BostonGlobe.com – PLASTIC BAGS litter the median strips of America. In some trash-filled corners of Massachusetts, they cover the ground like a layer of topsoil. Flushed out into the ocean, they combine with other garbage into massive rafts of refuse, killing marine life. That’s why towns from the outer Cape to the Berkshires are seeking ways to reduce this serious environmental threat. But they’d do well to follow the example of other municipalities that have been successful in coaxing consumers to switch to reusable supermarket bags.

Tomorrow, Provincetown residents will vote at a town meeting on whether or not to ban small plastic bags in their town. Under the proposal, restaurants and retailers would be banned from distributing single-use plastic shopping bags, such as those often found in supermarkets.

I have a quick question. Did anyone think about what the hell we are all going to use in our bathroom wastebaskets if they ban the supermarket style plastic bag? Do they even sell plastic bags that size? The plastic bag/bathroom wastebasket relationship is so wonderful and symbiotic, do we really want to mess with it?

I have a feeling GLAD might be behind this legislature. I wouldn’t put it past them to hire lobbyists to get this law passed in towns across America just in time for them to launch their new Double Force Flex Super Drawstring Bathroom Wastebasket Bags. Oh look we happened to have these ready for the shelves right when supermarket bags became illegal!

This could be the biggest scam on the people of this country since that time they convinced us all that we need to start going to the store to buy water in single serving bottles instead of having it delivered right to our faces from out of our walls.

P.S. FUCK! I just realized that we can kiss the post shopping, 17 bag per arm, one trip from car to kitchen counter with all the groceries technique goodbye too! I don’t know about you but I think I’d trade a couple of choking sea turtles for not having to buy tiny bags for my bathroom AND making 12 trips to get the groceries in.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

MassLive.com – A 31-year-old Centerville woman was arrested Friday afternoon, after her physician called police to report she was heavily intoxicated and driving with her infant son in the car.

Kimberly Brown was arrested in Osterville not long after she left her doctor’s appointment, and police were shocked just how intoxicated the woman allegedly was. One officer reported that the Brown nearly fell asleep as she stood in the roadway while he questioned her.

According to the Cape Cod Times, the infant boy’s state Department of Children and Families caseworker also witnessed the woman driving erratically and called police as well. She drove to the site of the stop and took custody of the child after Brown was arrested

Brown passed out in the rear seat of the police cruiser after admitting she had a history of pain killer abuse. She was charged with operating a motor vehicle while under the influence of drugs, driving without a license, driving an uninsured motor vehicle, driving with a revoked registration and driving negligently.

Hey it’s not her fault, it’s the drugs. How can a new mother possibly be expected to drive sober with her baby in the car when drugs are so addictive? I’m surprised she even got arrested, seems like they should have charged the drugs with 3 counts of being too awesome to put down when your driving around town with your kid.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

EasthamVacationGuide.com – Ask any long-time Outer Cape vacationer and they’ll all tell you the same thing: The Beachcomber on Cahoon Hollow Beach in Wellfleet is an institution. Open daily from Memorial Day to Labor Day since 1978, it’s where we love to go to have a few cold, tall ones, listen to live bands and get our beach bum on. Its the only oceanfront restaurant on Cape Cod so, really, do you need any other reason to make it a destination?

I’m a bit torn on this one. There are a few different angles going on here. Firstly, The Beachcomber is fucking awesome. It absolutely is an institution and deserves all the praise it gets, this is not even a question. I sort of feel bad because The Beachcomber is also not responsible for this article, Easthamvacationguide.com is.

My second problem is that I don’t want to be hypocritical here either. I mean using ridiculous semantics and hyperbole is pretty much the backbone of this website. The thing is we use it for comedic purposes, there’s nothing funny about this is there? Or is it meant to be sarcastic and humorous and I’m missing the joke?

Thirdly, I understand what they are getting at. They are excluding harbors, sounds and bays from their definition of “ocean”. This is just plain wrong though, saying Vineyard Sound or Cape Cod Bay are not part of the ocean is like saying your kitchen is not part of your house. Maybe if they used “open ocean” it would make sense, but even that is a stretch.

Either way The Beachcomber is a fantastic place and they did not write this article, but it is NOT the only ocean front restaurant on Cape Cod. Calling it that may pass the semantics test but it just doesn’t pass the sniff test. Not to mention The Real Cape’s “don’t be so fucking pretentious test”.

P.S. The worst part is that somewhere in some state that constantly smells like the Barnstable County Fair some douchebag is telling his buddy that Cape Cod sucks because it only has one ocean front restaurant.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

I Shit My Pants….

Yes I did…. and I am at the eye doctor… still in the waiting room.
It is going to start smelling soon.

