CapeCodOnline.com – Police say they know who stole more than $40,000 in oysters and equipment from beds in East Dennis and Barnstable last summer, but they’re not quite ready to publicly name the culprit.

Barnstable police Lt. Sean Balcom, who heads the Barnstable Street Crime Unit, called the anticipated end of the five-month investigation by multiple public safety agencies “the result of police work and the rewards” that were offered.

The street crime unit was tipped to the identity of the poacher by one of its informants, Balcom said.

Rewards totaling $2,000 are being offered to the tipster if the guilty party is caught.

“We’ve definitely identified somebody,” Balcom said Monday. “We caught him red-handed and anticipate charging him in the next couple weeks.

“Where he sold the oysters is going to come as a pretty big surprise.”

I’ve said before that it is certainly not my place to tell the police how to do their jobs, but isn’t it a bit strange to alert the press that you caught a thief and you “anticipate charging him in the next couple weeks”? Doesn’t that kind of take away the element of surprise when you decide to arrest him? I get it, it’s exciting news, but we can wait until it actually happens to find out. Haven’t the Barnstable Police ever heard of the concept of jinxing?

If I’m the Dennis Oyster thief I’m halfway to Mexico right now to start a new life as The Acapulco Agave thief. Take my oyster money and parlay it into a new life south of the border. I mean there’s no way this guy sticks around right? What life does a man have to look forward to on Cape Cod once he is branded a shellfish kleptomaniac? That is the Scarlet Letter of Cape Cod, they’ll probably carve a big O into his chest.

P.S. How about the Police teasing us with that mystery cliffhanger line “Where he sold the oysters is going to come as a big surprise”. I’m literally not going to be able to sleep until I find out. What could it possibly be? My bet is he sold them in the parking lot of Cuddles and Bubbles to couples looking for a cheap aphrodisiac.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

 

Yesterday, at approximately 6 p.m. The Cape Cod Garbage Man ended his own Twitter life. He is at peace now. At this time his Twitter followers ask that you press play and listen to the above song while you read today’s ceremony.

The Twitter life is a tough life, an unforgiving life and unfortunately The Cape Cod Garbage Man wasn’t cut our for it. It turns out the limelight was no place for such a gentle Twitterer. Apparently he was concerned about his image and in the end he took his own Twitter life. Public life just isn’t for everyone I guess. The Cape Cod Garbage Man lived a good Twitter life and although it was short he left us with the gift of laughter.

Let us all bow our heads and pray.

Our Garbage man, Who art in Heaven,
Hallowed be thy name
Thy garbage come
Thy trash get done, on earth as it is in Heaven

Give us this day our weekly trash pick up
Unless of course it is a Holiday
And then it is the day after our normal day
And lead us not to the dump
But to SeaMass to recycle. Amen.

Let us now observe a moment of silence…
.
.
.
…The Twitter followers would like to thank you all for coming. Until we Tweet again Cape Cod Garbage Man, until we Tweet again.

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Craigslist.org – You where running and walking for a long time u looked at me every time you pass buy me !!!!

Aw c’mon man! Look we all know it’s hard to get dates on Cape Cod in the middle of the winter but really? How delusional do you have to be to think that the pregnant lady that passes by you is giving you the fuck me eyes? Bro she was probably looking at you weird because she was asking herself what kind of psychopath checks out pregnant ladies.

On the other hand though it is late January in Hy-Town. The pickings are slim and sometimes you gotta roll the dice I guess. At least you know she puts out right? And think of all the money you’ll save on Plan B. Hey, maybe this guy isn’t so dumb after all?

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

CapeCodToday.com – It’s No Guff Week in Falmouth this week. That means a veritable kibosh on trash talk, antagonistic texts and bullying. Instead, it is a week of reflection, kindness and respect throughout the Upper Cape town.

It also spread through the rest of the schools in town and into the community at large. Today, No Guff Week is celebrated by all members of the Falmouth community, young and old in the schools, businesses, churches and the town government.

ALL members of the Falmouth community? Well I guess we can expect some low traffic numbers from Falmouth this week. This website is basically built on Guff. How funny is it that a Cape Cod town has to actually initiate a “No Guff Week” though? Basically what we are saying is.

1. We are such sarcastic pricks to each other that we need to create an event to stop it.

2. There is zero chance that we are actually going to get people to stop being dicks altogether so let’s shoot for one week out of 52.

3. The Cape is so full of assholes that we even have to specify that town government and the church are also no prick zones for the week.

Gotta love it. Cape Cod is a special place for sure, fucking with each other is so deeply embedded in our culture we have to give it up for lent and shit. Well here is a “No Guff” toast from The Real Cape.

We love you Cape Cod, every last one of you dumb sons of bitches!

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Capecodonline.com – BARNSTABLE — In the end, the small towns narrowly won the day over the region’s largest towns in the battle over the future of county government on Cape Cod.

After more than two years of debate over potential changes to Cape Cod’s regional government, the county Assembly of Delegates voted at its regular meeting Wednesday against eliminating itself in favor of a council elected from 11 evenly populated districts.

The assembly voted to table a separate proposal from the charter review committee to eliminate the three-member Board of County Commissioners in favor of a single, elected executive, commonly referred to as a “mayor” for the Cape.

Well it looks like we won’t be getting a Mayor anytime soon. I have to admit I’m kinda bummed. A mayor of Cape Cod would provide us with endless material to make fun of. I may even have run myself, Hippie for mayor kinda has a nice ring to it no?

I think we just might need to hold our own campaign. Imagine the freaks that would come out of the woodwork for a Real Cape mayoral election? We could have mandatory drinking at the debates, talent contests for the candidates, mud wrestling at Zachary’s…  Hmmm….

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

BOSTON – The largest immigrant advocacy group in New England is again pushing lawmakers to support a bill that would allow foreign-born residents living in the country illegally to secure Massachusetts driver’s licenses.

Massachusetts law currently requires immigrants seeking a driver’s license to prove that they are in the country legally.

MIRA is calling on supporters to sign and share an online petition supporting the Safe Driving Bill, noting that similar laws are now in effect in Connecticut; Illinois; Maryland; Puerto Rico; California; Washington; Oregon; Nevada; Utah; Colorado; Washington, D.C. and New Mexico.

We don’t like to get political here at The Real Cape so we aren’t going to comment on whether it is right or wrong to give illegal immigrants licenses. We are however all for common sense so we will comment on how the fuck the logistics of this would work? Being an illegal immigrant is still illegal right? When two words describe something and one of the words is “illegal” I tend to lean towards there being a law broken. Am I alone on this?

So in these states where illegal aliens can get a license, and I know this may sound crazy complicated to a government agency, why don’t they just arrest them when they show up for the test? They’ve got weeks of notice. Is this not the ultimate proof of how ridiculously ass backwards our government is? What the government is telling us is that they don’t have the resources to catch illegal aliens. But! They do have the resources to catch them, give them a driving test, take their picture, let them go and then mail them a license within 10 business days? Seems legit.

I’m not even offended by the government not going after illegal aliens, I couldn’t really give a shit less. I mean everyone has an immigrant somewhere in their ancestry. What I am offended by is the government insulting our intelligence with something that makes no sense and contradicts itself. This is like if the government told us they were going to start handing out pie to jaywalkers. Look the other way if you want but don’t reward people who commit a crime. We’ve got a system going here ya know? When you just arbitrarily replace consequences with rewards it tends to screw up the entire operation. Anarchy, cats and dogs, the whole nine yards.

P.S. Anyone who doesn’t like immigrants should be forced to go to the Brazilian Grill in Hyannis, they’d change their tune real fast.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

MVGazette.com – Most Vineyarders already know some basic information about invasive species and why they’re a problem. Basically, invasives are plants or animals, usually from a different part of the world, that are too aggressive. Separated from whatever factors keep them under control in their original range, the spread rapidly and crowd out more diverse and more desirable native wildlife.

One invasive plant that turned up rather recently on the Vineyard — within the past decade or so — is garlic mustard. A native of Eurasia, garlic mustard is especially aggressive in damp habitats, but like most invasives, it’s highly adaptable and can tolerate a wide range of conditions.

I’m gonna have to plead ignorance on this one. How could garlic mustard “crowd out more desirable native wildlife”? What is more desirable than garlic mustard? How can something so good be invasive? I wish it would invade my backyard. While you’re at it Mother Nature I’ll take some invasive bacon ranch in the front yard. How about some honey mustard on one side and teriyaki ginger on the other side for good measure as well?

People on The Vineyard don’t know how good they have it. Talk about Cape Cod Problems. They’ve got Grey Poupon growing right out of the ground and they are bitching about the native wildlife not having room to grow. What’s next? Annoying Money Tree groves just sprouting up in everyone’s yards and driving out the scrub pines? Oh The horror!

 

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony