life long Cape Codder and a baller on a budget, I have devised five highly successful Cape Cod dates that won’t break the bank. Along with some charm and charisma, not only will these dates save you from having to get a Brazzers account, they will also leave you enough money to take your friends out the next day to brag of your conquest.

1-Wellfleet drive-in

There is nothing more nostalgic than getting a HJ in your car at a drive-in. Cape Cod is one of the few places which still have this luxury. Plus, instead of having to stuff your pants with store bought candy to avoid the astronomical movie theater prices, you can pack a cooler and prepare to get busy like it’s 1955.

Cost-$18+food/drink

2- Hyannisport jetty

In between the Kennedy compound and the Hyannisport yacht club stretches a 3/4 mile public jetty. The rocks are slippery and it can be difficult at times so I would not recommend this if you or your date are either on the rotund side or paraplegic. All you need for this is a six pack of beer, a towel, and a backpack. Once you get to the end, lay the towel over the seagull shit (because you are a gentleman). I do not recommend anything more then a sixer to split though; even the most agile of humans would have trouble stumble-bumping over the rocks on the way back if they are too drunk. Also, make sure that you both have proper foot attire because nothing kills the mood like your date cutting her foot open on a stray barnacle.

Cost-$10

3-Floating

A floating date is ideal, not only for its inexpensive nature, but it also gives you a chance to see your date in a bathing suit. For 40 bucks you can go to a local Wings store and get a two person float with a built-in cooler in the middle. What is better than bikinis, beaches, and beverages?

Cost-$15

4-Cape league baseball game

With teams in almost every town, there’s a game almost every night of the summer. All games are free, so after you buy a couple hot dogs and some drinks you are off the hook financially. Nothing is going to put a girl in the mood more than a bunch of 20-something year old college students in baseball pants, swinging the wood. The downfall to this is that you can almost ensure that she won’t be thinking about you later on in the bedroom. But who cares, because if you actually believe your partner thinks about you on a regular basis whilst bumping uglies, then you are either extremely naive, vain or you need to get a better grasp on reality.

Cost-22$

5-Sandwich Boardwalk

Potentially the most romantic of these dates, the Sandwich boardwalk is the perfect setting for a sunset picnic. After you walk the board walk, set up a picnic with some light snacks and a cheap bottle of wine and I guarantee that the ocean will not be the only thing moist at the Sandwich boardwalk.

Cost-30$

Note: None of the prices include the cost of condoms.

editor’s note: Frank is 30, let that sink in for a second.

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Stephanie and Steve are always a blast, they just let us ramble, which is dangerous on a medium controlled by the FCC.

We discussed everything from the fake black lady in Washington, how much Sturgis people hate us, AIDS, Alzheimer’s, and we even managed to sneak in some stuff about The Real Cape Music Festival, enjoy… (may take a few seconds to load)

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MassLive – A Cape Cod man was charged with driving while high on heroin after he nearly mowed down two cops and crashed into a fire hydrant in the Middlesex County city of Melrose, according to authorities.

Billy Boy, 34, of East Falmouth, was charged with heroin possession, reckless operation, driving under the influence of drugs, and leaving the scene of a personal-injury accident on Monday afternoon, police said.

Dotolo nearly ran down two officers, injuring one of them, before crashing into a fire hydrant on Lebanon Street around 3 p.m. and fleeing the scene of the accident, Melrose Police Chief Michael L. Lyle said.

Here is the thing about crazy Cape Cod criminals. Our guys can play at home and on the road. You think Billy Boy is gonna take a game off just because he’s not playing in front of the home crowd? Hell, no. He’s gonna go out there, shoot some H, mow down a couple of cops and take out a fire hydrant whether he’s in Melrose, East Falmouth, or Timbuktu. That’s how dedicated our players are, home or away, you can always expect 110% out of a genuine Cape Cod criminal.

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You’d think the world was coming to an end because one privileged white woman is pretending to be black. White America is freaking out left and right, but it doesn’t really seem like that big of a deal to me. I guess it’s because tons of privileged white kids have been pretending to be black on Cape Cod for years. Excuse me, tons of white kids have been “identifying” as black on Cape Cod for years.

Maybe CNN should come to this peninsula and check out the phenomenon we’ve all known about since childhood. For years we’ve been wondering why the white kid that lives on a nice cul de sac on Cape Cod and went to the same elementary school as us decided to act black. I guess he just felt right in a Tupac do-rag and a Triple Fat Goose jacket. He simply “identified” himself as looking fly as hell in Phat Pharm is all.

It’s not really a big deal, they usually end up putting one and one together and realizing that it really is much easier to be white. They notice much less police attention when they are wearing a belt instead of their pants around their knees. They notice how they get much better service at restaurants when they are wearing a collared shirt instead of a XXXXXL FUBU Tee. Basically they eventually realize that white privilege isn’t just a cliche.

So next time someone is all up in arms about the German Weave Queen up in Spokane, tell ’em it’s no big deal, she’ll grow out of it. Then tell them about white Jimmy J Roc from down the street who used to think he was in Wu Tang, but now he does your taxes and is in the Elks.

Or next time some conservative tells you it’s some liberal agenda, tell them to stop freaking out, this white people pretending to be black thing is nothing new, and they usually end up coming back to the whiteness anyway. Steve Martin was born a poor black child, and he ended up inventing the Opti-Grab. Look at Elvis, he was black as a teenager, and he ended up becoming a, white, bloated, fake DEA agent.

So everyone calm down about this fake black lady OK? It’s no big deal. Call me when Stevie Wonder pulls off a mask and reveals that he’s Old Man Withers from Scooby Doo. Then I’ll be impressed.

P.S. By the way, this “race identifying” thing works both ways, Tiger Woods has been pretending to be white his entire life. Nobody seems to care two sticks about that.

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Hippie and Bonzai stop by the Frank FM Morning Show with Stephanie and Steve tomorrow morning at 7:30 to talk about all the surprises in store for The Real Cape Music Festival. When that’s done they will most likely do what they do best and talk about the general state of the Cape. It’s always interesting when the internet and radio collide.

Make sure to tune in to 93.5, 93.9 or CLICK HERE to stream the show live.

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PTown Police FB – NOT A TYPICAL PARTY

You will never hear us say that policing in Provincetown is ever dull.

A “Party and Play” proposition that started on social media resulted in a drug arrest today.

Arrested today after a brief drug investigation by Provincetown Police Detectives was guy Face, age 26 from Fall River, Massachusetts.

Face was charged with Possession of a Class B Substance (Methamphetamine), Possession of a Class B Substance with intent to distribute and Conspiracy to violate a drug law.

Can’t really blame the person that snitched on Christian. Everyone hates those Facebook friends that keep sending us Farmville and Candy Crush game invites. Imagine how annoying it must get when your friend keeps sending you crystal meth sex party invites?

This dude’s friends probably had to do that blanket status update that seems generic but is really directed at one person…

“Please everyone, I don’t play Candy Crush, do meth, have a virtual farm, or enjoy gay sex, PLEASE stop sending me invites, thanks!”

Meanwhile, just like all those annoying Candy Crush people, Christian is scrolling through his news feed going… “I wonder if they’re talking about me”?

Newsflash Guy Face, they are.

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NECN – Nantucket Police sent out a tweet just before noon on Friday alerting residents that a raccoon had been seen in the area of Orange Street by Marine Home Center. The animal control officer and Massachusetts Environmental Police are working to trap the animal. Anyone who sees it is urged to call police at 508-228-1212.

Because it is separated from the mainland, Nantucket doesn’t typically have any raccoons. It also doesn’t have any skunks, foxes or coyotes, although there are plenty of deer, rabbits and other, smaller rodents.

Wait, there’s no raccoons, skunks, foxes or coyotes on Nantucket? This raccoon must be living the high life. He’s the 1% of raccoons. Imagine having the pick of the litter over there if you’re a tiny mammal? Rocky Raccoon probably went through John Kerry’s trash last night and had some filet mignon and a glass of 2003 Lafite. Today he’s probably out on Belichick’s boat rocking some Nantucket Reds, and a pair of Ray Ban’s.

What a raccoon life. He’ll probably go to the Chicken Box tonight and pull a dime off the dance floor. The Nantucket Raccoon, doing things mainland raccoons only see in the movies. Friggin’ guy even set up a Twitter account already. Only in America.

thanks to Stephanie Viva for the tip

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