Why Cape Codders Couldn’t Care Less About This Fake Black Lady In Washington

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You’d think the world was coming to an end because one privileged white woman is pretending to be black. White America is freaking out left and right, but it doesn’t really seem like that big of a deal to me. I guess it’s because tons of privileged white kids have been pretending to be black on Cape Cod for years. Excuse me, tons of white kids have been “identifying” as black on Cape Cod for years.

Maybe CNN should come to this peninsula and check out the phenomenon we’ve all known about since childhood. For years we’ve been wondering why the white kid that lives on a nice cul de sac on Cape Cod and went to the same elementary school as us decided to act black. I guess he just felt right in a Tupac do-rag and a Triple Fat Goose jacket. He simply “identified” himself as looking fly as hell in Phat Pharm is all.

It’s not really a big deal, they usually end up putting one and one together and realizing that it really is much easier to be white. They notice much less police attention when they are wearing a belt instead of their pants around their knees. They notice how they get much better service at restaurants when they are wearing a collared shirt instead of a XXXXXL FUBU Tee. Basically they eventually realize that white privilege isn’t just a cliche.

So next time someone is all up in arms about the German Weave Queen up in Spokane, tell ’em it’s no big deal, she’ll grow out of it. Then tell them about white Jimmy J Roc from down the street who used to think he was in Wu Tang, but now he does your taxes and is in the Elks.

Or next time some conservative tells you it’s some liberal agenda, tell them to stop freaking out, this white people pretending to be black thing is nothing new, and they usually end up coming back to the whiteness anyway. Steve Martin was born a poor black child, and he ended up inventing the Opti-Grab. Look at Elvis, he was black as a teenager, and he ended up becoming a, white, bloated, fake DEA agent.

So everyone calm down about this fake black lady OK? It’s no big deal. Call me when Stevie Wonder pulls off a mask and reveals that he’s Old Man Withers from Scooby Doo. Then I’ll be impressed.

P.S. By the way, this “race identifying” thing works both ways, Tiger Woods has been pretending to be white his entire life. Nobody seems to care two sticks about that.

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