Sometimes the Cape Cod gods smile down and give us something that doesn’t even need commentary. Just a perfect Friday morning Craigslist ad… unless you are in the waiting room at the eye doctor’s right now, in that case you may want to reschedule.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

This isn’t the first time we’ve called out a town Chamber of Commerce and it probably won’t be the last. I just do not get how The Yarmouth Chamber doesn’t see the ridiculous hypocrisy of this move? We pointed it out to them on Twitter, but we haven’t heard anything back.

@YarmouthCapeCod No web designers in Yarmouth? Good looking out for the local economy!

— Real Cape Hippie (@RealCapeHippie) April 4, 2014

The Yarmouth Chamber of Commerce, an organization whose sole purpose in this world is to promote local businesses and be a champion for the local economy of Yarmouth, hired a CANTON company to develop their new website? It’s preposterous. How does not one person in the entire chamber point out that they should use a local company?

This is a quote directly from the “about” page on their shiny new Canton built website:

“Since 1963, the Yarmouth Chamber of Commerce has brought businesses and citizens together to build a strong local economy and support our community.”

In other words, we get on our high horse and tell everyone what businesses they should patronize (the ones that pay them to be members of their club) but when it comes time for us to actually hire someone ourselves? Fuck Yarmouth.

The Yarmouth Chamber of Commerce should be ashamed of themselves and you should let them know it. Hit them up on Facebook or Twitter and let ’em know what you think about people who don’t practice what they preach.

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Craigslist.org – Seeking females that want the RUSH of making immediate Cash and want to make up to $2,000 a week.

This gig is for a Caucasian IN SHAPE female between the ages of 18 and 28 that has open availability, A VEHICLE OF YOUR OWN, NO children and NO boyfriend to interfere with decision making. If you are serious and want to make the money, you can with us.

Please no strippers and no porno girls. No drug addicts and no alcoholics. Our clients want a normal female with a sensual touch. Erotic body rubs is your job description and we need someone to start immediately! 🙂

Send full body photo of yourself and phone number. We do not text, we are busy people. We will not answer ANY QUESTIONS without a photo or phone number present in reply.

PLEASE BE AWARE YOU WILL RECEIVE A CALL 1-4 HOURS OF RESPONSE. Pleas be available to speak when replying. THANK YOU!

Okay let’s see here, I think we will need to do some math. This person is looking for girls who want to be whores but must be all of the following things:

• Caucasian
• Attractive
• In shape
• 18-28
• Own a vehicle
• No children
• No boyfriend
• Not a stripper
• Not a porn girl
• Sensual touch
• Not an alcoholic
• Not a drug addict

Ummm… dude. There are tens of thousands of guys on Cape Cod that are looking to find a girl with all of these traits to treat well and make their wife. These men are unsuccessful in their search for years. I’m pretty sure that after you go down your list there are like eight women left on Cape Cod and you want to hire them to be prostitutes?

I hate to be the bearer of bad news on this one buddy but you might want to move to Amish country, because the odds of you finding girls with all of these qualities on Cape Cod that are willing to perform sex acts for money is about as good as the odds of me being hired by the Audubon Society as the official spokesperson for preserving the natural habitat of the Piping Plover.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

 

Capecod.curbed.com – Oddly, the West Tisbury estate with the most expensive asking price on Martha’s Vineyard in Massachusetts has yet to lure in a buyer. Hence, the PriceChopper has sharpened its blade and headed out to the Vineyard.

Apparently, the not-so-humble spread was chopped earlier in the month, but somehow, the significant slice managed to escape our attention. Since it’s never too late to discuss a potential nominee for the PriceChopper Hall of Fame, here goes: the listing first hit the market as a 266-acre potential compound back in July 2012 with a rather hefty $92,000,000 asking price. One year later, the seller, one-time hospital magnate Gerald DeBlois, decided to throw his contemporary residence plus an additional 48-acres into the deal,raising the ask to an epic $118,000,000.

We have come across some sweet spots to turn into the new Real Cape headquarters. We wanted the original Shop Therapy building first, then we set out sights on Nobska Light, but I think we’ve been aiming too low. This property seems to have everything we need.

First things first we will fill up the pool with 4 Loko, and not that new government regulated crap either, I’m talking about the original recipe, full strength stuff that had kids jumping out of windows and shit. Next we need a herd of baby Kobe beef cows to graze in the fields. We will hire a never ending string of bands to play them music, homeless people will give them massages in exchange for booze and we’ll make the hippies do all the slaughtering in exchange for their rations of patchouli oil and grilled cheese.

The guest house is where we will install the distillery and brewery so we have a never ending supply of juice. Then we throw up a couple of rave tents on the beach for a never ending dance party and we will have a pretty good starting point I think. Luckily there is already a pond on the property for Insane Tony to bathe in so that’s all set. We’ll just need to section off an area where we let the kids shoot Piping Plovers with BB guns and it’s a wrap.

So now we just need the $108,000,000. We should be able to raise that in a few days with one of those Kickstarter campaigns right? Whaddya you say Cape Cod, who’s in?

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony