Amazon – “…love, loss, lies, grief, finding happiness in the face of adversity, romance, humor, bravery, hot hot hot sex scenes, marriages, births and totally awesome characters.”

Tony Black is the hottest surfer on the planet. He travels the world throughout the year and spends his summers on Cape Cod with his friends, at the Seaside cottages in Wellfleet, Massachusetts. He’s got his choice of women, but Amy Maples is the one he wants. Fourteen years ago she was his for an entire summer, until a devastating accident changed everything, and what they had seemed like it had never existed–at least for her.

At first I was a little mad that these books focus on summer people, but I guess that kind of makes sense if you think about it. Tourists are probably all turned on by the sound of the ocean and the feel of the sand between their toes and have crazy romances and vacation sex. Cape natives aren’t fazed by any of that stuff anymore, it’s old hat.

The romance and “hot, hot, hot sex scenes” in the winter on Cape Cod version would probably consist of some couple in matching Patriots hoodies getting buzzed up on some Bud lights and Fireball over a few rounds of Keno and a $5 bar pizza. Then home by 7 pm for eight seconds of whiskey sex and ending up passed out with their shoes still on. Not exactly Fabio on the cover type shit going on around here in January.

So yeah, just this once we’ll agree it’s probably better to have these focus on summer people.

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CapeCodOnline.com – For the past month, sea clam vessels have been dredging thousands of shellfish from a 2-square-foot mile area off Herring Cove Beach.

The Provincetown Conservation Commission ratified enforcement orders against four vessels Tuesday, mandating that the boat captains cease and desist from fishing up to 40 feet offshore, which is within the town’s jurisdiction. The fishermen have also been ordered to submit plans to repair the area they are accused of damaging. These plans must be approved by the Conservation Commission, said Dennis Minsky, commission chairman.

But as of Wednesday morning, at least one of the boats, the 70-foot Tom Slaughter, of Gloucester, was out there again dredging clams, McKinsey said.

The fishermen don’t have to obey the local regulation because the state Division of Marine Fisheries, which has jurisdiction over fishing, allows it, said Monte Rome, owner of the Tom Slaughter.

“Provincetown has no authority,” he said. “The enforcement orders are paper tigers. There is nothing to them.”

Oh snap! Don’t forget to tip your waiter P-Town, because your ass just got served! Monte Rome coming out swinging against the conservation committee and tossing origami tigers right in their face. I haven’t read about a middle finger going up towards a Cape town like this since Marc Finneran hung that “town hall needs an enema” sign on the front of his house. This is such an absolute and total disregard for authority that I am inclined to love it just on principal. This amount of douchiness commands respect.

P.S. The real story here was just glossed right over though, what is this all about?

A 2006 state survey of the ocean floor didn’t find eelgrass but it did find a curiously large number of porcelain toilet bowls in that area, according to Diodati’s letter.

Um… hello? Can we elaborate on this a little? You can’t just casually mention curiously large numbers of toilets on the sea floor in one random sentence and leave it at that. Someone call James Cameron and send out Alvin, we may have just stumbled upon the ancient lost city of Poopopolis.

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Boston.com – This fall, NStar customers were warned that they could see a 29 percent increase to their electricity bills come January.

If you use the utility, your electricity nightmare might be coming true.

The Massachusetts Department of Public Utilities approved NStar’s request, so if you’re one of their 1 million or so customers in the metro Boston and Cape Cod region, you could be in for a shock when you see your next bill.

29%. Good lord. I feel like I just spent a weekend in Vegas with Bill Cosby.

 

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CapeCod.com –  Jonathan Way of Osterville was jogging with his dog off Mary Dunn Road near the back of the Barnstable Municipal Airport when he was struck by two shots fired by Sean Houle, 47.

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CapeCod.com – It was several years ago that coyote expert Jonathan Way of Osterville discovered that the local coyote seen on Cape Cod is really a hybrid between western coyotes and wolves.

Way is among those who have signed on to an effort to try to stop the hunting of coyotes…

Hold up a second. Jonathan Way, the dude who was shot by a hunter a few weeks ago, is an anti hunting activist? Like to the point where he believes that hunting is the reason he has been blocked from doing the research he wants to do? How has this not been brought up in any of the articles about the hunting accident or any of the articles about his research being blocked? Those two articles up there are from the same website just weeks apart.

Look I’m not saying that he got himself shot intentionally, nor am I saying that the hunter shot him because of who he is. What I am saying is that he most likely knew he was in a hunting area right? He also has a ton to gain if hunting is outlawed on Cape Cod. I’m also saying that hunters would have a good reason to hate this guy. I don’t know the answers to these questions, but why hasn’t anyone asked them?

I mean listen to this interview below. After this dude rails against hunting and blames it for his research being blocked, the interviewer asks him one question at the 13 minute mark about his recovery after being shot by a hunter and that’s it. Not one mention about it being quite a coincidence that he was involved in an accident that led people to suggest hunting should be banned on Cape Cod, which would pave the way for his research. On the other hand there was also not one question about if he thought he was targeted. Unreal.

Look, we are bloggers, not journalists, so I apologize for just asking a bunch of questions with no answers, but I’m pretty sure some real reporters read this website, so can one of you get on this please?

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CapeNews.net – The majority of this overage lies in the $245,000 the district is seeking to provide full-day kindergarten at no cost to parents.

Travis Andrade, chairman of Sandwich School Committee, was especially fervent about making the case for free full-day kindergarten. He said Sandwich and Bourne are the only towns on the Cape and islands that do not entirely cover the cost of a full day of kindergarten. Mr. Andrade contended that full-day kindergarten is vital to successful child development. He also said that it is vital to a town’s economic development as it is a big factor for young families when deciding where they will raise their children.

So I was just reading this article about town budgets and when I got to that last paragraph I did a double take. What the hell kind of town charges people for kindergarten? What are we paying taxes for at this point? I hate to be one of those “in my day” type of people but this is getting ridiculous. Charging for kindergarten is right up there with when they decided to stop filtering our water and make us start buying it in bottles.

Hey Sandwich and Bourne, everyone has already paid Kindergarten tuition, we call it “taxes”. Get your shit together, kindergarten shouldn’t be an “overage”. Put that shit in the budget and figure it out. What’s next, security deposits and long term leases for students to rent desks at school?

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Patch.com – An East Falmouth woman accused by a Stop & Shop manager of habitually shoplifting food and huffing gas from whipped-cream cans was arrested Jan. 5 after allegedly hurling one of the cans at the grocery store manager when he tried to stop her

You know how there are some things in life that fall under that “if someone steals this then god bless them, they obviously need it more than me” category? Well if you are at a point in your life where you are suckling on the teet of a whipped cream can in aisle 9 of a Stop and Shop then god bless you. You need it more than me.

The big question is what was the manager of Stop and Shop thinking trying to stop her by himself? If you happen to come across a gal playing Reddi Whip cans like saxophones in the middle of your store, what part of that scenario leads you to believe that she will listen to reason? Just keep your distance and call the cops, shit call the National Guard. Either that or you might as well just start throwing whipped cream cans at your own head, because we all know that is the ONLY way this scene ends if you try to be a hero.

P.S. wawawawawawawawawawaw (you know what I’m talking about)

originally published january 2014

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I always wondered what the center of the universe looked like from… well, from somewhere other than the center of the universe.

Photo credit to some Russian astronaut from some site you cant read anyway.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony