P Town PD FB – The quick thinking of one of our shop owners helped police nap a super shoplifter!

On Thursday, police were called when a shop owner reporting 5 small canvas bags stolen from her gallery.
The shop owner provided a description of the two female suspects and alerted other shop owners.

Later that same day, another shop owner spotted the women as they entered a different shop downtown.
They were encountered outside their hotel room where police officers recovered $1430 worth of merchandise taken from 5 additional local businesses.

Arrested by police were Girl Face, age 34 from Randolph, MA and Dude Girl, age 33 from Randolph, MA.
Both women were arrested and charged with Larceny of Property over $250.

Nice try Thelma and LaWeezy, but you’ve got to wake up pretty damn early (and not in Randolph) to get away with a shoplifting spree in Provincetown. If you two delicate flowers were hoping to blend into a seaside village you probably would have been better off in New Bedford.

What’s the end game here anyway ladies? Are we planning on opening up an overpriced tourist trap shop selling Cape Cod crap to all the preppies in Randolph? You probably would have been better off hitting the clearance aisle at Dick’s Sporting Goods. I’m fairly sure you’d have a much easier time moving Under Armour sweatpants and Starter Jackets when you got home.

Call me crazy, but I just don’t see Black Dog bags flying off the shelves in the black markets of Randolph. Get to know your target demographic will ya?

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

WCVB – The name doesn’t exactly slip off your tongue. In Latin it’s Gonionemus Vertens.

But even the researchers at the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institute call the little jellyfish “the clinger” because it sticks and stings.

The jelly is being found in ponds and bays in Cape Cod and on Martha’s Vineyard.

On Thursday, a family swimming off a dock in Falmouth was surrounded by “thousands” of them.

Michelle Langone, a 17-year-old visitor from Florida, was taken to the hospital with respiratory and paralysis issues after being stung repeatedly.

Uh, oh. Nobody wants to have to deal with a “clinger” over summer vacation. Listen Gonionemus, can I call you Joey? Good. Listen Joey, summer is a time of freedom. 17 year old Michelle didn’t come up here from Florida to get “stuck” to you and nobody else did either.

Do us a favor and keep swimming will ya? No more “sticking and stinging”. We don’t want to be friends on Facebook, and we definitely don’t want to exchange numbers. Nothing is worse than not getting the hint that you’ve worn out your welcome. Sorry bud, summer vacation is supposed to be care free and casual, ain’t nobody got time for a clinger.

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CC – The two men who allegedly tried to abduct a Falmouth teen this week will be held until a dangerousness hearing on July 1.

Dennis Bartlett, 61, and Bruce Bartlett, 60, pleaded not guilty Thursday in Falmouth District Court to charges of enticing a child under 16, attempting to commit a crime and conspiracy.

A middle school girl reported that two men approached her while she was at a bus stop Wednesday morning in East Falmouth.

According to police, the girl said the men tried to entice her to get into a white van.

A “dangerousness hearing” for the squirrel brothers huh? Maybe when they’re done, they can launch an investigation into whether or not bears shit in the woods to end that debate once and for all as well?

I’ve got news for everyone, the Squirrel Brothers are dangerous. Even if this is mistaken identity and they didn’t do this particular crime, they are the Squirrel Brothers. They would stab you in the eye and steal the food out of your bird feeder if given the chance. Why do you think they are called the Squirrel Brothers?*

We need to implement a “no shit, just look at them” clause at these “dangerousness hearings”. That way even if they don’t have definite proof of dangerousness, but the entire town knows they are an inch away from stealing people’s kidneys, when the prosecution says they want them held without bail because they are a threat to society, the judge can just say… “no shit, just look at them”, bang his gavel, and send them to Sing Sing until their trial.

* I have no idea if that’s really why they call them the Squirrel Brothers but it sounded good.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

We’ve got some big things happening this weekend on Cape Cod, so get up, get moving, and support live music on your peninsula.

For all you Upper Cape cats Will Dailey is at The Beach House. Will has been voted best of everything by everyone like 873 years in a row, and deservedly so. Better off Dead is playing some acoustic hippie music beforehand, so go early, grab a bite to eat, and get yourself primed up. Will goes on at 10, if you haven’t heard his stuff, here’s a little taste…

Are you further down the Cape and don’t feel like running the gauntlet? Well no problemo, you’ll just have to go to the biggest reggae show Cape Cod will see all summer. Our pals over at One Drop Live are hosting The Royal Family of Reggae Morgan Heritage tonight at Pufferbellies with Jemere Morgan, High Hopes band and more. What more could you need than a personal invite?

So there ya go, a great night of music is all laid out on a silver platter for you. No excuses. Get out there and get weird.

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CapeCodTimes.com – A 54-year-old Falmouth man pleaded not guilty Monday to a charge of indecent exposure after allegedly being aroused and refusing to pull up his pants before a hernia exam.

David Husband, a 54-year-old Level 3 sex offender, allegedly made an appointment at the Carewell Urgent Care in Patriot Square in Dennis for a hernia exam on June 6, according to court documents.

When a nurse entered the exam room, Husband dropped his pants and asked to be checked for a hernia, according to a report from Dennis Police Officer Jared Stobie. The nurse said that Husband appeared aroused and refused to pull his pants up for the nurse, who explained the hernia exam did not require them to be down, Stobie wrote.

Husband also allegedly refused to pull his pants up at the request of a second nurse, who also noted that he appeared aroused. After one of the nurses performed the exam and Husband left, the nurses discovered his sex offender status on the Internet and contacted Dennis police, Stobie wrote.

Ah the old sex offender goes to the doctor, drops trow before anyone asks him to, gets a woody and refuses to put his pants back on story. If you’ve heard it once you’ve heard it a thousand times. What’s the deal with all these pervs roaming around here lately? Is it just me or does it seem like the Cape is crawling with them these days?

At least this dude got creative, but you gotta know your limits. I mean if you’re a creepy perv you have to know you’re gonna get aroused once your pants drop and the nurse comes in the room right? Faking a hernia exam to get your nuts fondled sounds like a good idea in principal, but it’s pretty much game over once you pop a boner. I’m just guessing here, but I’m pretty sure most nurses start cross checking your patient file with the sex offender registry as soon as you get past half mast.

Looks like it’s time to add another level to the sex offender registry, because all these level 3’s running around seem to be outdoing themselves every other week.

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Boston – Masshole has officially been added to the Oxford English Dictionary, though it’s been in the lexicon of the Bay State’s neighbors for years.

From Masshole’s now-official dictionary entry:

Masshole, n.

A term of contempt for: a native or inhabitant of the state of Massachusetts.

Language: U.S. coarse slang.

Etymology: Blend of the name of the U.S. state of Massachusetts and asshole

What a country! Isn’t it hilarious that the official definition of Masshole calls it a “term of contempt”? It goes to show just how Massholey Massholes are. People from other states think the term is an insult but we wear it like a badge of honor.

We are a special breed us Massholes. We are, in fact, such assholes that we actually take pride in the fact that people think we are assholes. It’s probably why so many great comedians come from Massachusetts. Bill Burr, Louis C.K., Conan O’Brien, Joe Rogan etc. etc.

The Masshole phenomenon is what makes this site so popular as well. Making fun of each other and not taking shit seriously is ingrained in our psyche at a very young age in Massachusetts. We always say that you know you have true friends when they rag on you all the time. It’s when people start being nice to you that you need to start worrying.

Massholes for life.

thanks to Austin Bates for the tip

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CapeCodTimes.com – A summer job once prized as glamorous and lucrative appears to have lost its allure, based on the difficulty many Cape communities are having this year securing enough lifeguards to keep the region’s swimmers safe.

Beachgoers can expect to find lifeguards on fewer sandy stretches and for fewer hours. “Swim at Your Own Risk” and “No Lifeguard on Duty” signs are likely to sprout up in many more locations.

“This is the worst year in recent memory,” Yarmouth’s longtime recreation director, Patricia Armstrong, said. “We need 53 lifeguards, and we have just under 30.”

Yarmouth staffs seven public beaches with lifeguards. That number will likely plummet to four this season.
Armstrong will make recommendations on where the guards should be posted but let the selectmen ultimately decide.

Sandwich Recreation Director Guy Boucher faces a similar dilemma. “We generally hire 14, and we currently have seven,” Boucher said. Boucher said it is likely only two of the town’s three beaches will be staffed.

This comes as no surprise. It’s really a microcosm of a much bigger problem on the Cape. We aren’t just facing a lifeguard shortage around here, Cape Cod is facing a young people shortage. We can thank the Fun Police for that. Everyone thinks we rail against the Fun Police because we just want Cape Cod to be one big party, but there’s a much bigger factor at stake. Lose the fun, you lose the young. Lose the young and you lose the engine that drives Cape Cod’s economy.

Hopefully one of these retirement homes that are popping up all over the place will install a “fountain of youth” pool like they had in that movie Cocoon. Maybe then we can get Don Ameche and Wilford Brimley lifeguard certified and we won’t need to put up “swim at your own risk” signs at half of the beaches on Cape Cod. It’s pretty much our only hope at this point because it’s only a matter of time before there’s gonna be so many zombified blue hairs moping around on this peninsula that the Cape will look like the set of The Walking Dead.

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