CapeCodToday.com – On this day in 1779, a fleet of ten British vessels sailed over from Newport, RI to make a raid on Falmouth, MA.

After an overnight rendezvous off Naushon Island south of Woods Hole, the fleet, consisting of two schooners and eight sloops, attacked on the following morning (April 3rd) and maintained a cannonade of cannon-ball, double-headed shot, grape shot from eleven in the morning until dark.

Their landing party consisted of 220 men in ten small boats, which were repulsed successfully by about 50 of the Falmouth militia and another group of Sandwich militia who were dug in the shore near the Old Stone Dock (on the present Surf Drive) with Major Joseph Dimmock in charge of a determined body of defenders.

We do our fair share of complaining on Cape Cod these days. We worry about crime and drug addiction. The fun police are trying to shut down every good establishment. Windmills and nuclear plants are freaking everyone right the fuck out, but at least we don’t have to worry about a fleet of ships full of crooked toothed soldiers landing on the shore and attacking our pilgrim asses with muskets.

How about Falmouth and Sandwich coming together to defeat the limey pricks that attacked us though? It just goes to show you what a united Cape Cod is capable of. If we can defeat 220 Red Coats with a rag tag army of 50 then we can sure as shit band together to defeat the fun police and the degenerate criminals to take back Cape Cod!

They can take our live music, they can steal our copper pipes, but they’ll never take… our FREEDOM… to have a good time.

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Yesterday we posted that the Barnstable Police were looking for info about this guy who may have robbed Cash Market in Marstons Mills…

Post by Barnstable Police Department.

 

Well today we want to warn you all to be very careful if you come across this guy. We’ve been told by an extremely reliable source that he may possibly be a suspect in a double homicide as well…

Nashuatelegraph.com – CONCORD (AP) – The New Hampshire attorney general says two people killed in a Manchester fire are the victims of homicide.

Authorities on Thursday identified the couple as 71-year-old Robert Dion and 67-year-old Constance Dion. Officials confirm they were the homeowners. The cause of death has not been released.

Police are also seeking the public’s assistance in finding 38-year-old Matthew Dion, who is possibly driving a white 2009 Nissan Altima.

He resided at the home, but his relationship to the couple is unknown.

In other words this guy may have nothing to lose, so if you see him make sure you use caution and report it to the police. Don’t be a hero, let the pros handle this.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

That headline is no joke. There have been 5 robberies this week alone. I was going to post about one of them but then another happened… and another… and so on. That’s when I decided I’d just write about the fact that Convenience stores on Cape Cod are the most dangerous places on earth at this point.

Well that reminded of something I wrote last year so I went back and searched. Turns out I had the exact same thought then, here is what I wrote:

“Forget about crab fisherman in Alaska, convenience store clerk on Cape Cod is officially the most dangerous job in the world. It seems like we have a new armed robbery in the news every day now. They all seem to get caught too, hasn’t anyone told these guys about how easy it is to get away with a bank robbery?

Anyway, we need to do something about this pretty soon or we’ll need to hire armed mercenaries from Halliburton to man our convenience store cash registers. We’ll be forced to go through TSA level screening and a colonoscopy just to get into 7-Eleven. I don’t know about you but I certainly don’t feel like getting the shocker every time I want some Ben and Jerry’s and a Slim Jim.”

I was going to conclude the post with a positive note saying that maybe it was just coincidence that all of these robberies were happening at once. Well, I guess we can put that theory to rest since the same thing was happening last year. The only thing I can think to say now is to tell our readers to just stay the hell out of Cape Cod convenience stores, at this point they are more risky than unprotected sex with a Wareham girl.

P.S. This…

Post by Barnstable Police Department.

 

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Holy shit… what did we just watch? How did we miss Sorrowseed when they were on the peninsula? I really hope they are planning to come back. Hey Sorrowseed if you ever do make your way back to Cape Cod we would like to book you solid for every night you have available to play.*

*Don’t worry, we are going to lock them in a room with no instruments and pay them to not play any music… at all.

P.S. Black Holes are no longer the scariest thing in the Universe. That chick is.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Wickedlocal.com – DENNIS – While the golf department has the right to sell alcohol on the Dennis Highlands and Pines golf courses, that right does not extend to golfers, some of whom have taken to sneaking in their own potent potable in coolers and golf bags.

In response, the golf advisory committee has submitted to selectmen a policy designed to control the unauthorized practice, protecting the town’s relationship with the golf-course restaurant vendors and its own liability.

“The committee sees a need to control people bringing alcohol onto our golf curses,” said Town Administrator Rick White. Responsibility for enforcing the regulation would fall to the course starters and rangers, who would immediately call police if and when they met resistance when asking the golfer to remove the alcohol from town property.

The only objection to the proposal came from Selectman Wayne Bergeron, who said authorizing starters and rangers to go through people’s personal possessions could be perceived as intrusive. “I’m not sure I want to put them in this position,” he said.

White said properly implemented, the policy would be similar to the ban on alcohol on the town’s beaches, which is regularly enforced.

First off, Wayne Bergeron is officially The Real Cape’s favorite Dennis Selectman. As for the rest of these dudes? They need to get their man cards taken away stat. Smuggling beer onto golf courses is an age old man code tradition. It’s strictly a don’t ask don’t tell past time that has been in place for many years and it works just fine the way it is.

Hey assholes while you’re at it why don’t you pass a law that says we have to tell the girls when we get our rounds done an hour early and go to the strip club too? Fucking traitors.

Nothing worse than the pricks on the “golf advisory committee” of a municipal course who think they are on the board at Pebble Beach. Pull the 9-iron out of your ass and leave the guy who just worked on a roof for 8 hours alone if he wants to stuff a couple of Bud Lights into his club covers, dicks.

P.S. Grown men whose lives revolve around telling other grown men how to live their lives should all be sequestered on a man made island off of The Cape. It will be a  busy body utopia where they can all tell each other what to do and leave us the fuck alone.

P.P.S. Yes, I am extra pissy today.

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CapeCodOnline.com — A West Yarmouth man has been indicted in the theft of more than $40,000 worth of oysters and equipment from beds off Dennis and Barnstable last summer.

And a well-known Sandwich fish market owner pleaded guilty Friday to a charge of receiving stolen property in connection with the case.

Michael Bryant, 37, was indicted by a Barnstable County grand jury Friday on six counts of larceny of property, a shellfish sales violation, shellfishing a contaminated area and a commercial fishing license violation. Bryant will be arraigned “in the upcoming days” in Barnstable Superior Court, according to a statement from Cape and Islands District Attorney Michael O’Keefe.

“He’s certainly been arrested many times,” Barnstable police Lt. Sean Balcom said of Bryant.

When Balcom said in January that the case was close to being solved, he noted that “where (the suspect) sold the oysters is going to come as a pretty big surprise.”

Joseph Vaudo, a 62-year-old Sandwich businessman who has owned Joe’s Lobster Mart for more than 35 years, pleaded guilty Friday in Barnstable District Court to charges of receiving stolen property, willfully misleading police during an investigation and failure or refusal to file required statistical reports of wholesale and retail dealers.

Vaudo was ordered to pay $6,250 in fines and court costs.

Balcom, head of the department’s detective unit, said Vaudo was uncooperative when questioned by police. “He denied having bought anything (from Bryant), he denied knowing Bryant, and he denied Bryant came out of his business despite the fact we saw otherwise from the surveillance,” Balcom said.

Balcom added the market owner’s problems may be far more severe than the fine he was charged by the court. Vaudo is both a retailer and wholesaler. “He could face significant problems with his permits to buy shellfish and operate his business.”

We posted about this story a while back so I figured we should probably do a follow up now that the alleged masterminds have been exposed. When the story first broke we talked about how stealing shellfish equipment and oysters on Cape Cod should result in a scarlet letter. It takes a special kind of douchebag to steal a blue collar working man’s tools. Stealing his oysters sucks for sure, but stealing his ability to continue to make a living is fucking deplorable.

That said, the oyster thief is not the biggest douche in this story. That crown goes to Joseph Vaudo. Listen, there will always be shit bags stealing from people. No doubt it’s a shitty thing to do, but this Bryant guy is just a low life who is doing what low life’s do. Vaudo on the other hand fucked over the very community that supports his business. Honest hard working people are working their ass off to provide him with the shellfish that he sells to other honest hard working people under the pretense that he is buying them from the honest hard working people in their community. Joe’s Lobster Mart buying stolen shellfish at a discount and selling them at regular prices is offensive on many, many levels.

Unfortunately Joe’s Lobster Mart will probably survive because of the money he makes from tourists who will never know and probably don’t care about this story. Even though this may be the case, there is no excuse for any year round resident to ever do business with this man again. We are calling for a full on boycott of Joe’s. Please share this, spread the word about this guy and BOYCOTT JOE’S LOBSTER MART! Let’s show Cape Cod business people they can’t fuck over the communities they do business in without repercussions.

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I have to say that this was the most fun that I have had since starting this website. We’ve Forrest Gump’d our way into some amazing situations, we’ve interviewed Peter Gammons and it was on the front page of Deadspin, we’ve had all access passes to music awards and visited Afroman’s hotel room, but this experience with the girls of The Cape Cod Roller Derby was far and away the most raw, unadulterated, pure fun that I have had yet. Sure it may have had to do with having Arthur Bonzarelli with me so I didn’t have to make fun of Ham and Tony alone, but mostly it was the entire atmosphere.

I highly suggest you keep up with what these ladies are doing because it is absolutely infectious, whether you want to play, coach, ref or just watch you simply will not regret it. There is not one hint of pretension, they welcome every single skill level from any walk of life and they just rock the shit out of it. Kudos to these ladies, they’ve got an amazing thing going on.

P.S. If there are better Roller Derby names for guys out there than “Condomn Mint” and “Chode the Wet Sprocket”, I’ve never heard them.

The Cape Cod Roller Derby: Website – Facebook

Shockyard Fitness and Social Club: Website – Facebook

Music by Crooked Coast: Website – Facebook

Thanks to Ryan from Wicked Cape for the GoPro footage and bringing his Saint Bernard.

Cameras: S.C. Atkinson and John Beninghof

Editing: Adam Hamwey and John Beninghof

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony