CapeCodOnline.com – CHEEKTOWAGA, N.Y. – A Cheektowaga man has been accused of impersonating a deceased soldier from Bourne, Mass., on Facebook and online dating websites.

Ashraf is accused of impersonating Army Staff Sgt. Matthew A. Pucino of Maryland, a Green Beret who was killed in action in Afghanistan on Nov. 23, 2009. Pucino, who died at 34, was a 1993 graduate from Bishop Stang High School in North Dartmouth. He lived in Plymouth, Bourne and Cotuit.

Pucino was on combat patrol near Pashay Kala, in eastern Afghanistan, when the vehicle in which he was riding was struck with an improvised explosive device.

You may remember we did a story a while back about someone posing as a dead Bourne soldier on Facebook and dating sites. Well the guy was caught and now the only question is do they give him the chair or hang him? I mean he even had plans to meet up with girls he met online posing as Staff Sgt. Matthew A. Pucino.

Sure we all mislead people to get laid, guys lie about their jobs, girls wear push up bras and high heels, but stealing the identity of a dead soldier is next level scumbag shit. This guy deserves the absolute worst punishment the law will allow. 20 minutes alone in a room full of pre pardoned Afghan war vets should do the trick.

P.S. What’s the plan when your fat ugly ass shows up to meet some chick and she is expecting you to be this guy?

Bit of a downgrade no? That is Army Staff Sgt. Matthew A. Pucino, read more about him and his foundation HERE

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Today is a bittersweet day for us as fans of The Quahog Republic. While we congratulate them for their victory at the WMVY Big Chili Contest yesterday, we also bring this photo of their original location being torn down.

The OG Quahog Republic, A.K.A. The Mashnee Island Beach Club, was a classic tale of the fun police taking a gem from us. The place was an absolute blast. The owners, the staff, the entertainment, the food, the patrons and the location all combined for one of those “lightning in a bottle” situations.

Unfortunately on Cape Cod if you have too much fun and too much of a good thing it will soon come to an end. The neighbors started complaining and eventually drove the normal, fun loving people out. R.I.P. OG QR, you had a good run and provided us with a lot of memories.

P.S. Fuck the fun police!

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Patch.com – An East Falmouth woman accused by a Stop & Shop manager of habitually shoplifting food and huffing gas from whipped-cream cans was arrested Jan. 5 after allegedly hurling one of the cans at the grocery store manager when he tried to stop her

You know how there are some things in life that fall under that “if someone steals this then god bless them, they obviously need it more than me” category? Well if you are at a point in your life where you are suckling on the teet of a whipped cream can in aisle 9 of a Stop and Shop then god bless you. You need it more than me.

The big question is what was the manager of Stop and Shop thinking trying to stop her by himself? If you happen to come across a gal playing Reddi Whip cans like saxophones in the middle of your store, what part of that scenario leads you to believe that she will listen to reason? Just keep your distance and call the cops, shit call the National Guard. Either that or you might as well just start throwing whipped cream cans at your own head, because we all know that is the ONLY way this scene ends if you try to be a hero.

P.S. wawawawawawawawawawaw (you know what I’m talking about)

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Thank god for these guys. It’s too cold to drink all day at the Chili Contest let alone fight a fire.

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One of our great pleasures when we are searching Twitter for news on Cape Cod is reading tweets from @CapeCod_Gman. He is new to Twitter but by the looks of things it is shaping up to be a great source of entertainment. Yes that profile pic is real and it is spectacular, here is his bio:

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WickedLocal.com – The snowy owl is not your typical beach bum, though he likes to lounge on the open sand. He’s gazing toward the water, yes, but with more than poetry on his brain. And the Arctic temperatures don’t seem to faze him. What is he doing there, sitting on Race Point Beach? What is he doing on Cape Cod, for that matter?

These white-winged visitors from the North have been seen so often this winter that bird experts are being forced to do tricks with math to keep up with it all.

The owls are likely hunting ducks, gulls and other waterfowl, he says. And they’re sitting on the beach because they prefer treeless, wind-swept terrain — the kind they’re used to in the Arctic Circle, where they breed… “These are big, serious predators. They can take down a great blue heron if they want,”

What are all these owls doing here? Why Cape Cod? I’ll tell you why. They probably read our story about how we are roping off our beaches to artificially prop up the Piping Plover population. They probably figure it’s a double whammy situation. First they can tear through the Plovers like a fat drunk dude devouring a bag of peeps at 2 a.m. on Easter morning. The Piping Plovers won’t even know what hit them because they’re so used to living in a bubble with no natural predators in the roped off V.I.P. sections we’ve been providing them.

Then the Snowy owls probably figure that if we rolled out a red carpet for the Plovers we’ll probably build beach front condos with taxpayer money for them to live in. Next thing you know the Audubon Society will turn Cape Cod into the Malibu beach for owls. Meanwhile we are laying on towels on the pavement in the parking lot fighting over french fries with the Seagulls.

This is why you don’t mess with Mother Nature folks, next thing you know your grandfather gets pecked to death for a french fry. Don’t let your grandfather get pecked to death for a french fry.

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Hey Polar Vortex suck on this. Just because it’s been colder on The Cape than in Alaska this winter doesn’t mean you can’t hang at the beach. Remember those Bud Light Real Men of Genius ads? Well thanks Mr. Beach Office Set Up Guy! (Justin Kemp) The only thing I can fault here is that you have to go with a beach chair and a cooler full of beers disguised as a computer tower with this set up, that’s just a no brainer.

P.S. Do you know the best kept secret on Cape Cod? If you tell Lawrence Lynch that you are making a sandbox for a kid they will give you the sand for free. Countless horseshoe pits have been drunkenly filled using this trick.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony