Whether you are a vacationing couple, a guy who picked up a summer girl, or just someone who’s trying to take a girl out as a slump buster, you will quickly realize that dating on Cape Cod in the summer can get really expensive.

As a life long Cape Codder and a baller on a budget, I have devised five highly successful Cape Cod dates that won’t break the bank. Along with some charm and charisma, not only will these dates save you from having to get a Brazzers account, they will also leave you enough money to take your friends out the next day to brag of your conquest.

1-Wellfleet drive-in

There is nothing more nostalgic than getting a HJ in your car at a drive-in. Cape Cod is one of the few places which still have this luxury. Plus, instead of having to stuff your pants with store bought candy to avoid the astronomical movie theater prices, you can pack a cooler and prepare to get busy like it’s 1955.

Cost-$18+food/drink

2- Hyannisport jetty

In between the Kennedy compound and the Hyannisport yacht club stretches a 3/4 mile public jetty. The rocks are slippery and it can be difficult at times so I would not recommend this if you or your date are either on the rotund side or paraplegic. All you need for this is a six pack of beer, a towel, and a backpack. Once you get to the end, lay the towel over the seagull shit (because you are a gentleman). I do not recommend anything more then a sixer to split though; even the most agile of humans would have trouble stumble-bumping over the rocks on the way back if they are too drunk. Also, make sure that you both have proper foot attire because nothing kills the mood like your date cutting her foot open on a stray barnacle.

Cost-$10

3-Floating

A floating date is ideal, not only for its inexpensive nature, but it also gives you a chance to see your date in a bathing suit. For 40 bucks you can go to a local Wings store and get a two person float with a built-in cooler in the middle. What is better than bikinis, beaches, and beverages?

Cost-$15

4-Cape league baseball game

With teams in almost every town, there’s a game almost every night of the summer. All games are free, so after you buy a couple hot dogs and some drinks you are off the hook financially. Nothing is going to put a girl in the mood more than a bunch of 20-something year old college students in baseball pants, swinging the wood. The downfall to this is that you can almost ensure that she won’t be thinking about you later on in the bedroom. But who cares, because if you actually believe your partner thinks about you on a regular basis whilst bumping uglies, then you are either extremely naive, vain or you need to get a better grasp on reality.

Cost-22$

5-Sandwich Boardwalk

Potentially the most romantic of these dates, the Sandwich boardwalk is the perfect setting for a sunset picnic. After you walk the board walk, set up a picnic with some light snacks and a cheap bottle of wine and I guarantee that the ocean will not be the only thing moist at the Sandwich boardwalk.

Cost-30$

Note: None of the prices include the cost of condoms.

editor’s note: Frank is 30, let that sink in for a second.

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

What may come as no surprise, not all people take my sense of humor with a grain of salt. Usually, I tell them to screw and continue to be myself. The brash and at times offensive tendencies do sometimes have consequences. Whether it is getting a drink thrown on me, a slap across the face, or even the occasional threat, I try to make the situation as amusing as possible. Those consequences are the classics though. In this day and age you can do so much more creative things to a potential foe.

I’m not sure if a scorned woman was giving my number out to potential tinder matches, or if my phone number ended up on Backpage or Craigslist in the casual encounter section, but I knew I must have really grinded someone’s gears when I received a few pictures of an over anxious young man who made the slight error of not confirming the identity of his dick pic target before hitting send.

Here is the first selfie sent to me with my response to start things off…

 

Then he decided to up the seduction ante by adding alcohol into the mix…

 

 

Which is when I decided it was time to reveal my identity…

 

He gone.

I still have no idea who I pissed off to the point where they decided to play gay Cupid with my contact info. If any of our Provincetown readers should happen to come across a Grindr profile of me, please let us know. Needless to say, my number has been changed.

P.S. This guy almost made the cut, but what can I say, I’m picky about bathroom accessories.

 

Editor’s note: We knew Frank Anthony was a loose cannon when we brought him on, but we had no idea to what extent. The fact that he is out there galavanting around with 4% battery left on his phone shows just how much of a lunatic he actually is. 

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Editor’s note: This came to us a while back and somehow never saw the light of day. Not sure why, Frank is hilarious. We’ve tried to get him on board as a regular contributor, but he’s kind of a prick, which you’d think would be a plus around here, not a deterrent. 

Unlike a lot of people around here, I had never traveled off-Cape to see what Whole Foods was all about. I assumed it was just somewhere I could go to pay $6 extra per pound for chicken so I could be guaranteed it had been coddled its whole life until its head was cut off with a golden axe. Now that it has been a while and the initial phase of it being packed like a gym in January has died down, I decided to see what it was all about.

I was not so much shocked by the fact that a tablespoon of almonds was $7.99 because that reputation had preceded it. What I was amazed by was the plethora of attractive females. I mean, let’s be serious. It’s on 132 and you are bound to get some hefty lost K-Mart shoppers, but for the most part, it was MILF city.

I wasn’t the only one who realized this either. Normally, a man will go shopping for one meal at a time, if he even gets that far, before just ordering a pizza. But these men had carts full of all types of food I had never heard of. They knew what it had taken me less than 15 minutes to figure out; Whole Foods is the best place on the Cape to pick up women.

I’m not saying you can’t go hang out on Main Street at 1 a.m. and find a girl with a broken heel and some vomit in her hair and convince her you’re Mark Wahlberg’s cousin. But that’s not what I’m talking about here. These women are not hammered drunk, they clearly have the income to be paying way too much for asparagus, and have some respect for the food that goes into their body.

This is an older crowd, so there is one main thing you need to look out for: Married women. Although the temptation is there, these woman are not getting the money from just anywhere and the last thing you wanna do is try pick up a cop’s wife, no matter how easy Whole Foods makes it. No problem, though! You can always easily see a wedding ring when a women is pushing a cart. So take a gander at the ring finger and if it’s clear, then good. If not, keep it moving to the organic toiletries isle.

Normally, women with these characteristics are the uptight pretentious women who would not give guys like me a shot in a bar. In fact, when I get close, they usually hand me their empty glasses thinking that I’m the bus boy. In Whole Foods, though, I’m just another guy who prefers tuna that’s not from a can.

Breaking the ice is simple. Ask them a question like “excuse me, do you know how to tell if an avocado is ripe?” You will actually sound genuine because (if you are a man) you do not know the answer. As long as you have some manners and a hint of charm, you can work the conversation from there. If not, go the next day and try again. The beauty of Whole Foods is that nobody ever shops there two days in a row.

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony