CL – College female needs $600 by tomorrow (rent)

Dear Daughter I Don’t Have Yet Just In Case,

Hey sweetie! It’s me, your dad. I am writing all the way from the year 2014! I know that may seem strange, but I came across this Craigslist ad today that made me think of you even though you don’t exist. I just wanted to let you know something, in case you are ever born.

If you EVER need $600 bad enough that you are thinking about resorting to open ads on the internet to get it. CALL ME IMMEDIATELY! I don’t care if the money is for a crack and heroin sandwich. I will give you $600 no questions asked, at the drop of a hat, if you tell me it’s either going to be me or some random creepshow from Craigslist.

P.S. I hope it’s not too hot in the basement, don’t worry you only have 27 more years until we let you out!

Love,
Hippie (Dad)

Capecodonline.com – The lily bulbs that David Potoczny planted around his wooden bungalow near Cape Cod Hospital have burst into blooms of pink, orange and yellow, but the 64-year-old’s mood is anything but sunny.

The doctors who own the house he rents recently sold it to Cape Cod Healthcare — the parent company of Cape Cod and Falmouth hospitals — and Potoczny says he has to be out by the end of the year.

“I have to find another place to live,” he said. “They’re buying everything up.”

“I’ve been on this same corner for 30 years,” said Potoczny, who said he suffers from neuropathy, diabetes and heart problems. “Where am I going to find a place?”

As Cape Cod Hospital continues to expand and its parent company acquires physician practices and other health-related businesses, the hospital’s reach extends ever farther into this section of town.

It seems as though every other business in the area — from 60 Park St. to 40 Quinlan Way to 22 Lewis Bay Road — is now occupied by practices that operate under the Cape Cod Healthcare umbrella.

King of the area on Lewis Bay since opening in 1920, the hospital is looking more like an empire, some observers say.

A former maintenance man for McAuliffe, Potoczny pays $700 a month in rent for the bungalow he shares with four tiny and well-behaved poodles. He’s afraid he might have to surrender all or most of his pets for adoption to get public or senior housing.

Ummm… why is this news? Think about how many people who have rented a home and had to leave because the owner sold the house. It happens all the time without newspaper articles about it. What the hell is with this reaction like it’s some tragic humanitarian issue?

“Oh my! The rightful owners of a property want to use it in a way that is the most advantageous for themselves! How dare the entity that paid market value for a home on the open market not use it for the sole reason of helping the tenant not have to find a new place that allows dogs! WHAT ABOUT THE POODLES!?!?”

Ridiculous. Oh and what in the hell does this dude having diabetes have to do with anything? Is this article insinuating that should be a factor in whether or not he should be able to stay in a home he doesn’t own? Did I miss the diabetes amendment to the constitution?

The 28th Amendment: Any American deemed to have diabetes shalt have the inalienable right to squat on other people’s property for no less than 35 years. Subsequently, if said citizen should have tiny, well behaved poodles, 5 years per dog shall be added to the time frame. If a citizen with diabetes has more than 3 poodles AND heart problems, then it is the tenants right to stay forever in any home he chooses, regardless of ownership. (*I made this up, please don’t email me with an aspergers rant on the bill of rights)

People say our kids are all so entitled nowadays. Gee I wonder where they get it from?

P.S. The Hospital has been there since 1920, that’s 65 years longer than the maintenance man with a heart of gold, so don’t give me that longevity shit either.

Capecodonline.com – The power of Facebook helped one woman recover her stolen bicycle from a man who allegedly took it from her parents’ home on Breakwater Shores Drive.

“I’m going to cry!!!!,” Sarah Lapsley, of Hyannis, posted on the social media site Tuesday. “Someone stole my bike right off my parents’ front porch!! Please keep your eyes out for this bike! Especially in the Hyannis area!!! Blue Trek bike with handwritten messages from all my Colorado friends!!!”

Lo and behold, people saw the bicycle Wednesday around Hyannis and posted their sightings on Facebook, Barnstable police Sgt. Michael Riley said.

The bike had sentimental value because her friends signed it when she moved here from Colorado and gave it to her as a present, Lapsley said.

At around 5:30 a.m. Thursday a man who asked not to be identified spotted a man wearing a Dunkin’ Donuts hat riding the distinctive-looking bicycle on Bearse’s Way.

He confronted the rider.

“I said, ‘I know this bike is stolen, just leave it and walk away,” the good Samaritan said in a phone interview.

But the operator of the bicycle swore at him and rode away, the man said.

Police then began to visit Dunkin’ Donut shops in the Hyannis area. They arrested the alleged thief at around 7 a.m. at the shop at the corner of Yarmouth Road and Route 28.

Steven Thomas, 22, of West Yarmouth, faces charges of receiving stolen property over $250, being a disorderly person and resisting arrest, Riley said.

The bike now has a small dent and a cellphone holder is missing, but the messages from Lapsley’s friends are still there “and that’s all I really care about,” she said.

“I was so worried people would spray-paint it right away.”

Facebook for the win! Great story of good triumphing over evil. Or maybe more a story of intelligence winning over idiocy. You’ve got to be a special kind of moron to steal that bike. Dude, you couldn’t find a black mountain bike? You decided to steal a brightly painted, funked out, beach cruiser that has a personal message to the owner on it?

People this dumb should be spayed and neutered so they can’t reproduce. How do you get confronted by someone who says they know the bike is stolen, while you are wearing a Dunkin’ Donuts uniform, and then just keep on riding to the Dunkin’ Donuts you work at without thinking you may be at risk of being caught?

Also, what is this guys plan if someone asks him why his bike says “Good luck in Massachusetts Sarah, love, everyone in Colorado!”? Does he just say that he is Sarah? That’s the only play right?

“Hi, I’m Sarah, welcome to Dunkin’ Donuts can I take your ord…. “

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