Globe – Amid your rhythmic footfalls, Falmouth Road Race landmarks come and go. The Nobska lighthouse. The flat miles along the Vineyard Sound. The loop around the inner harbor. You check your watch at each mile marker. Right on pace. As the beachside finish nears, the crowds grow larger and louder. You sprint beneath a giant American flag, cross the line 150 yards later, and find a bank of photographers clicking away. Then, with the satisfaction of a race well run, you step off your treadmill.

Welcome to the world of remote road-race participation.

For the first time, runners can enter Falmouth as remote participants and experience a virtual version of the 7-mile course on their treadmills. To make it all possible, the 43-year-old race partnered with Hopkinton-based Outside Interactive. At the heart of the system is the company’s Virtual Runner app and high-definition course video. When used with an optional footpod attached to a shoelace, Outside Interactive’s software automatically adjusts the video speed to each runner’s exact pace — or the speed can be adjusted manually for those without a footpod.

As the course video plays on a laptop, tablet, or television, runners may feel as though they are actually running through Falmouth, minus ocean breezes, of course.

Game changer! Here I was thinking my Falmouth Road Race days were over. Looks like Hippie is coming out of retirement ladies and gentleman, but it will NOT involve me on a treadmill.

I’ll just hire a Brazilian for the day, have him put the footpod on his shoelace, plug it into the flatscreen, throw him on a treadmill, plop my ass on the couch with a twelve pack of BL’s, a pint of Fireball and a couple of linguica burgers, and then watch the course roll by on my television. Basically I’ll have a cook out in my living room, except…

Road Race? Ran.

I’ll even make my way down to the Heights afterwards for my post run hot dog and chocolate milk. Then I’ll walk all over the place for hours breathing heavy and stretching, maybe swing by the Shanty with my number still on, talk about how much I hate that Nobska hill for a few hours. I might even wrap myself in one of those tin foil capes.

It will be just like when I used to actually run the Road Race, except I won’t puke at miles 2, 4, and 6.

P.S. Oh, who am I kidding? I’ll definitely still puke at miles 2, 4, and 6.

thanks to RPV for the tip

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Globe – Hillary Rodham Clinton has a busy calendar of Massachusetts fund-raisers in the next few weeks, starting Wednesday with events in Boston and Chestnut Hill and branching out to different pockets of the state early next month.

The July 2 events will take the front-runner for the Democratic nomination from Holyoke, one of the poorest cities in the Commonwealth, to Osterville and Provincetown, two upscale Cape Cod towns.

With co-hosting opportunities for $27,000, which can also purchase a photo with Clinton and inclusion in the Hillstarters program for high-dollar fund-raisers. In Osterville, the $27,000 also includes a reception with Clinton, according to a copy of the invitation obtained by the Globe.

The Hillstarters Program huh? That’s an interesting name for selling yourself to people for inordinate sums of money. Sounds kinda prestigious, maybe we should get The Real Cape into this elite club of social iniquity?

I don’t know though, $27,000 sounds a little expensive to be a Hillstarter. I’m pretty sure the Sultan of Brunei gets Victoria Secret Models imported right to his palace cheaper than that, and Hillary Clinton is no Victoria Secret model. I mean, Bill doesn’t even hook up with her, and we all know Slick Willy will hook up with pretty much anything *cough* Monica *cough*.

P.S. Maybe we should hold open primaries for anyone running, and the people we vote for get to run for President. Then they all get allotted the exact same amount of money to campaign with. That way the candidates aren’t beholden to anyone or anything when they get into office. Seems like a way to make sure when a position is filled by the voters, it is filled by a completely objective politician as opposed to an indebted prostitute. Seems like if we took money out of politics, greed and cronyism might go with it. Then I wouldn’t have to write blogs comparing politics to prostitution, it’s a win for everyone really.

*disclaimer: we would have written this exact piece about any politician from any party doing this on Cape Cod.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

The Vineyard Vines Ad with logo removed…

The original Cape Cloth image with their logo…

Cape Cloth can’t buy a break. First they get slapped with a frivolous copyright infringement case from Diadora, and now Vineyard Vines straight jacks one of their marketing photos, erases their logo and uses it to sell their swag.

The ultimate irony is this tweet from Vineyard Vines when they realized they were caught…

Oh how nice, the huge corporation that just curb stomped the little guy wants to make it better by donating to the fund to help that same little guy fight another huge corporation that curb stomped them as well. What a noble gesture. I swear you couldn’t make this shit up if you tried.

VISIT CAPE CLOTH

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CapeCodTimes.com – Heritage Museums & Gardens will not face criminal charges related to the building permit issued for its zip line park.

The clerk-magistrate in Barnstable District Court has decided not to issue a criminal complaint in the case brought by Carlo DiPersio and Don Stainbrook, two neighbors of Heritage, according to a copy of his decision.

DiPersio and Stainbrook sought the complaint under the Old King’s Highway Regional Historic District law that sets up protection for the areas north of Route 6 from Sandwich to Orleans. The allegation was that Heritage moved the location of two buildings after a certificate of appropriateness was issued by the Old King’s Highway Historic District Committee in Sandwich.

The clerk issued a ruling dated June 4, two days after a hearing, saying “complaint denied as to all counts.”

The Saga Continues

Well, it’s nice to see that there’s still a shred of sanity around here. It really is good to know we live in a place where people that build a park where kids can have wholesome outdoor fun won’t get thrown in the slammer. Of course you’ll still have to waste hundreds of hours defending yourself against two wackos at every committee, department, and court on Cape Cod if you dare to give teenager’s an alternative to doing drugs, but hey, Heritage should have known they’d be in for a fight when they decided to build an outdoor park that attracts people, creates jobs, keeps kids off the streets, and is… GASP… fun. Facing criminal charges is a totally normal part or zip line construction everywhere right?

P.S. If Carlo DiPersio and Don Stainbrook can file criminal charges against Heritage for building an outdoor park, we should be able to file charges against them for hating kids, fun, and life in general.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

CapeCodTimes.com – A month after the former IHOP restaurant on the Bourne Rotary caught fire, the company planning to transform the property into a Dunkin’ Donuts has applied for a building permit to repair the damaged roof, siding and windows in hopes of opening in September.

Cape Cod Enterprises Inc., a subsidiary of the Stoneham-based Couto Management Group, had initially planned on an August grand opening for its sixth Dunkin’ Donuts in Bourne. But on May 15, a fire scorched about a quarter of the building, damaging the side of the building facing the rotary.

Days before the fire, representatives of the Couto Management Group came before Bourne selectmen in hopes of receiving a common victualler license, which was later granted. With no proposal for a drive-thru, addition or changes to the parking lot, the plans required no site plan review or special permit for approval.

Oh sweet, at least it won’t have a drive-thru, that should really help slow everything down even more. Maybe while they’re at it they can roast the beans individually and brew each cup of coffee to order. That should keep each customer there even longer and really add to the congestion.

Look, we are very pro business here at The Real Cape. We are big fans of free enterprise and allowing businesses to thrive, but at some point you have to use common sense when it comes to negatively effecting the greater good. At a time when Bourne rotary traffic backs up for miles and we are considering building a third bridge to alleviate it, do we really want to purposely grow a blood clot in one of the two major arteries that carry the oxygen into the heart of Cape Cod?

I realize that this company has every right to legally open this Dunkin’ Donuts, but is it really going to hurt their bottom line if people are forced to go to one of the FIVE other locations that they already own in Bourne? Do they really need a sixth Dunkin’ to make sure they have a monopoly on Munchkins in town?

I don’t know about you but I definitely plan on boycotting this Dunk…   Oh who am I kidding, Dunkin’ Donuts has us all by the balls. They know it, we know it, even David Ortiz and Gronk know it. We all should just start getting used to adding another half hour to our trips on and off the Cape because everyone is gonna be “Sippin’ on Dunkin’ Iced…”

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MVTimes.com – I love a good natural history question to ponder! And the brown recluse spider, Loxosceles reclusa, furnishes a fine one. Academic spider researchers consider this species, one of very few spiders capable of giving humans a serious bite, a creature of the south-central portions of the United States.

Although an avid student of bugs of all kinds, I’ve never seen a recluse here (or indeed anywhere else). Yet I regularly receive reports of brown recluses on the Vineyard, and recurring discussion of this species on a Vineyard Facebook page I frequent shows many Islanders firmly persuaded that brown recluses are an abundant and well-established peril here.

LaLaLaLaLaLaLaLaLa… I’m sorry I can’t hear you Mr. Killmy Buzz the depressing MV Times writer. I only read the first two paragraphs of this article, and even then I Men In Blacked the memory right out of my brain. Feel free to click the link and read more if you want, but not me. I simply love Donovan and his Dirty Banana’s too much. I just value whiskey during the day at The Ritz more than I value knowledge. Lobster Rolls at The Lookout are just more important than science at this point in my life. Sorry, not sorry.

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Edgartown PD Facebook – Edgartown Police and Fire responded to to a person who became buried after the hole he dug at Norton Point Beach caved in. The male had dug a 6-8 foot deep hole before it collapsed.

His friends were able to clear only enough sand to establish an airway. Edgartown Fire personnel used shovels and a backhoe to dig the male out. We want to remind the public of the dangers of digging holes at the beach.

First off, there’s no way this is a local Vineyarder right? Only a tourist would dig an 8 ft. hole at a beach. Even then, digging holes at the beach is a little embarrassing for a grown man.

Secondly, what does that mean his friends could only clear enough sand to establish an airway? Um, keep digging ya pricks. Your buddy just dug an 8 ft. hole by himself. I’m pretty sure you can dig him out of it.

Lastly, great job by all the emergency responders that rescued this guy. I would like to publicly apologize to all of you from the human race. The fact that we have no natural enemies and no way to cull our herd means that you have to dig holes at the beach with excavators to save lives every once in a while. If only we were hunted by lions, I’m sure this genius would have run face first into a tree and been eaten by now. Instead you need to waste a day digging him out of his sandcastles moat. Again, sorry.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony