Great, here we go again. This list was written by some girl from Chicago who has exactly zero idea what it’s like to be “from Cape Cod”. Cassie Sheets is the author’s name, and apparently she is “from” quite a few places, here are some headlines from a few of her other articles…
- 30 Things People From Atlanta Have To Explain To Out-Of-Towners
- 30 Things You Need To Know About Memphis Before You Move There
- 10 Things Only People From Jacksonville Understand
- 15 Reasons You Should Date Someone From Maryland
- 28 Things People From Dallas Have To Explain To Out-Of-Towners
- 25 Words That Are Interpreted Entirely Different In West Virginia
- 30 Things People From North Carolina Have To Explain To Out-Of-Towners
Holy shit, how many piles of steaming crap disguised as articles can one person write about being “from” somewhere they’ve obviously only Googled once? As with any fake life list we find about Cape Cod, we fixed this one to reflect the thoughts of people that are actually from Cape Cod. Here is the list, with our responses in red.
1. The Best Season In Cape Cod Is Actually Winter
And we’re off! Coming right out of the gate 163% dead wrong. Every Cape Codder knows that fall is the best season here, winter sucks. Nothing like losing all credibility in the first 3 seconds of an article.
2. Martha’s Vineyard Is Totally Overrated
Aaaaand we are 0 for 2! It would be worth the ferry ride to go over for one Dirty Banana from Donovan at Nancy’s and then come directly back to the mainland. Over rated my ass.
3. It’s Always Five O’clock If You’re On The Beach
Ah, first off, they are on a porch, not a beach. Are you telling me you couldn’t find a pic of people drinking on a beach anywhere on the internet? Also, it’s acceptable to drink at any time of the day on Cape Cod no matter where you are, not just at the beach. It’s acceptable to drink at Church on Cape Cod.
4. Everyone Has Worked At An Ice Cream Stand
I am one of the “everyone” being referred to here since I am from Cape Cod. I have never worked at an ice cream stand. I am therefore living proof that this one is completely untrue as well. Although, maybe she has a friend from the Cape named Everyone Johnson Jr. that worked at an ice cream shop, in that case I guess this one would be true.
5. Getting Paid Under The Table Is Totally Normal
So the author is claiming that Cape Cod exploits child labor? You got us! We force our kids into sweat shops to make Air Jordan’s all summer. All of us natives have such fond memories of 16 hour days spent stitching leather in a hidden 40,000 square foot factory with no windows, good times.
6. Scallops Totally Deserve Their Own Festival
Yeah because all the tourists from New York have never heard of scallops before, they are completely impossible to get at restaurants outside of Cape Cod. You think explaining a scallop to a tourist is hard? You should try explaining the motorized horseless carriages that we drive around in here on Cape Cod.
7. Everyone From Nantucket Can Beat You At Your Own Dirty Limerick Game
Actually no, they’ve heard literally one.
8. Outdoor Furniture Is The Best Kind Of Furniture
Right, the most wicker furniture in the world. Because outdoor furniture is much more popular on Cape Cod than it is in say, Georgia, where people sit outside year round. Does this article even make sense anymore? Cape Codders have to convince out of towners about outdoor furniture?
9. And Cape Codders Hobbies Include Sitting On The Porch
So close, I hate to break it to you though Ms. Author but you exposed your ignorance again, nobody has porches on Cape Cod, we have decks.
10. The Brewster Book Store Is The Place To Go For More Than Beach Reads
Well that came out of nowhere, looks like someones college roommates cousin’s sister owns The Brewster Book Store.
11. If You Ask For Directions Someone Might Flex At You
I don’t know if I can take much more of this, let alone make it to 30.
12. It’s Impossible Not To Feel The Love In Provincetown
It’s not a Cape Cod list without the gays. The fact that every single Cape Cod list written by a non Cape Codder always mentions Provincetown proves that outsiders do in fact know about Provincetown and it shouldn’t be on this list. Does that make sense?
13. If Their Friends Jumped Off A Bridge, A Cape Cod Local Would Too
Remember this formula folks. Photos of Cape Cod 12 times in a row to lull them to sleep and then BAM! Animated Disney .gif. I didn’t realize Pocahontas grew up on Cape Cod. Also, that’s the weirdest looking bridge I’ve ever seen. Fraudulent and lazy journalism for the win!
14. Sandwich Is Not Just A Food
A town named Sandwich, that’s so weird, quirky and rare. It’s not like there’s a town named Sandwich in New Hampshire, and Illinois, and England and…
15. Everyone Is Obsessed With Clam Chowder
You’re right, everyone knows this. So why is it on this list? Who do we need to convince?
16. If Cape Cod Had An Aesthetic It’d Be Called Quaintcore
Cape Cod does have an aesthetic… and it IS called quaint… so what the hell are you talking about?
17. The Best Way To Get Around Is By Bike
While the best way to enjoy a bike path is certainly on a bike, they are a horrible option for “getting around”. That’s what our motorized horseless carriages are for.
18. The Greatest Things In Life Are Coffee And Chocolate
This is the most damning evidence against the author yet. You know what people who are REALLY from Cape Cod always have to explain to outsiders? That nothing is ever IN Cape Cod, it is ON Cape Cod. What a fraud.
19. Everyone Goes To Sleep At The Same Time As Your Grandma
Translation: The one person I actually know from Cape Cod goes to bed early so I assumed the 249,000 other people on the peninsula do as well.
20. The Only Way To Watch Fireworks Is From A Boat
Being on a boat is cooler than not being on a boat? What an absolutely riveting piece of journalism this is.
21. Grumpy’s Is About A Thousand Times More Fun Than It Sounds
Looks like somebody found our Dive Bar Tournament when they were Googling Cape Cod!
22. Fish Is The Most Common Art Motif
Has the author forgotten what her own article is supposed to be about at this point? Fish are a popular motif on a sandbar surrounded by water? This is something that needs to be “explained”?
23. Rotary Roads Are Seriously Not That Confusing
There are rotaries all over Massachusetts, they are not exclusive to Cape Cod. Seems like someone “from” here should know that.
24. Everyone Knows Someone Who Knows Someone Who Knows The Kennedys
You know what else, everyone in the country seems to know someone, who knows someone, who knows Kevin Bacon.
25. People With Summer Homes Aren’t True Cape Codders
Are there really 30 of these?
26. Cranberries Are Kind Of A Huge Deal
Quick, name all the people you know that work on a cranberry bog. Is it a major amount? Didn’t think so. Oh and that drink she mentioned? The one with cranberry and Vodka in it? What’s the name of that drink? It’s right on the tip of my tongue…
27. Private Beaches Are The Bane Of Everyone’s Existence
Private beaches aren’t private beaches if you are from Cape Cod. They are private for frauds from Chicago that try to pretend they are from Cape Cod though that’s for sure.
28. The Pickle Jar Kitchen Is A Little Taste Of Heaven
This one is actually 100% correct. The Pickle Jar is amazing, but what the hell does that have to do with this article?
29. Yes, Jaws Was Filmed Here
Once again, the author seems to have reversed what this article is about at this point. Everybody knows that Jaws was filmed here. It’s like we’ve moved into the Bizarro World.
30. Cape Cod Is Way Bigger Than You Think
Says the woman who claimed that a bike is the best way to get around.
thanks to Austin for the tip
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony
More Articles From The Real Cape: