Did The Glitter Ginger Call Me Out This Morning? Oh No She Dittent!

By Hippie

10 Sep

kayak shark

Today, on the 10th of September, in the year of our lord two thousand and fourteen, The Glitter Ginger made history with a landmark blog post in which she called me out and contradicted my stance on sharks. I am, for the sake of sanity, not going to point out the fact that I’ve labeled my fear “irrational”, and reached new levels of hyperbole on the subject as a tongue in cheek parody of the current media fueled frenzy. I am going to put on my rose colored glasses and assume that our readers understand and appreciate the satirical aspect of my position.

With that said, I am now going to defend my fictional stance with intense fervor! Nobody, and I mean nobody, questions my fake stance on a non issue on my own website!

I’m sorry to have to do this to you GG, but your argument, while quite possibly correct, was delivered with completely flawed logic that renders it moot. The thing about statistics is that 78% of them are wrong 89% of the time.

Fact: Statistics kill more people per year than atom bombs!

I’m going to break this right down to the lowest common denominator. It will be short and sweet, and it will dismantle this “less dangerous than” argument with impunity.

The Glitter Ginger uses three references in her argument. She states that the following things are more dangerous to humans than sharks;

  1. Coconuts
  2. Hot dogs
  3. Vending machines

That’s a random enough list to lead us to believe that SHE may have been hit in the head by a falling coconut while she was in California.

Here is the problem. Notice something that all three of those have in common? They are all on land. Where do humans live? Land. Where do sharks live? Water. Think about how skewed these comparisons are for a second. Of the 7 billion people on earth, how many minutes, collectively, do you think they spend in the water on a daily basis? How much time on land? Now multiply those two numbers by 365 days per year and we are talking about an ASTRONOMICAL difference in the time humans spend on land and the time they spend in water. Of course the percentages are WAY off.

Fact: Vending machines don’t have 5-7 rows of 50 teeth.

So, sorry to bring logic into the argument here, but saying that you have more of a chance of being killed by a vending machine than a shark is no different than saying you have a higher chance of choking on a sausage in Chicago than on the moon. No shit, but the latter statement means totally different things to you depending on whether you are Mike Ditka or an astronaut. I’m neither, but I do live on a peninsula surrounded by sharks.

Fact: Hot dogs can’t swim 25 miles per hour.

Thanks a lot Glitter Ginger, your post did nothing to quell my fear of sharks, but now I’m scared shitless of three new things that I used to think were my friends.

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Sharks? You should be more scared of a coconut

By Glitter Ginger

10 Sep

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Fact: falling coconuts kill more people every year than sharks. That’s right, you are 5 times more likely to die during the collapse of a delicious fruit (are coconuts a fruit? Holy shit, what the hell IS a coconut?) that resembles a human testicle, than even be approached by a shark.

I firmly believe that people are so scared of sharks because they don’t know anything about them other than the fact that they’re stealth hunters who are expert creepers and whose main purpose in life is to kill things, swim and make baby sharks.

It drives me absolutely insane when people start jumping to conclusions about how “sharks are everywhere now” and “don’t go swimming”. Here’s the thing: sharks have ALWAYS been around. Have you ever thought that maybe our science and technology has just finally advanced to the point that we’re able to tag, track and monitor these Gods of the ocean more closely?? #RESPECT

daily95afternoon95randomness954995photos1951405985875*Photo credit: L.Allenby

Fact: You are more likely to choke on a hot dog than be attacked by a shark. Last weekend alone I had 4 hot dogs (I’m not proud of this by any means, but felt the need to personally validate just how serious that analogy is) and I’m still kicking.

If you’re scared of something, the least you can do is educate yourself so you know how to avoid it. Example: I’m PETRIFIED of sloths. Putting aside the fact that nothing that moves that slowly can be from this planet, let’s acknowledge the fact that they’re rapists. I’m scared of them because after a lot of research, I also learned they happen to be a huge carrier of disgusting diseases, pee on themselves often and grow mold on their bodies. Now that I think about it, that description also fits a lot of people I know…but that’s not what’s important here. Sloths are fucking useless and nobody likes a rapist.

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Back to sharks. When the news story came out last week about the women that were ‘attacked’ by a shark on Cape I got so mad I punched a pillow.  You take a kayak out, at dusk, and paddle into a group of seals to “see if you can get a picture of a great white”, what the hell did you think was going to happen? Dusk is when sharks feed and kayaks look EXACTLY like their main food source which you decided to paddle into. I don’t wish physical harm on anyone, but a large, small part of me wishes they suffered a minor flesh wound just so they know not to fuck around next time.

Think about it..would you go into the jungles of Africa, dressed like a zebra, hoping to get up close and personal with a pack of lions? No. So, why would you think it’s okay to paddle into a shark’s home, disguised as their prey, then blame it for taking a nibble? You probably also blame trees and plant life in general when you get a splinter and 100% steal salt and pepper packets from McDonald’s because those are the kinds of people that would be stupid enough to paddle into open ocean in hopes of seeing a shark then get pissed when one decides to say hello back.

