I woke up this morning hungover, started looking at Facebook on my phone, and was getting pelted with stupid lists about why I am this way, how I know I grew up in the ’90’s, or how to tell I have the absolute bestest BFF in the entire world.

I was just about to puke when I realized these lists were actually making me physically ill, so I came up with my own list, to make you physically ill, to make myself feel better. The list of ways to know when you’ve completely OD’d on random internet lists. Why 11? Because it’s more than ten, duh.

11. You really think that you’re “spontaneous yet organized and stubborn but fair” just because your parents named you Tiffany.

10. You think that Zach from Saved By The Bell was the voice of a generation.

9. You keep telling everyone that if you were an animal you’d be a polar bear because you’re “cute and welcoming on the outside, but don’t take any crap from anyone either“.

8. You are actually thinking about moving to San Francisco because you have 13 out the 14 traits on ViralNova’s list of reasons to move there. (Cut it out, you aren’t actually a hippie, you just like comfortable clothes and organic salads)

7. You think that because you recognize a photo of the Bourne Bridge, you’re an expert on Cape Cod.

6. This sentence has come out of your mouth- “OMG number 3 on this random list I found on Facebook is totally the reason we are BFF’s.”

5. You’re convinced that you and a redwood tree actually share a lot of the same traits.

4. You think that Matt Dillon is your soul mate just because Singles is you’re favorite movie from the 90’s. (It’s EVERYONE’S favorite movie from the 90’s, dumb ass)

3. You needed a Buzzfeed post to realize that Nickelback sucks.

2. You think the Olsen Twins being growing up is a sure sign that you’re getting old. Well no shit Sherlock, they are human and they age at the same speed as you.

1. You are truly convinced that you NEED to try the Nutella donut at The Kangaroo Cafe in Roanoke, Virginia before you die. (You don’t)

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Phase two of The Real Cape TV show begins now. We will be going into production for the TV show in the next few weeks. The Real Cape crew will be getting into all kinds of crazy situations all over the Cape with camera crew in tow, but we are still open to suggestions. So if you or someone you know either has a very Capey, or out of the ordinary job, or you have an event going on in the next few weeks on the Cape that you think is TV worthy then we want to hear from you.

Our goal is to show the underbelly of Cape Cod, we want to get into the Cape that we all know and love. Not the shit you see in brochures, but The Real Cape (see what I did there).

Send us an email to [email protected] with any tips and please share this post with anyone you know who is up to something cool on the peninsula.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

CapeCodTimes.com – Joseph Glynn, plunging into the sometimes turbulent waters of local politics for the first time, decided to make a big splash: signing on to run for every office on Yarmouth’s local ballot this spring.

The 52-year-old U.S. Army combat veteran and former Boston firefighter-EMT, picked up his nomination papers from the town clerk’s office last Friday for Board of Selectmen, Dennis-Yarmouth Regional School Committee and Yarmouth Housing Authority.

He gathered the required 50 registered voter signatures for each position during Saturday’s St. Patrick’s Parade, and turned them in to Town Hall Tuesday afternoon.

His campaign slogan is already posted on his Facebook page: “Elect Your Regular Everyday Joe.” On the page, he promises a “meet and greet event” on St. Patrick’s Day, numerous coffee hours around town for the public to enjoy “regular Joe Conversations over a Regular Joe.”

Regular Joe? More like the 2nd coming of Che Guevara. Is this even legal? Aren’t there rules in the Yarmouth constitution about checks and balances and consolidation of town power?

Listen, I don’t know Joe Glynn, he’s probably a great guy and has` wonderful intentions, but I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t write about a guy coming out of nowhere and running for every single office in town. Not to mention he got on the ballots by getting a bunch of drunk people in styrofoam leprechaun top hats to sign his nomination papers. That should be illegal in its own right, those people were so drunk and confused they thought they were actually Irish.

Like I said, maybe Joe is just what he seems and nothing more. I’m sure everything will be fine. But just in case, if he does win and in three months Yarmouth secedes and becomes a Chinese territory, don’t come crying to me. I warned you Yarmouth, I’d sure up your militia now just in case.

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Topix – The Barnstable police report said that Scott F. Warren swung the bat at the man outside the Salvation Army in Hyannis on Jan. 23 after the two men argued about dividing proceeds from selling scrap metal in New Bedford. The victim said he fought Warren in self-defense after Warren grabbed a knife from the center console of the car in which they were both sitting.

Everybody check your outside showers to make sure the copper pipes are still there. I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that bats and knives aren’t coming out at The Salvation Army in a dispute over the proceeds from perfectly legal scrap metal sold in New Beige.

This just proves one of my steadfast rules in life. Don’t ever leave the scrap yard without divvying up the dough first. Next thing you know Dude Guy falls in love with a leisure suit at the Salvation Army and decides he needs more cash. If that’s not a perfect recipe for assault with a deadly weapon then I don’t know what is.

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Well I guess it’s pretty obvious that everyone in the newsroom at USA Today is monitoring The Real Cape. They probably have like five reporters just combing the entire site at all times.

Sorry to be short with this post but we’ve got more national news to break, we just got word that some dude broke into Dunkin’ Donuts in Falmouth. Apparently he fell through the ceiling tiles and his shoe fell off… it’s a real Cinderella situation.

big thanks to Tom Loring for the tip

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MVGazette – A complex and groundbreaking project that aims to bring back the heath hen is advancing “at lightning speed,” scientists said this week.

The small bird that is a member of the grouse family went extinct more than 80 years ago when the last known male died on Martha’s Vineyard.

Now, using DNA plucked from the toes of heath hen specimens in Canada and Chicago, DNA samples from a greater prairie chicken from the plains of Nebraska and funding from donors with Vineyard ties, a team of scientists from around the country hopes to complete the first phase of the heath hen de-extinction project by early summer.

Even if the effort falls short of its end goal — to bring the heath hen back into existence — scientists involved said the quest to bring back a long-lost bird could help existing bird species.

“This has opened up the idea whereby we might approach many species,” said Tom Chase, a Vineyard conservationist who is a key advisor for the project. “It’s probably not just a Vineyard, heath hen thing anymore. It’s probably much bigger than that.”

This has to be a joke right? Is anyone going to bring up the 800 pound gorilla in the room (or should I say neanderthal)? Have none of these people seen Jurassic Park?

I say we stop the ferries and the flights right now just to be safe. Sure, it might be just a little chicken today, but we’ve all seen how fast that shit escalates. One minute you’re enjoying a Bad Martha IPA at the snack bar and the next thing you know you’re getting chased through the cargo hold by a freakin’ Velociraptor.

How about the fact they are doing this shit it on an island? How cliche can you possibly get? On the bright side, I guess when The Vineyard gets overrun by giant zombie death chickens we can evacuate it and just let them have it.

P.S. Uh oh, here’s a live look at my water glass… looks like it’s already too late…

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photo by Dapixara

CapeCodTimes.com – After the pummeling of the past two months, Boston has found itself on the cusp of a city record for snowfall, needing just shy of 2 inches to match the 107.6 inches amassed in 1995-96.

But Cape Cod, in the words of National Weather Service spokesman Bill Simpson, is “not close to a record.”

Measuring snow is almost more of an art than a science, with observers having to take drifting into account, careful not to dip their rulers into snow from a previous accumulation. And any talk of records must take into account that snowfalls have only been documented in recent history, with phrases such as “recorded history” or “100-year record” stopping short of anything too definitive.

Listen Mr. National Weather Whatever Guy, you can dip your ruler right into your own ass as far as I’m concerned. I don’t care about drifting, previous accumulation, recorded history or any of that crap. This is the worst winter on Cape Cod in the history of everything, simple as that. Yesterday, a Woolly Mammoth wandered into my backyard and immediately killed himself when he saw how much snow there was. Bob Dylan officially changed the lyrics to “you don’t need a weatherman to tell how much this winter blows”. That’s how bad it is.

So, the National Weather Whoever can sit in whatever office they are in, keep doppling each other’s barometers, and tell us this winter is “not close to a record” all they want. Meanwhile, the people that actually live on Cape Cod will all unanimously tell you that on the crazy scale of 1-10, this winter is Gary Busey.

Freakin’ Al Gore. The dude invents global warming, sells out to Al Jazeera, and we never see his ass again. I knew those hanging chads would come back to bite us in the ass. It’s all Florida’s fault really.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony