An Outsider Wrote A List Of Things Cape Codders Have To Explain To Outsiders

interesting man cape

Great, here we go again. This list was written by some girl from Chicago who has exactly zero idea what it’s like to be “from Cape Cod”. Cassie Sheets is the author’s name, and apparently she is “from” quite a few places, here are some headlines from a few of her other articles…

  • 30 Things People From Atlanta Have To Explain To Out-Of-Towners
  • 30 Things You Need To Know About Memphis Before You Move There
  • 10 Things Only People From Jacksonville Understand
  • 15 Reasons You Should Date Someone From Maryland
  • 28 Things People From Dallas Have To Explain To Out-Of-Towners
  • 25 Words That Are Interpreted Entirely Different In West Virginia
  • 30 Things People From North Carolina Have To Explain To Out-Of-Towners

Holy shit, how many piles of steaming crap disguised as articles can one person write about being “from” somewhere they’ve obviously only Googled once? As with any fake life list we find about Cape Cod, we fixed this one to reflect the thoughts of people that are actually from Cape Cod. Here is the list, with our responses in red.

1. The Best Season In Cape Cod Is Actually Winter

Explain Cape Cod

All the tourists come to Cape Cod in the summer, which is why locals love and cherish their quiet winters more than any other season.

And we’re off! Coming right out of the gate 163% dead wrong. Every Cape Codder knows that fall is the best season here, winter sucks. Nothing like losing all credibility in the first 3 seconds of an article.

2. Martha’s Vineyard Is Totally Overrated

Explain Cape Cod

Most Cape Codders hear someone mention Martha’s Vineyard and think, “Yeah, been there. Done that. Not worth the ferry ride.” But secretly, the gingerbread houses are totally cool looking.

Aaaaand we are 0 for 2! It would be worth the ferry ride to go over for one Dirty Banana from Donovan at Nancy’s and then come directly back to the mainland. Over rated my ass.

3. It’s Always Five O’clock If You’re On The Beach

Explain Cape Cod

Sand and water somehow make drinking perfectly acceptable at any time of day or night. Those are just the rules of Cape Cod.

Ah, first off, they are on a porch, not a beach. Are you telling me you couldn’t find a pic of people drinking on a beach anywhere on the internet? Also, it’s acceptable to drink at any time of the day on Cape Cod no matter where you are, not just at the beach. It’s acceptable to drink at Church on Cape Cod.

4. Everyone Has Worked At An Ice Cream Stand

Explain Cape Cod

Cape Cod locals may get annoyed with tourists sometimes, but they are great for one thing—recession proof summer jobs.

I am one of the “everyone” being referred to here since I am from Cape Cod. I have never worked at an ice cream stand. I am therefore living proof that this one is completely untrue as well. Although, maybe she has a friend from the Cape named Everyone Johnson Jr. that worked at an ice cream shop, in that case I guess this one would be true.

5. Getting Paid Under The Table Is Totally Normal

Explain Cape Cod

How else are Cape Codders supposed to pay all those twelve year olds with summer jobs? Write them a check for their nonexistent bank account?

So the author is claiming that Cape Cod exploits child labor? You got us! We force our kids into sweat shops to make Air Jordan’s all summer. All of us natives have such fond memories of 16 hour days spent stitching leather in a hidden 40,000 square foot factory with no windows, good times.

6. Scallops Totally Deserve Their Own Festival

Explain Cape Cod

The annual Bourne Scallop Festival is quite possibly the most delicious time of the year.

Yeah because all the tourists from New York have never heard of scallops before, they are completely impossible to get at restaurants outside of Cape Cod. You think explaining a scallop to a tourist is hard? You should try explaining the motorized horseless carriages that we drive around in here on Cape Cod.

7. Everyone From Nantucket Can Beat You At Your Own Dirty Limerick Game

Explain Cape Cod

Because they’ve literally heard every single version in existence at least a dozen times.

Actually no, they’ve heard literally one.

8. Outdoor Furniture Is The Best Kind Of Furniture

Explain Cape Cod

Cape Codders own an extraordinary amount of wicker furniture. They just might buy the most wicker furniture in the world… although statistics for that are unsurprisingly unavailable.

Right, the most wicker furniture in the world. Because outdoor furniture is much more popular on Cape Cod than it is in say, Georgia, where people sit outside year round. Does this article even make sense anymore? Cape Codders have to convince out of towners about outdoor furniture? 

9. And Cape Codders Hobbies Include Sitting On The Porch

Explain Cape Cod

They love it so much that it could be said a good porch is the key to a good life in Cape Cod.

So close, I hate to break it to you though Ms. Author but you exposed your ignorance again, nobody has porches on Cape Cod, we have decks.

10. The Brewster Book Store Is The Place To Go For More Than Beach Reads

Explain Cape Cod

Cape Cod is full of bookstores that cater to the summer crowds, but if you’re looking for more than just bestsellers, nothing beats a book binge at Brewster.

Well that came out of nowhere, looks like someones college roommates cousin’s sister owns The Brewster Book Store.

11. If You Ask For Directions Someone Might Flex At You

Explain Cape Cod

Cape Cod is shaped a lot like a flexing arm. If someone points near their armpit, they’re showing you where something in the Upper Cape is. Mid-arm is Mid-Cape. The crook of the elbow is the Lower Cape, and the forearm and fist are the Outer Cape.

I don’t know if I can take much more of this, let alone make it to 30.

12. It’s Impossible Not To Feel The Love In Provincetown

Explain Cape Cod

Massachusetts was the first state to legalize same-sex marriage, but Provincetown is on a whole other level. It’s a kind of utopia inside a utopia for the LGBT community.

It’s not a Cape Cod list without the gays. The fact that every single Cape Cod list written by a non Cape Codder always mentions Provincetown proves that outsiders do in fact know about Provincetown and it shouldn’t be on this list. Does that make sense?

13. If Their Friends Jumped Off A Bridge, A Cape Cod Local Would Too

Explain Cape Cod

To the horror of every mother in the world, Cape Cod thrill seekers love to get their kicks by jumping off bridges. It’s dangerous and illegal—so naturally people love doing it.

Remember this formula folks. Photos of Cape Cod 12 times in a row to lull them to sleep and then BAM! Animated Disney .gif. I didn’t realize Pocahontas grew up on Cape Cod. Also, that’s the weirdest looking bridge I’ve ever seen. Fraudulent and lazy journalism for the win! 

14. Sandwich Is Not Just A Food

Explain Cape Cod

Yes, there’s actually a town named Sandwich, and it’s the oldest town on Cape Cod.

A town named Sandwich, that’s so weird, quirky and rare. It’s not like there’s a town named Sandwich in New Hampshire, and Illinois, and England and…

15. Everyone Is Obsessed With Clam Chowder

Explain Cape Cod

Probably because Cape Cod clam chowder (say that five times fast) is the best clam chowder in the entire world. And that’s a verifiable fact.

You’re right, everyone knows this. So why is it on this list? Who do we need to convince?

16. If Cape Cod Had An Aesthetic It’d Be Called Quaintcore

Explain Cape Cod

There’s a reason everyone wants a taste of Cape Cod. The architecture, friendly people, and sheer amount of seashell art all harken back to a simpler time. Quaint is really the only way to describe it.

Cape Cod does have an aesthetic… and it IS called quaint… so what the hell are you talking about?

17. The Best Way To Get Around Is By Bike

Explain Cape Cod

Cape Cod doesn’t just have a ton of awesome nature bike trails, it also has some great bike lanes along the coast so you get the best view ever on your commute.

While the best way to enjoy a bike path is certainly on a bike, they are a horrible option for “getting around”. That’s what our motorized horseless carriages are for.

18. The Greatest Things In Life Are Coffee And Chocolate

Explain Cape Cod

And Hot Chocolate Sparrow is the best place in Cape Cod to go for both.

This is the most damning evidence against the author yet. You know what people who are REALLY from Cape Cod always have to explain to outsiders? That nothing is ever IN Cape Cod, it is ON Cape Cod. What a fraud.

19. Everyone Goes To Sleep At The Same Time As Your Grandma

Explain Cape Cod

There’s nothing the people of Cape Cod love more than an early night. When everything closes early, there’s no sense in staying up past ten or eleven anyway.

Translation: The one person I actually know from Cape Cod goes to bed early so I assumed the 249,000 other people on the peninsula do as well.

20. The Only Way To Watch Fireworks Is From A Boat

Explain Cape Cod

Like most things in life, fireworks just look even more beautiful when you’re out on the water.

Being on a boat is cooler than not being on a boat? What an absolutely riveting piece of journalism this is.

21. Grumpy’s Is About A Thousand Times More Fun Than It Sounds

Explain Cape Cod

Grumpy’s Pub is the best kind of dive bar. They’ve got good beer, live music, and prices you don’t have to be a tourist to rationalize, so there’s really nothing at all to be grumpy about.

Looks like somebody found our Dive Bar Tournament when they were Googling Cape Cod! 

22. Fish Is The Most Common Art Motif

Explain Cape Cod

Cape Cod artists are definitely inspired by their surroundings (not to mention those valuable tourist dollars). Fish, seashells, boats, and water are common motifs… but don’t try to read too far into them.

Has the author forgotten what her own article is supposed to be about at this point? Fish are a popular motif on a sandbar surrounded by water? This is something that needs to be “explained”?

23. Rotary Roads Are Seriously Not That Confusing

Explain Cape Cod

For some reason out-of-towners can’t seem to grasp the concept of a circular road with multiple exits, but honestly, it’s not that hard.

There are rotaries all over Massachusetts, they are not exclusive to Cape Cod. Seems like someone “from” here should know that.

24. Everyone Knows Someone Who Knows Someone Who Knows The Kennedys

Explain Cape Cod

Or at least they know someone who knows someone who claims to. On Cape Cod, a Kennedy connection is still valuable social currency.

You know what else, everyone in the country seems to know someone, who knows someone, who knows Kevin Bacon.

25. People With Summer Homes Aren’t True Cape Codders

Explain Cape Cod

They may know their way around town, but if you’re not a Cape Codder for all four seasons, you’re hardly a Cape Codder at all.

Are there really 30 of these?

26. Cranberries Are Kind Of A Huge Deal

Explain Cape Cod

Cape Codders are cranberry freaks—and with good reason. Cranberries aren’t just a fruit; they’re also a major source of jobs. That’s a big upgrade from just being a kind of juice you mix with vodka if you can’t stand the taste of it.

Quick, name all the people you know that work on a cranberry bog. Is it a major amount? Didn’t think so. Oh and that drink she mentioned? The one with cranberry and Vodka in it? What’s the name of that drink? It’s right on the tip of my tongue…

27. Private Beaches Are The Bane Of Everyone’s Existence

Explain Cape Cod

And everyone from Cape Cod has snuck onto a few and gotten caught on a few in their lives.

Private beaches aren’t private beaches if you are from Cape Cod. They are private for frauds from Chicago that try to pretend they are from Cape Cod though that’s for sure.

28. The Pickle Jar Kitchen Is A Little Taste Of Heaven

Explain Cape Cod

Nothing can quite describe how incredibly awesome a pickle sampler is at this Falmouth restaurant.

This one is actually 100% correct. The Pickle Jar is amazing, but what the hell does that have to do with this article?

29. Yes, Jaws Was Filmed Here

Explain Cape Cod

And yes, there are sharks. But really, giant great white sharks aren’t attacking people all the time. Especially not nearly indestructible sharks with the intelligence of a person.

Once again, the author seems to have reversed what this article is about at this point. Everybody knows that Jaws was filmed here. It’s like we’ve moved into the Bizarro World.

30. Cape Cod Is Way Bigger Than You Think

Explain Cape Cod

Most tourists spend a whole week in one small part of Cape Cod, but locals know there’s a whole lot more ground to cover. A trip from the tip to the bridge can take a couple of hours by car, and it can actually be faster to travel by boat sometimes.

Says the woman who claimed that a bike is the best way to get around. 

thanks to Austin for the tip

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