Yarmouth House Of Horrors Sold!

By Hippie

24 Apr

yarmouth troubled house

YPD Facebook – TROUBLED HOUSE SOLD!

38 Jerusha Lane in West Yarmouth, the source of over 100 police incidents involving fights, drugs, overdoses, animal abuse, and other violent crimes over the past few years, has just been officially sold. Plans are being filed to renovate and restore the home.

Solid teamwork and community policing by town of Yarmouth Police, Fire, Natural Resources, Building, Health, Finance, Administration, and the Board of Selectmen led to the reduction of the repeated calls, strict enforcement of all laws and building, health, and safety codes, and the subsequent sale of the home.

This nice neighborhood will now have a vastly improved quality of life and peace restored.

Well done everyone!

Holy crap that must have been some house. Who lived there, the Wareham family Robinson? I’ve never heard of a police department rejoicing over the sale of a home before. Do you see how many departments were involved in getting these people out? Yarmouth did everything but hire Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey to chase whatever deliverance style family was in there out of town.

The big question is where did all of the inhabitants go? I don’t want to stick my nose in where it doesn’t belong but if they are such big fans of fights, drugs, overdoses, animal abuse and other violent crimes then we should probably ship them down to Alabama. That list isn’t a list of crimes down there, it’s a lifestyle.



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Are You Looking For A Job? The Real Cape Is Hiring – Salary + Commission

By Hippie

24 Apr

help wanted

We are getting close to the summer season and The Real Cape is growing exponentially. We are looking to hire a full time advertising sales manager. This position comes with a competitive base salary plus commission and will include digital sales as well as offline sponsorship management for the many big events we have lined up.

Experience is a must, preferably in ad sales or a strong sales background in other industries if specific to Cape Cod. Candidates must be able to work independently and since we always have multiple irons in the fire, adaptability is a must.

To apply please send a resume to info@therealcape.com and we will set up an interview. We are looking to fill this position ASAP.



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Neighbors Are Still Crying About The Heritage Zip Lines That Are Already Built

By Hippie

23 Apr

heritage zip lines

CapeCodTimes.com – It was one year late, but neighbors of Heritage Museums & Gardens aired objections Wednesday to an aerial adventure park before the Old King’s Highway Historic District Committee and were repeatedly told they were out of order.

William Collins, chairman of the committee, attempted to keep focus on a fence, stone pillars, lighting and a gate Heritage is planning to alter as part of its parking lot plans, but the neighbors repeatedly tried to talk about what they called the “elephant in the room.”

“The frustration of the neighborhood is because we didn’t have this opportunity on April 23, 2014,” Judy Stainbrook said. “We are not the adversaries.”

There was a particularly hostile exchange between Collins and Peter Mello, an attorney representing neighbors in a lawsuit over the historic committee’s approval one year ago of the adventure park. Neighbors say they were kept in the dark about those plans and allege Heritage misled the town by filing incorrect lot numbers on its application so neighbors wouldn’t be notified of a public hearing.

“It’s a matter of trust. That’s the problem here,” Carlo DiPersio, another neighbor, said. “That’s why you have to limit people and what they’re saying. We’ve been living with this lack of trust.”

Holy shit Judy and Carlo, cry us a freakin’ river. You lost. You went through every single avenue of appeal known to man and didn’t get one vote in your favor. Everyone likes the zip lines but you. In a time where kids are getting hooked on heroin left and right, a museum gave teenagers something to do. You sounded like assholes when you were fighting it, now you are just sad little Fun Police trolls that can’t let go.

And what’s this crap about living with no trust? You are acting like the person who got dumped and just won’t accept it. It’s time to move on, the lines are built, it’s been a year. Hertiage doesn’t care if you don’t trust them, they don’t think about you anymore, they have a hot new aerial adventure park that is better in bed than you ever were, take a hint and get lost will ya?



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Frank Anthony Reviews Whole Foods In Hyannis – A.K.A. MILF City

By Frank Anthony

23 Apr

wholefoods10-e1399987142682

Editor’s note: This came to us a while back and somehow never saw the light of day. Not sure why, Frank is hilarious. We’ve tried to get him on board as a regular contributor, but he’s kind of a prick, which you’d think would be a plus around here, not a deterrent. 

Unlike a lot of people around here, I had never traveled off-Cape to see what Whole Foods was all about. I assumed it was just somewhere I could go to pay $6 extra per pound for chicken so I could be guaranteed it had been coddled its whole life until its head was cut off with a golden axe. Now that it has been a while and the initial phase of it being packed like a gym in January has died down, I decided to see what it was all about.

I was not so much shocked by the fact that a tablespoon of almonds was $7.99 because that reputation had preceded it. What I was amazed by was the plethora of attractive females. I mean, let’s be serious. It’s on 132 and you are bound to get some hefty lost K-Mart shoppers, but for the most part, it was MILF city.

I wasn’t the only one who realized this either. Normally, a man will go shopping for one meal at a time, if he even gets that far, before just ordering a pizza. But these men had carts full of all types of food I had never heard of. They knew what it had taken me less than 15 minutes to figure out; Whole Foods is the best place on the Cape to pick up women.

I’m not saying you can’t go hang out on Main Street at 1 a.m. and find a girl with a broken heel and some vomit in her hair and convince her you’re Mark Wahlberg’s cousin. But that’s not what I’m talking about here. These women are not hammered drunk, they clearly have the income to be paying way too much for asparagus, and have some respect for the food that goes into their body.

This is an older crowd, so there is one main thing you need to look out for: Married women. Although the temptation is there, these woman are not getting the money from just anywhere and the last thing you wanna do is try pick up a cop’s wife, no matter how easy Whole Foods makes it. No problem, though! You can always easily see a wedding ring when a women is pushing a cart. So take a gander at the ring finger and if it’s clear, then good. If not, keep it moving to the organic toiletries isle.

Normally, women with these characteristics are the uptight pretentious women who would not give guys like me a shot in a bar. In fact, when I get close, they usually hand me their empty glasses thinking that I’m the bus boy. In Whole Foods, though, I’m just another guy who prefers tuna that’s not from a can.

Breaking the ice is simple. Ask them a question like “excuse me, do you know how to tell if an avocado is ripe?” You will actually sound genuine because (if you are a man) you do not know the answer. As long as you have some manners and a hint of charm, you can work the conversation from there. If not, go the next day and try again. The beauty of Whole Foods is that nobody ever shops there two days in a row.



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Attention Hippies – Trader Joe’s Chicken Sausage Recall

By Hippie

23 Apr

trader joe's cape cod

CapeCodTimes.com – Trader Joe’s customers who bought the chain’s Sweet Apple Chicken Sausage are urged to throw it out amid concerns plastic may have made its way into the packages.

The U.S. Department of Agriculture announced this week that Massachusetts-based sausage maker Kayem Foods is recalling more than 59,000 pounds of the product.

The recall is for 8-ounce sausage packages sold at Trader Joe’s stores nationwide and marked with expiration dates of April 22, 25 and 29. Customers can return the product for a full refund at any Trader Joe’s.

The USDA says no one has eaten the recalled meat so far, and that there is a remote chance of negative health effects if someone does.

Trader Joe’s shoppers are such a bunch of wusses. They recalled some sausage because of a little plastic? Most stores chicken sausage has beaks and toenails in it on purpose, a little accidental plastic wouldn’t even be a blip on the radar. You sign a social contract when you decide to eat sausage knowing you are taking the risk of ingesting something completely foreign, that’s the sausage deal.

Everyone needs to just chill out and man up a little bit. We’ve come a long way with food safety, ten years ago there was probably pure mercury in our chicken sausage, now all we have to deal with is a little free range, non GMO plastic? What Trader Joe’s issues mass recalls for, I call progress, I guess I’m just a 100% pure, recycled spring water bottle is half full kind of guy.



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The Kennedy Bloodline Is Safe – Patrick Schwarzenegger and Miley Cyrus Broke Up

By Hippie

21 Apr

miley patrick

People – Miley Cyrus and Patrick Schwarzenegger appeared to be mending their relationship after going through a tough time last month, but a source confirms to PEOPLE the couple have broken up.

“It’s not a break,” says a source close to the couple. “It’s done.”

By all accounts, the split is amicable. (Reps did not immediately respond for comment.)

“They’re just in two different places in their lives – he’s in college and she’s focused on her music and career,” says the source.

It’s about time. Kennedy’s aren’t supposed to wife up a brazen hussy like Miley. Kennedy’s blow too many lines and get caught coming out of the club at 4 a.m. with girls like Miley. Kennedy’s leave girls like Miley under Chappaquiddick bridges.

Thank god Patrick smarten up before the Kennedy bloodline was tainted by this…

Billy-Ray-Cyrus

Imagine the Ray Cyrus clan showing up to a family reunion? Talk about breaking Ethel’s achy breaky heart. The last thing we need is Miley coming into the compound like a wrecking ball, twerking all over Hyannisport, and dropping a litter of mullet babies all over our peninsula.

Let’s all hope that Patrick has learned his lesson, I mean even his dad Arnold knows the difference between a side piece and a wife. Miley may have a couple bucks in her pocket, but all the money in the world isn’t curing Hepatitis C.



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A Victory For The Good Guys – Nauset Beach To Re Open For Oversand Vehicles

By Hippie

21 Apr

plover cape

CapeCod.com – The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has approved a groundbreaking plan that will allow increased access to Nauset Beach in Orleans for off-road vehicles during the nesting shorebird season.

The habitat conservation plan creates a way for vehicles to be escorted past piping plover chicks.

Nauset beach has been closed to off-road traffic for many years during the prime summer weeks once the birds hatch. The area remains off-limits until they fledge – which usually doesn’t happen until mid-to-late August.

The new plan includes measures to protect chicks on a nearly one-mile stretch of Nauset, including a pedestrian escort walking in front of each vehicle.

Chalk one up for rational thought! Nauset Beach will actually be open to humans again. It almost seems like the world has come to its senses… right up until you read the measures taken to get this deal done that is.

“Including a pedestrian escort walking in front of each vehicle”… did I really just read that? We have created a Piping Plover Secret Service now? How much does that cost? I suppose we are going to need to deploy a few good men to secure the beachgrassy knoll to make sure the area is clear of snipers as well? Maybe create a no fly zone above the Plovers patrolled by F-15’s with standing orders to shoot down hawks with SCUD missiles?

I would love to see someone tally up the amount of money we’ve spent so far on protection and legislation involving Plovers. I’m willing to bet the farm that it’s more than we’ve spent on Heroin abuse prevention and treatment. Maybe that’s the way to end the drug epidemic? Maybe we should divert all funds from Piping Plovers to heroin programs. Won’t happen though, obviously it’s more important to keep a few birds safe than it is to keep our own kids alive.



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