The Art of Being Noncommittal


I am the queen of always and forever responding or conversing in a noncommittal way. I get extremely anxious or nervous if I feel as though I’m locked into a plan or event and begin to panic that there’s no way out of it. I like having options, sue me.

Someone asks: “Drinks next week??”

What I hear: “Do you have plans 6 months, 3 days, 4 hours and 36 minutes from today? I want to lock you into plans that you may never get out of and if you try I will make you feel like a scum bag loser who is a selfish, shitty friend that hates babies.”

I have enough issues committing to an outfit every morning / finishing an entire bottle set of the same shampoo & conditioner (I cannot be alone on this one), let alone agreeing to meet for drinks anytime outside of the next 20-34 minutes. I prefer the whole “game time decision” approach, and 9 times out of 10 will answer any invitation with a response of “GTD”. That’s an abbreviation for game time decision. Idiot.

Soo how do I remain noncommittal while still continuing to receive social invitations? Well for starters, I set expectations low so that my attendance is always an exciting surprise; kind of like Christmas. I’m never really expected to show up, but on the off chance I do, that person is SO excited they immediately forget I haven’t been around. Second; I follow a strict event rotation. I pick and choose what I attend based on previous engagements. For example: if I attend a birthday gathering for someone, that person is moved to the bottom of the event rotation which essentially means I don’t have to see them for 12-18 months.

Also, this confirms that you will have plenty to talk about/catch up on which guarantees you won’t be bored to tears in the corner getting black out while silently judging everyone else in attendance. Well you’ll probably still do that but it won’t be as boring and people will think you have a life outside of watching Pick-a-flick Friday on Lifetime.

Honestly, you really shouldn’t fully invest in anything outside of deciding what kind of wine to buy, (because that obviously means you have to commit to the entire bottle and even then you should always have backup vodka just in case it sucks) and penetration. Because if you’re not fully committed to penetration than that means you’re getting raped. And no one chooses that. That’s why it’s called rape.


Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony