BARNSTABLE — Barnstable has received a state grant of nearly $10,000 to help cut down on underage drinking. The grant, awarded by the Massachusetts Executive Office of Public Safety, specifically targets summer visitors who are underage, but may nevertheless attempt to purchase alcohol at bars or liquor stores while vacationing in Barnstable.

Of course this grant “specifically targets summer visitors who are underage”. That’s because there is no way you could possibly stop kids that actually grow up on Cape Cod from drinking when they are underage.

Underage drinking on Cape Cod is an institution, it’s like football in Texas or hockey in Canada. It’s a way of life for kids here.

It’s not necessarily a bad thing either. Cape Cod kids get to college and they can already handle their booze. Freshmen kids from other Mass. towns are blacking out and getting dicks drawn on their forehead every night because they’ve drank twice in their life. Meanwhile, Freshmen from The Cape are finishing those assholes 30 packs, banging their girlfriends, getting breakfast and then going to class. No big deal, been doing it for years already.

So I guess Cape Cod is so famous that when they try to stop underage drinking, they only target people who didn’t grow up here. They don’t even try to stop us anymore.

Residents in Barnstable are among the happiest and healthiest in America, according to a Business Insider analysis of Gallup’s annual well being index. Barnstable landed in the sixth spot this year, and I think we know why.

Let’s look at another article about Red Raiderville shall we…

Barnstable among America’s ten booziest towns

The U.S. Census Bureau says there are 19,355 “incorporated places” in the United States.  That makes it hard for any of the relatively small towns on Cape Cod to make any “top ten”  list. But Barnstable just made the list for being the one of the “Ten Booziest Cities in America” according to a U.S. News and World report.

We’ve also learned from recent posts here at The Real Cape that there is an average of 20K worth of cocaine and heroin in Barnstable hotels at any given time. We know from this article that there is plenty of weed to be had. You can even buy Bath Salts at convenience stores.

Who in their right mind wouldn’t be happy in a place like that? It’s a virtual paradise of  booze and drugs. Throw in a Wendy’s that’s open until 1 a.m. and you have an absolute Utopia! Barnstable just won The Cape.

Buzzfeed recently posted a list of “24 Signs You Spent Summers On Cape Cod” and it is obvious that the author wouldn’t know a cranberry from a dingleberry. So we decided to update it to “24 Signs You Spend Winters On Cape Cod” Real Cape style.

We will take this number by number first showing their ridiculous signs some squid spent a summer here and countering with our signs of having spent winters on The Cape.

Buzzfeed nonsense:

1. You’ve had family arguments about which bridge to take.

The Real Cape:

1. You’ve had family arguments about which bridge you’re gonna throw your brother or sister off.

Buzzfeed nonsense:

2. Who needs Google Maps, when you can use your own arm as a map of the Cape?

The Real Cape:

2. Who needs Google Maps? We have GPS this isn’t Siberia.

Buzzfeed nonsense:

3. When you first get to the beach, you can’t help doing this.

The Real Cape:

3. When you first get to the beach, you can’t help doing this.

Buzzfeed nonsense:

4. You understand the concept of low tide on a visceral level.

The Real Cape:

4. You understand the concept of low tide on a fragrant level because it smells like shit.

Buzzfeed’s nonsense:

5. When photographers talk about that magic Cape Cod light, you feel like they have a direct line to your soul.

The Real Cape:

5. When you see that magic Cape Cod light, you feel like maybe it’s time to stop drinking and go to bed.

Buzzfeed nonsense:

6. Cape Cod Potato Chips somehow taste even better in their natural habitat.

The Real Cape:

6. Cape Cod Potato Chips are best smushed up into a Tuna or Chicken Salad sandwich on potato bread.

Buzzfeed nonsene:

7. You’ve seen actual cranberries in the wild.

The Real Cape:

7. You’ve chased a hockey puck a half mile down a frozen Bog because you were the one who shot it through the goal made of two sneakers.

Buzzfeed nonsense:

8. You’ve learned all the unwritten rules of mini golf.

The Real Cape:

8. You’ve drunkenly Happy Gilmore’d a ball off a rock and hit a fat New Yorker right in the fanny pack playing mini golf.

Buzzfeed nonsense:

9. You feel sorry for anyone who has never experienced fried clams.

The Real Cape:

9. You feel sorry for any sucker who has ever paid $28 for fried clams shipped in frozen from Florida at a tourist trap with “Shack” in its name.

P.S. No you don’t

Buzzfeed nonsense:

10. You don’t think summer is complete if you don’t break out the lobster bib.

The Real Cape:

10. You don’t need a bib because you aren’t 3 and you crack your lobster with channel lock pliers.

Buzzfeed nonsense:

11. You’ve had a meaningful friendship with a hermit crab.

The Real Cape:

11. You’ve had a meaningless winter relationship with a sea hag that left you with crabs.

Buzzfeed nonsense:

12. You’re pretty sure there’s a law that you must go swimming at least once a day.

The Real Cape:

12. Laws only apply to tourists “Screw you, I’m from here”.

Buzzfeed nonsense:

13. You know that Provincetown was embracing same sex marriage since before it was cool.

The Real Cape:

13. You drove to P-Town to buy your first metal weed pipe at Shop Therapy.

Buzzfeed nonsense:

14. When you go whale watching, there will be whales.

14. When you go whale watching you are 9, and you never go again.

Buzzfeed nonsense:

15. You can tell people you’ve biked the most beautiful bike path on earth.

The Real Cape:

15. You’ve stumbled home drunk on the most beautiful bike path on earth.

Buzzfeed nonsense:

16. You have a very positive association with the word “shingles.”

The Real Cape:

16. You’ve laughed at tourists who bought pink “Cape Cod” sweatshirts for $60 in that building while they were waiting for the Ferry.

Buzzfeed nonsense:

17. You got to see all the best players in the majors when they were still in college…

The Real Cape:

17. You’ve lied to a girl at a bar by telling her you play left field for Cotuit and that you were drafted by the Pirates in the 3rd round of the MLB draft.

Buzzfeed nonsense:

18. This is what you think bowling is.

The Real Cape:

18. This is what you think bowling is.

Buzzfeed nonsense:

19. You’re grateful that drive-in movies are still a thing.

The Real Cape:

19. There’s one, and it’s in Wellfleet, it’s far from “a thing”.

Buzzfeed nonsense:

20. You can understand why someone might feel compelled to do this:

The Real Cape:

20. Suck on this Buzzfeed:

Ok I know I said there were 24 but we are stopping at 20, mostly because we are lazy but also because the rest of them are so idiotic we would rather not subject you to them.

So many Cape Cod publications do these daily “Things to do today on Cape Cod” posts that generally include activities that would be quite enjoyable to complete squids and people over 60, so we decided to compose a more realistic guide for the rest of us.

First here are some lovely little suggestions from some other publications:

· Square dancing, 7 p.m. Tuesday, Dennis Senior Center, 1045 Route 134. Followed by round dancing and plus-level square dancing. No experience necessary. $3. 508-237-3057.

· “Fraud and Scams – Beware,” 3 p.m. Tuesday, Craine Room, Snow Library, 67 Main St., Orleans. Sponsored by Orleans Citizens Forum, presented by Detective Lt. Kevin Higgins of Orleans Police Department. FREE!

· Wednesday Walks with Connie Boyce, 3-4 miles, leaves 9 a.m. from Cape Cod Museum of Natural History, 869 Main St. (Route 6A), Brewster. Walk at Pilgrim Springs, Truro. $6. Heavy rain cancels. 508-394-2683.

· Science story time, 11:15 a.m. Wednesday, Brooks Free Library, 739 Main St., Harwich. Preschoolers and young children explore STEM (science, technology, engineering, mathematics) concepts.[email protected]. 508-430-7562. FREE!

· Talk by former secret agent Norman Katz on the JFK assassination, 2:30 p.m. Wednesday, EPOCH Assisted Living at Brewster Place, 855 Harwich Road. In recognition of 50th anniversary of John F. Kennedy’s death. 508-896-3252.

While I’m sure all of the above activities would be great fun if you did them Gonzo style with a bottle of whiskey, a head full of acid and a good supply of bath salts, unfortunately acid is hard to come by on a November Wednesday on Cape Cod and our local bath salt dealer is out of business.

So here is a more realistic list of things to do on a November Wednesday on Cape Cod.

1. Start drinking as soon as you wake up. Track down one of your laid off landscaper or restaurant friends to go to the local watering hole with you. Play keno until you are so broke that you have to leave an 8% tip to the bartender. Stumble out of the bar at 3 p.m. and say “holy shit it’s still light out”. Then go home, eat a bowl of cereal and pass out by 5.

2. Couch, sweatpants, hoodie and porn.

3. Work until 4 p.m. and then go straight to the bar for  a quick bite to eat with a co worker. End up chatting with a few kind of cute members of the opposite sex. convince yourself that you are going to get lucky and spend way too much time (and money) there. After four hours of kicking game and playing darts (a binding contract for sex in your drunken mind) they abruptly leave. You and your friend spend another hour in shock talking about how much they wanted you, and frantically scrolling through your contacts and Facebook friends list to keep hope alive.

4. Smoke 8 bowls, go play frisbee golf, do 6 bong rips, go to McDonalds, watch Discovery channel and wake up fully dressed sitting up on your couch at 3 a.m. covered in Gummi Bears.

5. Jail

6. Go out to hear a fairly decent band, have a great time, and meet someone that you are actually compatible with. Bring them back to your place end up passing out half naked on top of them and pissing the bed because you drank 8 gallons of whiskey. Wake up wet and alone at 2:30 a.m. and say fuck it, immediately crack a beer and start scrolling the friend list to see who’s awake.

7. Go to a nice restaurant, eat some delicious food and drink some fancy drinks. Feel all metro, stare at the bill in disbelief, spend half your paycheck and then go to the chinese restaurant for scorpion bowls and apps because you are still starving. As happens in all Chinese restaurants you see the coke dealer you went to high school with and end up cleaning your house and telling your friends how much you love them until 7 a.m.

8. Go to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath & Beyond. I don’t know, only if you have time.

Full Story Here – TRURO – Not surprisingly, homecoming is a big deal at Nauset Regional High School.

The annual dance that caps the week of festivities is typically one of the biggest events of the school year. But not this year.

While the school hosted its traditional formal on Saturday, most of the senior class turned out for a different, unsanctioned dance down the road.

You could call it something of a protest dance, but to Nauset senior Chris Wingard, who organized the event, it was a way to reclaim a rite of passage that had been chipped away at by school authorities.

“It all started last year when most of the students left after an hour and a half because it was really a pretty miserable time for them,” said Wingard, who is Nauset’s senior class vice president and a member of the student council.

The fun was diminished by lights turned on high and chaperones constantly pulling apart couples dancing closely or “grinding” on the dance floor, he said.

The suddenly heightened restrictions led to a general malaise about the event, he said.

“No one was really excited about going this year,” said Wingard. “They didn’t want to go back.”

So instead, Wingard decided to put together an alternative dance for his classmates. He secured the ballroom at the Four Points Sheraton in Eastham, booked a DJ, and got nine adults and an off-duty police officer to chaperone the event.

He called it The Miles Tibbetts Memorial Dance in honor of a Nauset student and friend who was struck and killed by a car on Aug. 17 while crossing Route 6 in Wellfleet.

Wingard sold more than 200 tickets at $15 dollars each, enough to cover the costs of the event and establish a $1,000 scholarship fund in Tibbett’s name.

He estimated that more than 150 of Nauset’s 250 seniors purchased tickets to the dance.

But the event wasn’t without a toll of controversy.

“There’s been a pretty strong backlash against it. It’s been extremely difficult for me honestly,” Wingard said.

Wingard faced pressures from school officials to cancel the event and brushback from teachers who disagreed with the intention of the dance.

“They made it out to be some some drug-fueled orgy, which is pretty far from the case,” Wingard said.

Some advisors wanted Wingard removed from his post as senior class vice president and to be taken off the student council, he said.

Oh what’s that Nauset High? You don’t want to let the kids bump and grind at the Homecoming dance? That’s cool, Chris Wingard will just host a private twerkfest right in your face on the same night. You have to respect this move by Chris, not many kids have the cojoñes to take on their school and he just went balls deep in the entire Nauset High faculty.

How can any educator with half a brain be mad at this kid? He saw a situation where the majority did not like what was happening and he changed it to fit the will of the people. It doesn’t get any more America than that folks. If we had more adults like him maybe we’d all be able to enjoy a drug fueled orgy every once in a while.