Ocean “Safari” Trip To See Sharks Off Cape Cod Billed As “First Of Its Kind”

By Hippie

31 Jul

sharkfari

BostonHerald.com – Two marine conservation groups are offering a daylong ocean trip on Cape Cod to search for great white sharks, humpback whales, gray seals and seabirds in their wild habitat, billing the trip as the first of its kind and calling it a safari.

Organizers say there’s room for about 250 people on the Sept. 6 expedition. It is intended to raise funds for the nonprofit organizers — the Atlantic White Shark Conservancy, which is based on Cape Cod, and the Whale and Dolphin Conservation, which is based in Plymouth.

“This is the first trip of its kind in Cape Cod and we are thrilled to offer this opportunity,” said Emily Moss of the Whale and Dolphin Conservation.

First of its kind? I’m pretty sure they might be wrong on that one. This trip has happened a few times around here before, half the people on Cape Cod have taken this trip. We just don’t call it a “safari”, we call it “Saturday afternoon”.

I guess you can’t really expect someone who says “in Cape Cod” to know that though. I guess in a way it is actually true now that I think about it. It really will be the “first trip of its kind IN Cape Cod”, seeing as nothing has ever happened IN Cape Cod, things only happen ON Cape Cod. There is simply no quicker way to spot a washashore a mile away than the hearing them say IN Cape Cod. We should hand out THESE at the bridges to avoid this in the future.

P.S. Of the 250 people on this “safari”, how many will be wearing fanny packs and Teva’s with socks? I say 178.

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Great Day To Be A Lobsterman, Their Jobs Just Became Illegal For 1/3 Of The Year

By Hippie

31 Jul

lobsterman

CapeCodToday.com – Effective June 27, the National Marine Fisheries Service implemented a new rule designed to protect right and humpback whales that prohibits lobster traps in an area stretching from Cape Cod Bay to Boston between Jan. 1 and April 30. Scott Leddin, a Marshfield lobsterman, said the rule will hurt the lobster industry and related businesses from bait retailers to fuel suppliers.

“We’re willing to work with these people, but it’s a big hit,” said Leddin, who explained that the industry has already moved to use breakaway buoys and other safety devices to protect whales. Rep. James Cantwell, a Marshfield Democrat, said he would like to see Massachusetts receive an exemption.

He said the waters off the coasts of New Hampshire and Maine are not subject to the same restrictions while the right whale population has doubled in recent years.

“We think it’s an overreaction, period. But we are seeking an exemption at the very least. This will put people out of business,” Cantwell said.

Does anyone get more fucked with by our government than the people who provide us with food? It seems like every day you hear of some fishery being closed, or farmers going out of business because of some ridiculous regulation. Listen I like whales as much as anyone but not letting thousands of people make a living 1/3 of the year with no warning is just not cool. There’s gotta be a better solution.

Could you imagine if the government decided that the banking industry causes too much pollution so they shut down banking for 4 months a year? How do you think that would work out? You just can’t mess with peoples money, that is unless they make it by feeding the rest of the country apparently.

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House And Senate Narrowly Override Deval’s Veto Of 4C’s Aviation Program

By Hippie

31 Jul

flight

CapeCodOnline.com – Legislators on Wednesday overwhelmingly overrode Gov. Deval Patrick’s veto of $1.95 million in funding for Cape Cod Community College, reviving the West Barnstable campus’s hopes of launching a Federal Aviation Administration-certified airplane mechanic program in the fall of 2015.

Coming the day before the legislative session ends, the 115-0 vote in the House and 39-0 vote in the Senate erased Cape Cod Community College President John Cox’s doubts of whether the earmark could clear the two-thirds majority it needed to return to the state budget for fiscal 2015.

“We’re content, and we’re ready to move on this program,” Cox said Wednesday, after Senate President Therese Murray called to inform him of the override vote. “We still have to get the final approval through the FAA, but that process has already begun.”

Whew! That was a close one huh? If I were the Governor I’d demand a recount, 115-0 and 39-0 is just too close to call.

I know this post will probably cause a shitstorm just like every time we comment on a political subject, but anyone who reads this site on a regular basis should know by now that we don’t align ourselves along any party lines. We just call ‘em like we see ‘em, and this one deserves to be ridiculed for sure.

No matter if you are a Democrat, Republican, Communist or a member of the friggin’ Whig party you’d think someone in a position as high up as Patrick would be able to gauge the political tide on an issue a little better than this no? 115-0 in the House and 39-0 in the Senate? That’s an absolute bloodbath. I’m pretty sure Deval would’ve fared better if he tried to pass a law making babies and puppies illegal.

Seriously though, does the guy just hate planes or what? You’d think his wife had an affair with a Cessna or something.

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Brewster Man Claims To Be “A Terrorist And Card-Carrying Member Of Al-Qaida

By Hippie

31 Jul

osama

CapeCodOnline.com – A Brewster man arraigned Tuesday in Barnstable District Court on a drunken-driving charge reportedly told police he was a terrorist with CIA connections.

Vladko Iliev, 30, pleaded not guilty to operating a motor vehicle under the influence of liquor, negligent operation of a motor vehicle, a marked lanes violation and speeding.

At around 1 a.m. Tuesday, police stopped Iliev in his black Mercedes on Highbank Road in South Yarmouth after seeing him speed and cross over the double yellow line, according to a Yarmouth police report.

After he failed field sobriety tests, police arrested Iliev and took him to the police station, where his “attitude changed from compliant to aggressive,” the report says.

Iliev told police he “knew people in the CIA” who would help to dismiss his case, according to the report.

During booking, Iliev said he was “a terrorist and a card-carrying member of al-Qaida,” the report says

Doing what I do on a daily basis, I’ve become quite de-sensitized to reading about people acting like wackos, but when I read this article I literally laughed out loud. It is just so preposterous and hilarious to envision members of Al-Qaida carrying identification cards. Like there is a terrorist RMV somewhere with a huge line where everyone is taking numbers and updating their Facebook status to say “The only thing I hate more than the line at the RMV… is America!” while they wait to renew their Al-Qaida I.D.

Hey buddy, you want to know how I know you aren’t in Al-Qaida? Because the first rule of Al-Qaida is you don’t talk about Al-Qaida. I’m pretty sure they teach you that in day one of terrorist school, right after you complete the monkey bars they set up in the desert for some reason.

P.S. You might want to look up a guy named Ernesto Miranda.

P.P.S. Seriously though, why do terrorist training videos always have guys doing the monkey bars? Are monkey bars a common obstacle when terrorizing?

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Band Schedule Released For The Real Cape Music Festival On Saturday

By Hippie

30 Jul

festival sidebar

Here it is folks. The band schedule for Saturday’s festival. There are two stages so the energy will never stop, talk about a day jam packed with amazing music. This is gonna be a doozy.

If there’s a better way to spend this Saturday on Cape Cod I’d like to see it. Remember it’s not just music, there will be all kinds of live art going on around the grounds including glass blowing, screen printing, sculpting, henna tattoo, we’ve got tons of the coolest vendors showing off their swag and of course plenty of food and beer. Lots and lots of beer.

Kids under 12 are free, you can bring in chairs, blankets etc. Get your tickets now because they are only $25 in advance but $30 at the door. Or for the ultimate experience check out our VIP packages.

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Guess How Many More Piping Plovers There Are On The Cape After 10 Years Of Conservation?

By Hippie

30 Jul

plover cape

Ten years ago, in 2004, 124 Piping Plovers fledged (were born and lived long enough to fly) on Cape Cod’s National Seashore. 124. Now, after 10 years of conservation. After closing miles of beaches to vehicles. After closing miles of beaches to humans. After placing cages around their nests. After banning drones. After banning kite surfing. After trying to murder crows with chemicals. After all of this, ten years later, do you know how many Piping Plovers hatched and lived (fledged) in 2014? 27. TWENTY FUCKING SEVEN! Less than 22% of the amount that were hatched and survived ten years ago. plovers We are officially at Schiavo levels here folks. It’s time to pull the plug. There is just only so much you can do.

So please Mr. National Parks Head Bug Counter Guy, could we have our beaches back now? Maybe do a little camping? How about a little surfing? Maybe go fishing without having to walk 18 miles around a nest? Can a brother have a picnic up in here? Could the 215,888 of the humans that live here year round maybe enjoy our home again instead of being held hostage by 27 birds?

We gave you over 10 years to save them. You have failed miserably. It’s OK though, we won’t blame you, maybe the Plovers just aren’t cut out for life on Cape Cod. I know how hard this is for you Mr. National Parks guy, I’m sure it’s not easy when you realize you aren’t god. Most of us don’t remember that moment, since it happened to us when we were like 8 days old, but still, I’m sure it’s not easy, but it is definitely time.

P.S. Nauset spit has been closed for 8 years. Zero Piping Plovers survived there this year. ZERO.

P.P.S. Imagine the day the last Piping Plover finally dies and the ropes come down? It’ll be like caddy day at the pool at Bushwood Country Club.

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Mashpee Kid Tries To Trade Woman Her Stolen Phone Back For Sex

By Hippie

29 Jul

phone

CapeCodOnline.com – The son of a Mashpee woman who allegedly stole a phone from another woman is facing extortion charges after allegedly texting the owner and offering the phone back in exchange for sex.

The owner of the Samsung Galaxy S III reported the apparent theft Friday, a day after losing the phone while shopping at the Old Navy store on Iyannough Road, according to a Barnstable police report.

She told police that when she texted her own number asking that the phone be returned she received the following messages: “Send me some naked pictures” and “I will return your phone only if you have sex with me,” according to the report.

Losing your cell phone completely sucks. Nowadays losing a phone means you don’t know a single person’s phone number, and you lose about 8,254 photos, videos, notes, songs, etc. etc. And don’t give me that “Oh back up your phone on your computer” or “use the cloud” crap either. Ain’t nobody got time for that. Not to mention, I’m so paranoid that I have a piece of tape over my web cam, there’s no chance I’m putting anything on some “cloud” that just magically exists in outer space somewhere.

My point here is that seeing as how much of a pain in the ass it is to lose a phone, I’m pretty sure if this happened to me I’d give up the booty in a heartbeat. Not having to make that dreadful Facebook post where you tell everyone to comment with their number because you lost your phone, then having nobody respond, bringing you to the realization that everybody hates you? Yeah, not having to do that is worth every minute of stranger sex if it gets your Samsung back.

P.S. Remember when you used to actually know everyone’s phone numbers? How did we do that? It seems impossible in hindsight. I don’t even know what my own phone number is anymore.

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A Couple Of Rocket Scientists Got Stranded On A Sandbar At Sandy Neck Beach

By Hippie

29 Jul

sandy neck

CapeCodOnline.com – Three hikers were rescued after they became stranded off Sandy Neck Beach on Monday, Barnstable fire Capt. Christopher Beal said.

At around 9:15 a.m. emergency responders were alerted to the hikers stuck on a sandbar as the tide rose, he said. A rescue boat was dispatched and brought the three to shore, Beal said.

There were no injuries.

What the hell? It takes six hours to go from low tide to high tide. Did these people go out on a sand bar and eat Turkey legs sprinkled with Ambien and wash it down with warm milk?  That’s the only explanation right? They had to be unconscious. If not how does nobody notice the ocean rising and the land disappearing over a six hour period.

P.S. In related news a man was attacked by a slug today. Initial reports stated that the man first noticed the slug heading towards him around 12 noon, he was unable to escape and the assault took place at 6 p.m.

DISCLAIMER: They weren’t rocket scientists, that was sarcasm.

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Thousands Of Shrinks Come To Wellfleet Every Year?

By Hippie

29 Jul

lunatic

BostonGlobe.com – It’s summer on the Outer Cape, and that means the shrinks have once again returned. Each year, between Memorial Day and Labor Day, thousands of psychiatrists, psychologists, and other species of mental health professional bypass the bustle of the Mid-Cape to get to the comparative quiet of Wellfleet and its surrounding towns. It’s a natural phenomenon as reliable as the swells rising off Coast Guard Beach.

The therapists come here for various reasons, but a big one is that so many people in their line of work have come here before — going back three generations. The group I’ve joined on this day in late June evokes the summer excursions that Sigmund Freud himself took to Bavaria and the Swiss Alps a century ago, vacationing with his eager psychoanalyst students, who in turn were trailed by some of their patients.

Who knew? Talk about an untapped resource! Thousands of mental health professionals just happen to visit a place where we have an inordinate amount of lunatics? Hey shrinks, maybe instead of chilling on the beach you could do some investigating into what part of the brain makes a tourist incapable of using  a rotary? Or maybe you could give some electroshock therapy to people who light off fireworks during the day? Or how about trying to figure out why people in Hyannis put $10,000 rims on $2,000 Honda Civics? The possibilities are legitimately endless. Shit, they could spend years on Insane Tony alone.

P.S. Psychiatrists flying and driving to Wellfleet is NOT a “natural phenomenon”, it’s a decision manipulated by thought. A lunar eclipse is a natural phenomenon.

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Kiteboarding Banned At The Seashore – We’ll Give You One Guess Why

By Hippie

29 Jul

kitesurfing

pressherald.com – Kiteboarders are pushing back against bans in the protected waters off Cape Cod, but federal officials say the prohibitions are necessary because the kites scare away piping plovers and other threatened or endangered shorebirds from their traditional nesting areas.

Kiteboarding, or kitesurfing, is an increasingly popular sport that involves riding a surfboard while being pulled by a large kite.

In early June, the U.S. National Park Service decided to ban the sport along the Cape Cod National Seashore, which extends about 40 miles from Provincetown to Chatham. The ban is in effect from March 15 through Oct. 15 on both the oceanside and bayside of the protected area.

Now the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service is also considering a ban for Monomoy, a nearly 8,000-acre island refuge just south of the national seashore.

That proposal, which is part of the refuge’s long-term conservation plan, won’t take effect until 2015 at earliest, according to Elizabeth Herland of the Fish and Wildlife Service, which is hosting an open house to discuss the plan at the Chatham Community Center on Tuesday afternoon.

Federal officials say the bans are needed because piping plovers, roseate terns, red knots and other shorebirds can mistake the kites for predatory birds and flee their nests, leaving their chicks unprotected.

The disturbances also force the birds to expend precious energy at a time they should be resting and preparing for their migration to warmer climates as winter approaches.

This is it, it’s 100% official. The world has gone completely bananas. No wonder Piping Plovers can’t survive without humans wrapping them in bubble wrap and not allowing anyone withing 538 miles of them. They are fucking idiots. Natural selection will extinct the crap out of a species dumb enough to think a kiteboarder is a freakin’ Falcon. That’s pretty much exactly what natural selection is for, to weed out the things that suck at life.

What a bunch of pussies they are as well. A Piping Plovers reaction to thinking there is a predator threatening its family is to take off and leave its kids alone and vulnerable? Holy shit, can we just let these things die already? If you had a neighbor that was such a moron that every time a plane flew over his house he ran down the street thinking it was a Pterodactyl and left his babies behind, you’d probably hope natural selection would run his ass over with a Mack truck in mid stride.

Sorry, but if you are dumb and skittish enough to think a guy on a surfboard attached to a kite is going to murder your family then you deserve to die. If I thought all sailboats were giant sharks that were going to eat my house would we ban sailboats? No, they’d give me a lobotomy, and ship me off to some place with a giant Indian that doesn’t talk and throws sinks through windows.

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