We all know her. We all can’t stand her. Yet, we almost need her in a way so that we feel better about ourselves. I mean at the end of the day, sure..maybe Amazon continues to recommend the “boyfriend pillow” as my next purchase and maybe a guy I use to date recently sent me an article that “reminded him of me”, entitled “17 Reasons You’re Undateable” but at least I’m not THAT girl.
The girl that posts selfies on every social media platform she is a member of.
She posts selfies no matter the situation even when it’s completely irrelevant to her post.
The Activity Selfie – There is NO need for a duck face selfie in front of the giraffe exhibit when you’re “going to the zoo with the fam!” – neat. You’re at the zoo. We get it. Why not put up a picture of a fucking monkey or a lion for christ sakes? Lord knows I’d rather see the alligators then you’re face.
The Getting Ready Selfie – Like, why post a picture of yourself “getting ready to go out!”? If you’re going out, people are going to see you. Soo why the need to put it online? Unless you “going out” is sitting in your friends parents basement, which lets be honest it most likely is if you’re posting selfies online of your heinous outfit and awful hair, then fine, I get it – post away, Amanda Bynes.
The Skinny Beach Selfie – Love, love LOVE the shots when she’s laying down at the beach, and posts a selfie of her “flat stomach and skinny feet”. You’re not fooling anyone, sister, we all look like we have washboard stomachs when we’re fucking laying down. You want to see a picture of me at the beach? Good fucking luck trying to find one.
Why? Because the only time I’m in a bathing suit is when I’m rolling around Washburn Island or tanning in my parents backyard, where I can crush cheeseburgers and waddle to the water without judgment. The only picture of me in a bathing suit you’ll ever see on the internet is the time I caught a horseshoe crab because I was both proud and excited. So fuck you.
The Before/After Selfie – I fucking LIVE for these. You lost 3 pounds in your left wrist?? That clearly requires a full body before and after shot. Just a heads up though, you’re most likely still not skinny. You’re just less fat than you were before. But really, I’m excited for you that you lost weight, thanks for sharing with the entire facebook community ..
Dear Girl Who Posts Excessive Selfies:
Stop. Just stop. If you want the social media world to praise you for losing weight, getting a new hair style or to check out your new outfit; then post a group photo with your friends! Or I don’t know, at least ask your Grandmother to take it so it at least SEEMS as if you’re with another human and not just sitting in your room, alone, putting on makeup and doing your hair for no other purpose other than to take a selfie and post it to see how many ‘likes’ you get from the reject townies who are also sitting alone in their parents homes but aren’t clever or sober enough to know how to upload pictures to social media platforms.
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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony
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