If You Don’t like Hot Pockets You’re a Psycho

I hate when people analyze my eating habits. And by habits I mean lack thereof because eating is the absolute worst. The most recent offender of this was a guy at work. He invited me to lunch and I declined stating that I had already eaten.

Fat Boy Slim: “Gum doesn’t count, Jenny”

Me: “Shut up, I’m not hungry”

Fat Boy Slim: “In the last two weeks the only thing I’ve seen you consume is licorice and coffee”

It’s not that I don’t eat, because I do, it’s just that I have weird taste and/or habits. I eat brussels sprouts for dinner at least three nights a week. Like just as is, not as a side. I went through a popcorn phase, too, and go through a box of freeze pops a week. I often find cheeseburgers in my purse and, on occasion, would literally give a toe for french fries.

I just get really annoyed and think it’s super rude to call people out on what they eat or how often. I made the mistake of mentioning to Fat Boy Slim that I had eaten nothing but Hot Pockets all week because I was on crutches and needed hands-free food and he has not let me live it down since.

He’ll insert a Hot Pocket jab at the most random and nonsensical times. He was late for a meeting last week and I made a wise ass comment, his response:

“Sorry I was waiting for my Hot Pocket to defrost”

Fucking liar! Those literally take 3-6 months to defrost without the aid of a microwave.

I made fun of him for passing on a beer Friday after work. He says,

“I don’t want to start drinking, I’m going to the gym – sorry I don’t eat Hot Pockets for dinner”

That literally makes no sense. And I didn’t even eat Hot Pockets, I ate LEAN Pockets which have like 110 calories, are made from whole wheat crust and contained nothing but broccoli because frozen meat reminds me of road kill. Sorry I don’t like chewing.

Fat Boy Slim: the only thing you’re verifying by constantly making fun of Hot Pockets is that you probs buy them in bulk at BJ’s and that you’re obsessed with me.

I hate when people know I eat.

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