We Could Use This Guy That Graffitis Penises Around Potholes Here On Cape Cod

By Hippie

28 Apr

pothole

Jalopnik – in England and he spray paints dicks on things. And by God, he gets things done.

The Huffington Post reports that Wanksy, who takes his name from the famous graffiti artist Banksy, has been going around Greater Manchester spray-painting dicks on the potholes that mark the city’s streets. He started his anonymous crusade after some cyclist friends got hurt on the potholes.

And wouldn’t you know that he’s actually succeeded in getting some of them fixed? It turns out that while cities are usually happy to let potholes just sit in the middle of the road and destroy our wheels and suspensions, they get a new sense of urgency when those potholes are covered in unsightly drawings of dicks and balls. Who knew?

After the winter we just had on Cape Cod our roads look like the surface of the moon, and our towns aren’t exactly out there hustling getting them filled. We need this guy, he’s a genius. Nothing motivates the highway department like a politician screaming at them about ejaculating dicks.

While this guy’s tactics may have proven effective, I’ve actually come up with an even better solution tailor made for Cape Cod,…

potholeplover

Introducing the Cape Cod Piping Plover Pool and Spa. All I need to do is to trick one Plover into my scheme. When he gets pancaked by an F-350, the bug counters from the Seashore will be out in droves with shovels and gravel, filling in the holes in no time.

The best part of this plan is that when they are all out capping our Plover pools, we can sneak into the Seashore and feed chickadees out of our hands all day. Talk about a win/win situation for the people.

thanks to Jodi and Chris for the tips



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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony - Bonzai


Thank You Cape Cod

By Hippie

28 Apr

realcapehorizon

When we were planning this festival a lot of people told us it wouldn’t work, that things this big don’t happen on Cape Cod for a reason. We kept telling those people that they don’t know our readers, and we were right. The response to the 2015 Real Cape Music Festival has been amazing. We stepped our game and as we predicted you folks have as well. Once again, the lineup…

Special Guest Speaker – Boston Marathon Bombing Survivor – Jeff Bauman

The response has been so overwhelming that the discounted early bird tickets are going much faster than anticipated, they may even be gone by the end of the day, so act fast and save yourself the money by ordering ASAP. Once the $40 tix are gone the price jumps up to $50 and even then it’s looking like this show is going to sell out early. So just a friendly reminder, get your tix soon and don’t leave anything up to chance. Thank you so much everyone for supporting this festival, the more you support things like this the more we will do, and they’ll keep getting bigger and bigger.

CLICK HERE for the festival site, or buy tix below…



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Best News Ever – Pedi Cabs May Be Coming To Hyannis

By Hippie

27 Apr

cape cod pedi cab

CapeCodTimes.com – A plan to bring human-powered pedicab transportation to downtown Hyannis this summer is moving forward.

Barnstable Town Manager Thomas Lynch is currently reviewing a five-page draft of rules and regulations for the bicycle-like multiwheeled vehicles that transport passengers for hire.

Lynch said last week he is waiting to receive additional input from the town’s licensing committee and the police department, which will be jointly responsible for enforcing the rules and regulations. He anticipates that a public hearing on the matter will be held in May.

If the regulations are approved, a one-year pilot program will begin June 1. Only one company — Cape Cod Pedicabs — would be allowed to operate during the pilot period, and it would be limited to licensing five pedicabs to pick up fares in the downtown district. Cape Cod Pedicabs was established by Daniel Scandurra of West Barnstable and a business partner.

Being a pedi cab driver has to be the single worst job I could ever imagine doing. Manually toting drunken douchey tourists around from bar to bar on Hyannis Main St. is right at the top of the list of things you couldn’t pay me enough to do, it’s just after getting oral sex from a piranha, and right before jabbing sewing needles under my fingernails.

On the flip side, being toted around drunk from bar to bar sounds like an absolute blast. Naying at the sub human driver like a horse and whipping him with my belt while yelling that he’s gonna end up in the glue factory if I miss last call seems like a nice little Saturday night in Hy Town.

Now we just need to answer the big question; Do open container laws apply in the back of a pedi cab? Are they like limos and you can drink, or like cars and it’s illegal? If drinking is allowed, then giddy up! The hipster drivers better start some Lance Armstrong level blood doping programs because The Real Cape will be riding pedi cabs on pub crawls from Provincetown to Woods Hole. Somebody get A-Rod’s personal trainer on the phone, stat.



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The Real Cape Music Festival 2015 Lineup Is Here

By Hippie

27 Apr

realcapehorizon

Here it is folks, The Real Cape Music Festival lineup. We figured the only way to top last year was to go bigger, and boy did we go bigger. Without further ado, here is the 2015 lineup…

Special Guest Speaker – Boston Marathon Bombing Survivor – Jeff Bauman

Our MC will once again be PIXY 103‘s Matty B

This year, because of the size of the show, we will be constructing two custom stages in one of the bigger fields at The Cape Cod Fairgounds to accommodate the extra level of madness that is sure to ensue. Bigger bands, more vendors, tons of food, beer and wine, live artists, you name it, we’ve got it going on. This is going to be the single biggest party Cape Cod has seen in a long, long time, you don’t want to be the one person that misses it. Oh and hey Fun Police, don’t forget to tip your waiter, because you just got served.

As a special thanks to all of The Real Cape readers we are putting early bird tickets on sale for just $40. There is a very limited number of these and when they are gone they are gone, so jump on ordering them A.S.A.P. The price will bump up to $50 once the early bird tix are gone.

Make Sure to CLICK HERE to visit the festival website for more details.

Tix on sale below (or the fest site)



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The Cape Cod National Seashore Has Officially Lost Its Marbles

By Hippie

27 Apr

chickadee

CapeCodTimes.com – At Beech Forest, it takes only a few minutes of quiet waiting with an open palm full of sunflower seeds to get a chickadee to land on your hand.

In a new initiative, the Cape Cod National Seashore would like to end the tradition by visitors and locals of feeding the chickadees as a practice harmful to the birds and illegal under federal law. In response, some question the Seashore’s focus on chickadees when there are larger maintenance issues such as an eroding parking lot at Herring Cove Beach in Provincetown. Others said there is value in allowing people generally interested in nature to have a close interaction with birds.

Oh cut the shit Seashore. Who the hell do you think you are? If a bird wants to eat something out of my hand, that is between me and the bird. Go donate a kidney to a Piping Plover or something and stay out of our business. It’s bad enough that you already think it’s OK to tell us how to run our lives, but now you’re making up bird laws? What happens if you catch a chickadee eating out of someone’s hand? Will the chickadee get 6 months in the House of Correction?

Talk about acting completely tapioca. What’s next? Are these wackos gonna levy fines to anyone that gives their dog a treat? Maybe start throwing people in jail at the petting zoo? I for one will not stand for this, next time I see a chickadee it’s getting a steak and cheese sub and a big ol’ french kiss. Try to stop me.



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Yarmouth House Of Horrors Sold!

By Hippie

24 Apr

yarmouth troubled house

YPD Facebook – TROUBLED HOUSE SOLD!

38 Jerusha Lane in West Yarmouth, the source of over 100 police incidents involving fights, drugs, overdoses, animal abuse, and other violent crimes over the past few years, has just been officially sold. Plans are being filed to renovate and restore the home.

Solid teamwork and community policing by town of Yarmouth Police, Fire, Natural Resources, Building, Health, Finance, Administration, and the Board of Selectmen led to the reduction of the repeated calls, strict enforcement of all laws and building, health, and safety codes, and the subsequent sale of the home.

This nice neighborhood will now have a vastly improved quality of life and peace restored.

Well done everyone!

Holy crap that must have been some house. Who lived there, the Wareham family Robinson? I’ve never heard of a police department rejoicing over the sale of a home before. Do you see how many departments were involved in getting these people out? Yarmouth did everything but hire Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey to chase whatever deliverance style family was in there out of town.

The big question is where did all of the inhabitants go? I don’t want to stick my nose in where it doesn’t belong but if they are such big fans of fights, drugs, overdoses, animal abuse and other violent crimes then we should probably ship them down to Alabama. That list isn’t a list of crimes down there, it’s a lifestyle.



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Are You Looking For A Job? The Real Cape Is Hiring – Salary + Commission

By Hippie

24 Apr

help wanted

We are getting close to the summer season and The Real Cape is growing exponentially. We are looking to hire a full time advertising sales manager. This position comes with a competitive base salary plus commission and will include digital sales as well as offline sponsorship management for the many big events we have lined up.

Experience is a must, preferably in ad sales or a strong sales background in other industries if specific to Cape Cod. Candidates must be able to work independently and since we always have multiple irons in the fire, adaptability is a must.

To apply please send a resume to info@therealcape.com and we will set up an interview. We are looking to fill this position ASAP.



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