Ever Wonder What These Things Are?

By Hippie

19 Dec

skate egg

Holy shit, that’s what those things are? I always thought they were just something mother nature put there for kids to stab each other with. Learn something new everyday.

P.S. Here come the “Any REAL Cape Codder would know what those are” comments. You got me, it’s time to come clean. I’m actually in Arkansas and I just decided out of nowhere to dedicate my life to writing about Cape Cod.

h/t to Atlantic White Shark Conservancy

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Cape Cod Domino’s Delivery Drivers To Start Carrying Narcan

By Hippie

19 Dec


YouCray.com –  In a highly controversial move, it was announced today that Domino’s delivery drivers on Cape Cod will start carrying the opiate reversal drug Narcan.

“We just felt that since these delivery drivers frequently interact with hungry people, and since people that use drugs, do in fact get hungry, this move would make sense.” said Marty McDouche, the head of the Cape Cod Council of Dunces. “Anything we can do in order to inhibit people from being able to do their actual job, we are going to do it.”

When asked about the new policy, Domino’s driver Ronny Itsnotmyjob said “Even though it is not even on the same planet as our job description, and we didn’t ever sign on to be medics, we think it is totally fair to burden us with the responsibility of saving peoples lives in a manner that totally contradicts the job we are trained to do.” He then added, “I hope I don’t forget it like I forget everyone’s soda every single freaking time.”

Every Domino’s employee interviewed for this story was all for the new policy when asked to speak on the record and in public. But, immediately after the recorders were turned off and they didn’t think anyone could hear them, they collectively muttered under their breath that the move was in fact “total bullshit.”

One can only hope that this trend will continue into other professions. One resident pointed out that drug users “go to the store sometimes so 7-Eleven clerks should definitely have it too”. Dan McDumdum of Orleans said that he thinks UPS drivers should also carry Narcan. “Hey, what if a drug user orders something from Amazon and it comes right when he just Od’d? We supposed to just let him die?” McDumdum said in what was originally thought to be a sarcastic manner, but was later revealed to actually be serious.

In related news, there will be a Cape wide meeting to determine whether or not guns and badges should be given to cab drivers because sometimes they see crimes happen when they are driving around and also because it seems that everyone wants to completely ignore job descriptions these days.

Dear Everyone,

This is a great idea, we totally agree with this.


The Real Cape

P.S. When you first read this headline and your immediate reaction was “That’s stupid, that makes no sense”? Yeah, think about that for a sec.


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One Of The Afghan Soldiers That Ran Away From Otis Was Allowed To Go To Canada

By Hippie

18 Dec


WBUR – One of three Afghan military officers detained after fleeing a U.S. training exercise to avoid returning to Afghanistan has been allowed to make a refugee claim in Canada, his attorney said Wednesday.

U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement turned over Capt. Mohammad Nasir Askarzada to Canadian authorities on Tuesday, spokesman Khaalid Walls confirmed.

Askarzada, along with Maj. Jan Arash and Capt. Noorullah Aminyar, took a cab from Massachusetts to New York in September and walked into Niagara Falls, Ontario, to seek refugee status.

So one of the Afghan dudes that ran away from the base and went to Zachary’s to see some T&A was allowed into Canada? It makes perfect sense if you think about it. Dude’s probably neck deep in Canadian boobies in the champagne room at Club Supersexe as we speak.

How jealous are this guys buddies back in Afghanistan? He’s in the stripper capital of the world and meanwhile they’re stuck in a desert trying to peek under their arranged fiances burka to see what 3 goats and sheep will get you these days.

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Half Of Those Adorable 420 Sq. Ft. Cottages In Truro Are Sold

By Hippie

18 Dec

days cottages for sale

Cape Cod Curbed – Half of Truro’s adorable Days Cottages have already found buyers. We reached out to listing agent Gregg Russo of 3Harbors Realty and he let us know via email that the 22 beachfront icons “are half sold with two closing in January and the other 9 closing in April.” To refresh, the Beach Point 2BR, 1BA 420-square-footers, commonly referred to as the flower cottages, hit the market as condos in mid-October after spending over eight decades as summer rentals “known throughout the world.”

Not surprisingly, Russo expects the remaining 11 units to sell during the “dead of winter, as people want to buy for the coming summer season.” In other words, the opportunity to drop $399,000 to own part of “the most painted and photographed cottage colony on the Outer Cape” won’t last much longer.

Cape Cod ladies and gentlemen, where a shipping container with windows costs $399,000! What a steal. If you airlifted one of these things to Alabama and put it on the market it would list for $3.27, and that’s with 200 acres of land. What more proof do you need that you live in one of the most desirable places on earth than the fact that people are willing to shell out almost $1,ooo per square foot for a cabin?

P.S. At least you get tons of privacy for the money.

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Heroin Addict OD’s Twice In A Week – Revived By Police Both Times

By Hippie

18 Dec


CCT – An alleged heroin dealer was arrested early Wednesday morning following his second overdose at a Yarmouth motel in a week. According to a Yarmouth police release, officers were dispatched to the Bayside Resort at 225 Roue 28 in West Yarmouth for an unresponsive male. Upon arrival, officers revived the man by using the opioid-reversing drug Narcan.

The man was identified as 50-year-old Edward M. Matz III of 25 Water Street, Apt. 2 in Milford, MA. Matz was transported to Cape Cod Hospital following the incident. This would be the second time Matz was revived during a heroin overdose in one week, police said. Earlier in the week, officers responded to the Ambassador Inn on Route 28 in South Yarmouth where Matz was also given Narcan following an overdose.

This is probably going to cause an uproar, but this is the problem with police carrying Narcan. If there is one consistency with addicts it’s that if you give them an inch they take 300 miles. Police carrying Narcan will give addicts a sense of entitlement to it, it’s like a safety net that they will eventually begin to rely on. They know that if they happen to OD they get a do over, it’s like Groundhog day for addicts.

Deep down the cops can’t be happy about this added weight on their shoulders. When a cop responds to a scene they rely on their training and their instinct is to secure the area, make sure there is no public threat, they can’t properly do that if they are playing EMT. We don’t give paramedics handcuffs and guns, why do we give police Narcan? Saving lives is great and all, but this is going to cause problems, mark my words.

At some point, addicts are going to get so used to cops saving their lives that they will look at it as a right. Eventually a police officer is going to have to make a choice, save a person that OD’d or do the job he is trained to do and be cop and someone will die. Then some family member blinded by grief is going to sue. At some point police are going to be held responsible for medical treatment and sued over something they weren’t meant to do in the first place that is way outside of the scope of their job description. The possibility of this will eventually hinder their ability to do their job and put their life at risk. It’s not right for us to put them in that position.

Cue the comments calling me a heartless bastard…

P.S. Before you get all pissy saying this guy has a disease and is a victim, take a look at this…

“Looking into Matz’s criminal history, police discovered 142 prior criminal charges in Massachusetts, several of which were felony drug dealing charges. Based on these findings, officers searched Matz’s room at the Bayside Resort where they seized 29 knotted, corner-cut baggies each containing heroin.”

So should a police officer be more worried about reviving this guy, or if there’s another dude in the bathroom with a machine gun?

P.S. Just wanted to remind everyone that compassion for drug addicts and the opinion that police should be police and medics should be medics can both exist in a person at the same time.

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Judge Rejects Anti Heritage Zip Line Fun Police AGAIN – But They Still Aren’t Done

By Hippie

18 Dec

heritage zip lines

CapeCodOnline.com – A Barnstable Superior Court judge denied a request to shut down construction of a zip line park at Heritage Museums & Gardens.

On Friday, Judge Robert Rufo denied a preliminary injunction aimed at stopping the building of the adventure park in the treetops of 4 acres of the museum property in Sandwich.

The plaintiffs, residents of the neighborhood surrounding Heritage, argued that the project’s building permit and the historic district’s certificate of appropriateness were unlawful because Heritage used incorrect lot numbers on the application and more than 100 abutters who live nearby weren’t notified as required.

Rufo found that the plaintiffs didn’t provide enough factual support for their assertions that the park poses an immediate risk of irreparable harm, the decision said.

Carlo DiPersio, one of four neighbors who led a failed effort to appeal the project’s building permit, said on Saturday that while some neighbors are upset with Rufo’s decision, the injunction would mean very little as the park is only weeks away from completion.

DiPersio said that the neighbors intend to contact the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency because of a Sandwich arborist’s claim that the park is killing 100-year-old pitch pine trees in the area.

Let’s re cap this ongoing saga shall we? So far the neighbors of Heritage Gardens have tried to stop this zip line park for kids because it will attract an undesirable demographic to their fancy neighborhood, because Heritage didn’t ask them first, because of traffic, because it’s an eyesore (even though you can’t see it from the street), I could go on and on but we’d be here all day.

So far this handful of people have appealed these zip lines (on private property) to the building department, the zoning board, the clerk magistrate, and they have also sued the town, the building inspector, AND each individual on the Zoning Board of Appeals. Every single appeal, injunction and lawsuit has been denied. Remember, we are talking about some ropes, in some trees, for some kids to play on.

Now, in the face of all of this rejection, these people are going to go to the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency to get it shut down on behalf of the trees. We all know what the definition of insane is right? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Well on a scale of 1 – Gary Busey, these people are a 37.

We have officially entered into a vortex of fun police where the busy bodyness has become so strong that it has bent the time, space continuum. While reading this article time was suspended and energy slowed to such a low vibration that I could see the fun police as binary code in the Matrix and I realized that they are a computer program designed to complain about arbitrary shit in their neighborhoods.

Listen, and understand. Carlo DiPersio is out there. He can’t be bargained with. He can’t be reasoned with. He doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And he absolutely will not stop, ever, until the Heritage Garden zip lines are dead… Where is John Connor when you need him?

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Mashpee Selectman And Town Manager Give Themselves A Nice Vacation

By Hippie

18 Dec


CapeNews.net - Mashpee Board of Selectmen, at the request of town manager Joyce M. Mason, voted 4-1 Monday night, December 15, to close the town’s municipal buildings, with the exception of public safety departments, on Friday, December 26, the day after Christmas.

“We would have to open up our buildings and heat them for one day, so I would ask the board to consider closing the town offices on Friday,” Ms. Mason said.

She also noted that her request was based on conserving heating resources, and that the day after Christmas is typically not very busy or productive.

“Not much work gets done on that day, and it is expensive to open the buildings,” selectman Michael R. Richardson said.

Must be nice to have the power to shut down the town when you want a day off. At least they had a couple of great excuses though. Having to heat the buildings? In December? What a nuisance. Not to mention, nobody was actually going to do their job that day anyway, it’s not a very productive day.

News Flash Mashpee, if we start taking a day off every time we need to to turn on the heat or no work gets done, we’d need to shut down everything north of Georgia every Monday and Friday from October to April.

Let’s do an experiment, everybody give this a shot with your boss, tell them you want the day off because you’re not planning on doing shit all day anyway. Make sure to report back to us how that works out for you.

P.S. All kidding aside, this is awesome for the town employees, it’s not often you get a snow day as an adult.

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