Aliens and Drugs

Jesus Christ I don’t even know where to begin with this one.

The Bug

This guy I went to school with kept asking me out. I had said no multiple times but finally decided to give in the 54,673rd time he asked because I 1-felt bad that he kept asking, 2- I was hungry and 3- there wasn’t a good Lifetime movie on that night. He even sent me flowers and a card asking for the “pleasure of my company”. Disgusting.

I so badly did NOT want to go on this date. I just felt like he tried WAY too hard and I absolutely hated his hair. He had this weird, wannabe faux-hawk thing that just didn’t work.

I bitched about how awful and boring this guy was ALL DAY at work to my sales team. They all teased me but said it was a good idea I went because I deserved a nice night out. That seems sweet, but in actuality they just hoped I would get laid and not be such a slave driving bitch anymore.

So off I go to meet him at the restaurant I had picked beforehand, (he had offered to pick me up but I didn’t want him to know where I lived. I also made sure to text my sisters the address of the restaurant and a picture of what I was wearing just in case I went missing) We get seated, and low and behold…guess whose at the table directly next to us?

MY ENTIRE FUCKING SALES TEAM.

Yeah..the same sales team I had been talking to ALL DAY about how badly I did not want to go on this date and how awful this guy was. They all had these shit eating grins on their faces – I wish I was kidding when I say that they all refilled their glasses from the pitcher of beer they had ordered and I literally heard one of them say “shhh the show is about to start.”

I pretended I didn’t know who they were and never even acknowledged them. Fucking twerps. I tried to strike up a conversation with The Bug and I might as well have been talking to my fork. He kept doing this weird thing with his head that was driving me crazy and I couldn’t figure out why. Then it hit me….he talks like The Bug from the movie Men in Black when he takes over the farmer, Edgar’s, body. I’m not kidding.

Great. So now I’m sharing a meal with an alien. I tried to remain calm and not burst into tears at what my life had become at that point in time while my sales reps stared at me, hanging on my every word. It took everything in my power not to ask him if he wanted sugar water.

I think he could tell I was getting sick of carrying the conversation, so quickly switched topics to who I was still close with from college..

The Bug: “Oh yeah, weren’t you friends with that girl Brigid?”

Now he clearly hadn’t realized, but Brigid and I have been best friends since we were 3, and we actually went to college TOGETHER. She lived in the same dorm as The Bug and I so he remembered her – before I could respond with “Yes, she’s my best friend and I’m actually the Maid of Honor in her wedding this year” he proceeded to say,

“Ha..yeah, crazy she got kicked out of school for selling heroin.”

Me: “I’m sorry….what!?”

The Bug: “Yeah..you didn’t know? She got kicked out our sophomore year for using and selling heroin – everyone knew about it”

I died. I literally died at the table at that very moment. Brigid didn’t use or sell heroin – she left college because she fucking hated it and wanted to move home to pursue her dream of smoking pot and cutting hair. You go girl.

So lets recap…

I’m on a date with a guy that I’m mentally comparing to an alien that wore an Edgar skin suit, while my entire sales team is watching it crash and burn and now he’s accused my best friend of being a heroin addict and drug dealer. I would have left the table but I was fucking starving.

The date finally ended after my third glass of wine and once he finished chewing his steak like the critter that he is. He paid the tab, I honestly didn’t even offer to pay because the least he could do was spring for my $20 salad that I didn’t even eat because I was too busy wondering what the fuck Brigid did in college to make people think she was on heroin.

He walked me to my car and I knew the moment we all dread was upon me. He was 100% going to go in for a ‘goodnight kiss’. I was so busy contemplating how to dodge it that I panicked and just put my head down and gave an awkward hug, just in time for my head to miss his face. He kissed my fucking scalp.

I just…

…I can’t.

Naturally the first thing I did when I closed and locked my car door was call Brigid and tell her that our entire campus thought she sold heroin. I had to pull over I was laughing so hard. He texted me about an hour later to make sure I got home okay, and to ask me out again. I’d rather watch grass grow, but thanks. Long story short – hands down one of the more awful dates I’ve ever been on, but I’d do it all over again just to be able to tell Brigid that everyone thought she was a major druggy.

God I love my friends.