CL – Girls with a sense of humor needed!

compensation: $100

Here’s a question for you…what would you do for $100? I’m not asking for anything too crazy, but I will pay you $100 if you will come in and take 20 whipped cream/shaving cream pies in the face. That’s all you have to do. Put “pie me!” In the subject line of any emails you send, so I know you’re not a spambot, and include at least one good picture of your face and one good picture of your body as a whole

• do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers

$100 for 20 pies to the face? That’s five bucks a pie. I don’t know who this guy thinks he’s kidding but everyone knows that is way below market value. $5 a pie might get a couple of Detroit meth heads or something but this is Cape Cod bro. Just like gas and real estate are more expensive on this peninsula, so are chicks willing to meet up with a stranger from Craigslist and take 20 pies to the grill piece.

If this guy was a true Cape Codder he’d know that the easiest way to get girls to do this would be to tell them that he uses Centerville Pie Company pies. Ever since Oprah gushed about them in the hen house they’ve become more popular than Cabbage Patch Kids in the ’80’s. I’d be willing to bet if you sprung for Centerville Pie Co. pies you’d have women lining up around the block for banana creme necklaces.

P.S. Ladies, if you are crazy enough to actually do this, you might want to make him whip the cream in front of you, there’s a pretty good chance that his regular recipe isn’t exactly FDA approved (if you know what I mean).

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

We make a ton of jokes about the sharks on this site, but the reality is that Great Whites are incredible creatures. This video makes it easy to understand why people wouldn’t want to just let this shark die on the beach if it doesn’t have to.

P.S. That said, you still couldn’t pay me a million bucks to get within 50 feet of that death machine.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

USAT – A 7-foot great white shark became stranded on the beach in Chatham, Massachusetts Monday, drawing a crowd of beachgoers who helped keep the shark wet. According to WCVB, a witness said the shark was trying to eat a seagull but became stranded in the sand.

The shark was eventually returned to the water.

Not so tough now are you chump? Getting a little big for your britches thinking you can come up on land. It evens the playing field a little bit and is a wake up call when you realize that all those teeth don’t do you much good if you don’t have legs to get close enough to your prey to use them. Chalk one up for the humans on this one.

This just goes to show dumb people really are though. You don’t see sharks in the ocean giving people oxygen tanks to keep them alive and towing them back on to land. Rescuing a shark and getting him back into the ocean is like reloading a murderers gun and handing it back to him if he happens to miss with the first six shots. We might as well have cut to the chase and just fed him a couple of human limbs to keep him alive.

Hopefully someone at least had the wherewithal to whisper into his ear and let him know to tell all his friends what lies in store for them if they try to come into our house. Shit gets real on land when you don’t have any lungs or legs. You’re lucky a bunch of hippies got to you first pal, your buddies might not be so lucky if they try a stunt like this. Spread the word shark face, stay in your lane and know your limits or next time you might come across someone who will turn your dorsal fin into a bowl of soup to make an example out of you.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

 

CC – A vacationing family from Texas saved from a rip current at Surfside Beach on Nantucket is hoping to find the good Samaritan who helped pull them from the water.

The ordeal was captured on camera by Erynn Johns, 16, who was filming with her GoPro camera when she was swept out by the current.

Her father, Derrick, tried to save her, at times grabbing the “selfie stick” Erynn was using to pull her closer to shore, but Derrick was eventually carried out as well.

Lifeguards and a man in an orange swimsuit helped rescue the family, first helping Erynn to shore and then rescuing Derrick, who collapsed on the beach from exhaustion.

The Johns are hoping to find the unidentified man in the orange shorts to thank him.

Let this be a lesson to you kids out there. Never, under any circumstances, should you even think about the possibility of using a selfie stick, it’s just not worth the humiliation and shame.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

CCT – Siding with the prosecution’s argument that the release of Bruce and Dennis Bartlett would jeopardize the “safety of the public, specifically children,” Judge Michael Creedon ruled at a dangerousness hearing Wednesday that the two brothers should remain held without bail on charges they attempted to abduct a 13-year-old at a bus stop last month.

Creedon cited past allegations that the Bartletts accosted women and children in Falmouth as a factor that “creates a real problem for the court.” And, he noted the recent spate of reported abduction attempts on Cape Cod.

“You’ve got these problems all over Cape Cod now that are showing up. … They’re a real problem for some reason now,” Creedon said about other reported abduction attempts in Cotuit, Eastham and Dennis.

The Bartletts’ defense attorneys said the two brothers would agree to wear GPS devices and stay away from areas known to draw children, such as playgrounds, as conditions for their release. Those conditions would be “difficult” in the busy summer months, Creedon said.

“If this were December, I probably would have considered the GPS system as you indicated,” he said. “But during the summer, we have tourists all over here.”

Hold up, did this judge just say what I think he said? He did right? He said that if this were December, when there are only townies around, he would have let the Squirrel Brothers out of jail, but they are far too dangerous to let out now when there are precious tourists here. Isn’t it comforting to know that Judge Creedon would be perfectly willing to risk the safety of year round residents and their children, but isn’t going to take any chances when there’s tourists around?

I guess it could be a compliment? Maybe he’s saying that our kids are tough enough to mingle with the likes of the Squirrels but summer kids are soft? Nah, I’m pretty sure he’s saying we can’t have scumbags roaming the streets scaring all the rich folk, but he’d have no problem giving them the keys to the peninsula when there’s just us year round folks here to terrorize.

Judge Creedon obviously thinks tourists are somehow more important than year round residents. What he obviously doesn’t realize is that #townielivesmatter.

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ACK – After seven hours in the water and more than 10 miles Tuesday, Jim Bayles’ attempted swim from Martha’s Vineyard to Nantucket ended 3.7 miles from Eel Point when the 63-year-old Newtown, Conn. man ran out of energy.

He left Chappaquiddick Island at 8:30 a.m. this morning and at noon was about one to two miles from Muskeget, said Marty Morse, who is operating the safety boat that is trailing Bayles on the swim. A patch of fog had just rolled in, so they were navigating by GPS instead of by landmarks.

By about 3 p.m. Bayles was swimming into the wind, which was sapping his strength, and around 3:30 he decided to give up his attempt.

Oh man, so close! If it weren’t for those pesky little details like fog, wind, strength and stamina he would have had it easily.

Seriously though, let’s put aside the fact that he didn’t factor in the possibility of fog and wind… ON AN OCEAN. Don’t you think that maybe, just maybe, if you are going to swim from Martha’s Vineyard to Nantucket you would make sure that you… you know… can swim that far?

Running out of energy is just not a good enough excuse for me to not make fun of someone like this. Test yourself out in a pool first, maybe even have someone point a fan at you to simulate the wind that is known to kick up in the Atlantic every now and again.

Get bit by a shark, stung by a jellyfish, swimmer’s ear, anything. Literally anything is a better reason for quitting than “I got tired”. Getting tired is legit the ONE thing you are actually in control of. This dude should have to pay those charities out of pocket. Shit, he should have to pay me and all of you for wasting our time writing and reading about his tired ass.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Oh yeah, summer is in full swing now. I don’t know about you but I can’t think of a better way to spend this weekend than being on the grass, in a park, in Oak Bluffs, listening to the likes of Will Dailey, Ryan Montbleau, The Parkington Sisters, Crooked Coast and many, many more.

Remember, re-entry is permitted so if you want to go take a swim, grab some whiskey at The Ritz or a Dirty Banana at Donovan’s you are more than welcome to. Basically, this is like combining a day in Oak Bluffs with a music festival. Go ahead and try to go wrong with that combo, it’s simply not possible.

For those of you on the main land, there’s nothing better than starting the party on the boat over and keeping it going on the boat back, so get on your horse, get over there and get festy.

For more info and a complete list of acts: CLICK HERE

For tickets: CLICK HERE

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony