Vineyard Gazette – An uncommon visitor turned up in Edgartown harbor this weekend: a juvenile African pompano, an iridescent tropical fish that likely drifted north from waters off the southern United States.

The sighting was reported this weekend by longtime squid fisherman Janet Messineo, who spotted the fish swimming in Edgartown harbor before it was caught. What she thought was a weed sped off through the harbor.

Later, she got a better look at what she describes as “a beautiful tropical-looking fish with tendrils.” It was her first encounter with the species.

Ms. Messineo was there at around 10 p.m. Saturday when a local squid fisherman caught a squid on a jig. As the squid was being pulled onto Memorial Dock, it grabbed the African pompano.

After the squid and the fish were on the dock, Ms. Messineo held the juvenile fish briefly in her hand before letting it go.

NOOOO! Don’t throw the Ebola fish back! Quarantine the damn thing in an Outbreak tent! What the hell is wrong with this lady?

More importantly why are we still letting fish from Africa anywhere near the United States? Ebola has killed more people in this country than we’ve sent to Jupiter in a Buick! How many people have to die before we take this threat seriously? Two? CLOSE THE BORDERS!

You thought Katharine the shark was scary, she’s nothing compared to a fish that will turn your organs into a soup that comes out of your eyeballs. First Ebola Nurse up in Maine is galavanting around on her mountain bike and now this lady is just tossing Ebola Fish around like she’s playing freaking Bocce. When will people start realizing that 1 out of every 316,100,000 Americans die of Ebola? Oh the humanity!

P.S. I still can’t believe the CDC hasn’t contacted me about the cure I discovered for Ebola weeks ago.

CapeCodOnline.com – One of the chief complaints voiced by opponents of NStar’s annual herbicide treatment on land beneath its power lines is that members of the public are not told specifically when their areas will be treated.

That lack of information was evident Wednesday when a group of protesters gathered outside NStar’s service center on Willow Street to demonstrate against the use of herbicide applications, which they believed had just recently gotten underway on the Cape.

A spokesman from NStar told the Times just hours after the rally that the treatments are in fact nearly finished, and crews should be out of the area by the end of this week.

Residents in Bourne, Chatham, Dennis, Falmouth, Harwich, Sandwich, Truro, Yarmouth and Wellfleet had been notified in late summer that the utility company would be spraying in their towns and that work could continue until Dec. 31.

But work will instead wrap up by NStar’s target date of Oct. 31.

“It’s been going quite well, and we’ve done everything,” NStar spokesman Michael Durand said.

We’ve written about NStar poisoning us before, but I may need to switch sides on this issue if they keep this up. At this point they are just getting so cocky you almost have to respect it. Not giving a fuck is one of our favorite things here at The Real Cape and NStar is reinventing the “not giving a fuck” game right now. Someone asked NStar about when their highly controversial herbicide campaign on Cape Cod might end and their spokesman’s response was just like…

“Oh we’re pretty much done, yeah, the poisoning is going so well that we’re actually way ahead of schedule. You saw the size of that big truck sprayer right? That thing is awesome. We’ve poisoned almost everything already, the ground, the water, the trees, yeah it’s been a GREAT year for poisoning people, it’s almost as if the poison has spread itself. Yup, if all goes to plan we should be done poisoning you guys any day now”

Such an amazingly cool, calm, and collected yet simultaneously evil response. I think they pulled a Jedi mind trick on me and now I’m actually proud of how efficiently they are able to contaminate our entire peninsula. NStar is kind of like Walter White from Breaking Bad or Jax Teller from Sons of Anarchy now. They are evil, I know they are evil, they do evil things, but I find myself rooting for them for some reason.

CapeCodOnline.com – When a woman’s parrot flew off her shoulder outside a Cohasset Avenue bank Wednesday morning, a Bourne firefighter came to the rescue.

At 11:30 a.m., the fire department received a call from Santander Bank, where a woman lost her bird, Ozzy, Deputy Fire Chief Joseph Carrara said. The woman was leaving the bank with the yellow-naped Amazon parrot on her shoulder when it flew off into a nearby tree, he said.

Firefighter Matthew Langler responded to the scene with a 16-foot ladder, but it didn’t reach Ozzy, who was perched on a branch about 25 feet from the ground, Carrara said.

Langler climbed the remaining 10 feet on his own and took hold of the bird.

“He got his finger bit and he bled a little,” Carrara said, adding that the firefighter did not need medical attention.

The parrot made some noises but didn’t speak during the incident, Carrara said.

This right here is a perfect example of why firefighters and EMT’s are true heroes, and I am 100% dead serious when I say that. Saving human lives from a burning building is one thing, that makes sense to me. I can understand the adrenalin rush taking over when they are risking life and limb to rescue people whose lives are in danger. I can totally see why the personal rewards of helping people when they are faced with possible death can make for a gratifying profession.

What I can NOT understand is why any human being would feel in any way obligated to rescue some random persons parrot because they thought it was a good idea to bring it with them to the fucking bank. To me this would be a clear cut “you want your parrot, you go up in the tree and get it” situation. Should have put that thing on a leash sweetheart, didn’t you notice the fucking wings on its back?

But this Langler guy? This guy doesn’t even hesitate to Tarzan his way up a tree to get a total stranger her bird back. That takes a selfless person with a pure heart and an intense love for the earth and all of her creatures, a true hero. That takes someone who is basically the complete opposite of me. If some lady outside of the bank asked me to get her bird out of a tree, I would have laughed, hit the ATM, and found the nearest bar to tell everyone the hilarious story about the time a total stranger thought I would give a shit about her stupid bird.

Thank god for firefighters huh?

P.S. The parrot made some noises but didn’t speak? See what I mean? The ungrateful prick didn’t even say thank you.

CapeCodOnline.com – According to local paranormal investigators, renovations to the Hyannis Public Library have not spooked the spirits that reside there.

In 2009, the MPI designated the wing a Certified Haunted Location after an investigation using digital voice recorders and natural electromagnetic frequency meters revealed the presence of what the team concluded were spirits. This July, the group came back to determine if renovations to the Main Street library have chased the ghosts from their dwelling.

“Libraries, museums, schools, are the most active,” MPI’s founder Dave Sircom, of Yarmouth Port, told the group. “It happens a lot during renovations.”

A group of about 50 people shuddered when Sircom played voice recordings from both investigations.

“We could leave you alone if that’s what you would like,” Sircom said to what he believed was a lurking spirit during the July investigation.

Soon after, muffled with static, a child’s voice was heard.

“That would be nice,” it whispered.

Later in the investigation, the group asked the child its name, and they, as well as many of the members of the audience listening to the recording, heard it reply: “Nathan.”

Listen, I read stuff on the internet all day log so I have a pretty good sense of what’s real and what isn’t. The Massachusetts Paranormal Institute doesn’t just go around certifying hauntedness for no reason. When an institute concludes that there is spirits, it’s best you don’t rile their asses up with renovations just before Halloween. This is the Massachusetts Paranormal INSTITUTE we are talking about here, institutes don’t fuck around. Ever heard of a little place called MIT? I’m pretty sure the two are affiliated.

So my advice to these 50 people that “shuddered” when Nathan the ghost said he wanted to be left alone would be to respect his wishes. There’s a 98% chance he is the key master. Do you know what happens if you piss him off and he finds the gate keeper? If you think Nathan is scary, wait until Gozer Gozerian comes after your ass. Just let sleeping ghosts lie and shut the library down until December.

P.S. In related news, 50 people in Hyannis desperately need to get laid.