Fact: vending machines are responsible for an average of 13 deaths a year. That’s more than two and a half times the amount of injuries caused by sharks. Better think twice next time you punch in that code for a bag of snack mix, homie.

So basically, what I’m saying, is stop being scared of something that you have no reason to be. Learn when and where not to swim, don’t be an idiot and I promise you, you’ll survive your dip in the ocean. If you ask me, there are WAY more things to be scared of than being attacked by a shark. Like being mugged, making eye contact with those guys at the mall that work the perfume kiosks, or getting raped by a sloth..all of which have a higher chance of occurring than you being bitten by a shark. Maybe not, but in all seriousness, what the fuck is a coconut?!

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True Talk Tuesday: I’m back, betches.

By Glitter Ginger

9 Sep

Soo apparently people were concerned and extremely curious as to where I’ve been the last few weeks due to my lack of posts.

In response to most of your questions;

  • No, I didn’t die
  • Yes, I’m still part of The Real Cape
  • No, my stalker didn’t kidnap me nor has he been holding me hostage in his basement
  • Yes, I caused the category 6 earthquake in California and
  • The rumor about me being in rehab, though funny and definitely the most interesting, is just plain ridiculous

But in all seriousness -

Where have you been?!

I wish my response was anywhere nearly as exciting as what’s listed above, but sadly I’ve just been insanely busy with my “real” job. Between traveling the country for work, prepping for a new position and spending time with my family; I haven’t had a moment to myself, let alone to write. Also, any free time I did have was spent sleeping and/or watching SyFy.

The most interesting trip was probs San Francisco a couple of weeks ago. I was of course there for the earthquake, because why wouldn’t I be present for the strongest natural disaster to hit the state of California in 25 years? I was literally tossed from my bed (not in a good way) at 3:30 in the morning and as soon as I realized what was happening I began to PANIC.

I don’t do well with natural disasters in general, so when one is thrown in hours before the biggest trade show/ career opportunity of my life while alone in a random city? Glitter Ginger don’t play that.

I was on the very top floor of the Hilton, and apparently newer buildings in California are built to “move with an earthquake”. I’m sorry, but by “move with an earthquake” do you mean rock harder than Janis Joplin on a fucking drug binge? Christ, that was scary. The earthquake, not Janice. I was so confused when I woke up via slamming my face into the carpet. It took a couple of seconds to figure out what was going on because I was 1 – woken from a dead sleep 2- was in the third random city in less than two weeks and 3 – took 5-7 melatonin (fuck you, time difference). My thought process was this;

What the fuck, why am I on the floor?

Well I’m alone so this is weird..

Where the fuck am I?

Oh yea, I’m in California.

Wait, is the room shaking? glasses begin to shatter

Is this a dream?

This isn’t a dream *I’m still on the floor..

I’m in California. They have earthquakes in California

HOLY FUCK IS THIS AN EARTHQUAKE?! pictures fall off the wall

HOLY FUCK THIS IS AN EARTHQUAKE

Aren’t I supposed to get in the tub or something?! *I’m still on the floor..

NO, a doorway you idiot.

FUCK that, fetal position it is.

Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. *Never left the floor..

FUCK YOU, CALIFORNIA.

The end.

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West Nile Detected In Cape Cod Mosquito (Of Course It’s Falmouth)

By Hippie

8 Sep

west nile

Capecodonline.com – West Nile virus has been detected in a mosquito collected this month in Falmouth, according to a posting on the website of the Massachusetts Department of Health. The Falmouth Health Department has posted a West Nile virus notice online stating that the mosquito was collected at a sampling site in the area of Woods Hole Road in early September.

According to the online post, the area around the sampling site has been treated by personnel from the Cape Cod Mosquito Control Project. According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), “West Nile virus is an arthropod-borne virus (arbovirus) most commonly spread by infected mosquitoes. West Nile virus can cause febrile illness, encephalitis (inflammation of the brain) or meningitis (inflammation of the lining of the brain and spinal cord).”

Falmouth coming in hot lately! The governor might as well declare a state of emergency and send in The National Guard at this point.

Like we don’t have enough problems on this peninsula. We’re surrounded by sharks, drugs are everywhere, Ticks have some new disease worse than Lyme, people are getting murdered in alleys, and now we add West Nile to the list? How the hell did a mosquito get all the way here from Africa anyway? Did he hitch a ride on that doctor that just got shipped back full of Ebola?

I’m not sure how I’m going to get it in the budget, but it looks like I need to amend my request to put a giant shark net around The Cape to include a giant mosquito net as well. On the plus side, I’ve been thinking lately that I need a new style hat to wear. I am officially declaring that these things are in now…

mosquito net

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A PSA Video For Boston Students – The City’s Version Of Tourists

By Hippie

7 Sep

You simply can’t get any more Masshole than this chick. Absolutely hilarious. Unfortunately for us, once the “interlopers” have the house in Lexington, Teva’s, and a kid when they’re 50, they buy a summer house on The Cape.

Gotta love the puffs of smoke…

psa

thanks to Laura for the tip

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Two Men Attacked By Random Naked Guy In Their Hyannis Apartment (Broomstick Involved)

By Hippie

5 Sep

broomstick attack

Capecodonline.com – A West Barnstable man was arraigned Thursday in Barnstable District Court on charges he broke into a Hyannis apartment while naked and attacked the resident with a broomstick.

Isiah Cunningham, 21, pleaded not guilty to breaking and entering in the nighttime to commit a felony, open and gross lewdness, assault and battery with a dangerous weapon and vandalizing property.

At around 3 a.m. Thursday, police responded to an apartment on Route 132 for a report of a fight, according to a Barnstable Police Department report.

The male victim, who had fled the apartment, told police he had been watching TV on the first floor when he suddenly saw a naked man, later identified as Cunningham, standing in his living room, according to the report. The victim told police he recognized Cunningham as someone he had gone to school with but not someone he hangs out with, the report says.

Cunningham allegedly punched the victim, threw him against a bookshelf and then hit him with a broomstick, according to the report.

During the attack, Cunningham repeatedly yelled, “Where is Erin? Tell me where Erin is,” the report says.
When police entered the apartment, another male resident told police he had been sleeping in his bedroom when he awoke to Cunningham looking around his dresser, according to the report.

Cunningham allegedly said that he was not there to hurt him and that he was looking for Erin before leaving through the back door, the report says.

Police found Cunningham, still naked, running around the parking lot of the apartment complex, according to the report.

Cunningham told police he had been drinking all evening, the report says.

I think it’s safe to say that summer is officially over and the townies have come out of hibernation. I always get excited about a new season of crazy Cape Cod criminals and this one is starting with a bang. One week into the off season and we’ve had a girl with drugs in her anus, clown pranks gone bad, and now a good old fashioned naked delusional guy broomstick attack.

There are a few hidden gems in this report. One that stands out is naked guy telling the second dude that he wasn’t there to hurt him just minutes after he Babe Ruth’d his roommate with a broomstick. Thanks for the re assurance naked guy, but I think I’ll keep my distance in case you decide to play Quidditch with MY face too.

As outlandish as naked guys post beat down claim of pacifism was, it pales in comparison to when he tells the cops he’d been drinking all night. Oh really? When we saw you running around the parking lot naked with a bloody broomstick we figured you were of sound mind and body. Thanks Captain Obvious.

The real meat of this story is obvious though. I have never in my life needed to know anything more than I need to know who Erin is. Somebody find me this Erin right now. I NEED to know who she is and what she looks like or I won’t sleep!

thanks to Jules for the tip

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Two Centerville Men Arrested During “Scary Clown” YouTube Prank

By Hippie

5 Sep

scary clown

Capecodonline.com – Two men were arrested Thursday evening after unsuccessfully trying to videotape a prank that entailed knocking on a stranger’s door and springing from a large box in a scary clown mask.

At about 5:50 p.m. Thursday, an off-duty Barnstable police officer on a small street off Shootflying Hill Road saw Nicholas Court, 25, and Jonathan Gebbia, 21, run through his backyard and over to his neighbor’s house, Sgt. Sean Sweeney said.

Court, of Dennis Port, was dressed in all black and wearing a “freaky clown mask” with blood and scars, Sweeney said, leading the off-duty officer to call police to report that the two appeared to be preparing to break into his neighbor’s house.

Court, carrying a large box, stepped onto the neighbor’s front porch while Gebbia, of Hyannis, hid in the bushes with a video camera, Sweeney said. The off-duty officer ran over to intervene before the 34-year-old woman inside the house answered the door, Sweeney said.

Court and Gebbia told the off-duty officer that they did not know the residents of the house.

“They explained they were going to put it on YouTube. The woman had never seen the people before. It was a strictly random pick,” Sweeney said.

Court and Gebbia were arrested and charged with disorderly conduct and trespassing on land, Sweeney said.

At the police station, Sgt. Dave Myette noted that an elderly person could have answered the door and had a heart attack. The two said they had not considered that possibility.

Court and Gebbia were scheduled to be arraigned this morning in Barnstable District Court. Police seized the video camera, Sweeney said.

Is it a dick move to pull this prank on random people instead of ones you know? Sure, but it also has a chance to be really funny. It’s basically a risk/reward type thing that polices itself. You might get internet gold, like some hilarious sassy black chick who loses her shit and freaks out so bad her extensions fall out, or you might get an ex marine who kicks the shit out of you. These are the risks you take when trying to make a viral prank video.

This is definitely one of those “sign of the times” situations. I’m 99% sure these two don’t get arrested for this 20 years ago. We just live in so much fear these days that we lock people up for jokes and seize their video cameras. It wouldn’t surprise me if they were charged with being terrorists. Nantucket should probably sound their air raid sirens. Everyone lock your doors and grab your transistor radios! Close the bridges, there’s crazy clowns on the loose! Hide the children and elderly! Oh the humanity!

The bottom line is that prank videos are kinda dumb and anyone who does them deserves whatever repercussions they get. In fact I openly root for them to get their asses kicked, but do they belong in jail? I’m not so sure of that.

P.S. How many old people die of prank induced heart attacks per year? Negative infinity?

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