I Shit My Pants….
Yes I did…. and I am at the eye doctor… still in the waiting room.
It is going to start smelling soon.
Sometimes the Cape Cod gods smile down and give us something that doesn’t even need commentary. Just a perfect Friday morning Craigslist ad… unless you are in the waiting room at the eye doctor’s right now, in that case you may want to reschedule.
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This isn’t the first time we’ve called out a town Chamber of Commerce and it probably won’t be the last. I just do not get how The Yarmouth Chamber doesn’t see the ridiculous hypocrisy of this move? We pointed it out to them on Twitter, but we haven’t heard anything back.
@YarmouthCapeCod No web designers in Yarmouth? Good looking out for the local economy!
— Real Cape Hippie (@RealCapeHippie) April 4, 2014
The Yarmouth Chamber of Commerce, an organization whose sole purpose in this world is to promote local businesses and be a champion for the local economy of Yarmouth, hired a CANTON company to develop their new website? It’s preposterous. How does not one person in the entire chamber point out that they should use a local company?
This is a quote directly from the “about” page on their shiny new Canton built website:
“Since 1963, the Yarmouth Chamber of Commerce has brought businesses and citizens together to build a strong local economy and support our community.”
In other words, we get on our high horse and tell everyone what businesses they should patronize (the ones that pay them to be members of their club) but when it comes time for us to actually hire someone ourselves? Fuck Yarmouth.
The Yarmouth Chamber of Commerce should be ashamed of themselves and you should let them know it. Hit them up on Facebook or Twitter and let ’em know what you think about people who don’t practice what they preach.
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As I’ve previously mentioned, I love living alone. For all kinds of reasons, but one of the biggest ones is that I get to do whatever I want without judgement. Did I really just watch four episodes of Law & Order SVU wearing nothing but a headband and bathing suit bottoms while eating freeze pops and microwavable corn for the third time this week? No one will ever know.
Though eating frozen food naked while watching trash television is the bees knees, I sometimes seriously miss having roommates.
My Southie years were unreal. I lived with two roommates; one of whom married my cousin and the other who is my third sister. We literally hyphenated her name at a young age and I’m fairly confident she may have changed her birth certificate to reflect that. My cousin’s wifey is super fun, but also way more mature than Little Sis and I. Example: she would come home after work, go to the gym, make herself dinner and maybe read a new book or catch up on a show.
Little Sis and I? We’d have wine for dinner and then scrape the bottom of our purses for change and walk to Stop & Shop to buy giant deli pickles. One time, I woke up with her in my bed dressed as a bumble bee and I was cuddling our toilet seat cover. I wish I was kidding.
Malden Roommates? Oh man they had me at my prime. I refused to eat anything other than Popsicles and brussel sprouts every night for two years and demanded to cook while listening to nothing but Christmas music. I was pretty much always drunk because I was going through this weird phase..I think the phase was that I was always drunk..but whatever, that’s not important.
Send me to the store to buy dinner? I’d come home with toilet paper, US Weekly and three bottles of wine. I also drove through the garage. Like literally through the door. I just left my car there, walked in like nothing happened and totally forgot about it until the next morning when my roommate came in and asked why my car was inside the building. I don’t know, Al, why is the sky blue?
I came home with two bunnies once and tried to convince one of the girls it was her idea. She didn’t buy it.
I even created a game, that went on for weeks, where I would hide this giant plastic great white shark I got in a drink on Bourbon St in New Orleans all over the house for them to find. I’d hang it from their bedroom doors so it would fall down when they woke up, put it in their underwear drawers and even in their food sometimes. I live for games that only I can play.
Living alone can be tough because I don’t have anyone to play tricks on but myself. And that’s just not the same. Also, pick-a-flick Friday’s on Lifetime are lonelier (if that’s possible) and I don’t find people on my bathroom floor anymore (Ali).
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Okay, so, no word of a lie I was just sitting in my apartment writing this when the fire alarm went off in my building. It’s fucking freezing out so I contemplated going down with Weymouth Commons but decided against it since I haven’t yet met Zac Efron or gone great white cage diving, and holy shit now I REALLY wish I had roommates.
The people that live in this building are straight up out the “people of Walmart” website. One woman came out wearing nothing but a tank top and spandex, holding an electric drill. Like, of all things to save from a burning building, you fucking chose a drill? How about your purse, or pictures of your family, or I don’t know, some fucking pants?
I just..I don’t even know. But if I don’t wake up tomorrow – Hippie; publish this so my audience knows how I went. And find the woman with the drill, because it was most likely her who took me out. And she’s probs single so let Ham know.
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Yesterday, Hippie unknowingly caused what turned out to be not only a life altering Glitter Ginger conspiracy theory via tweet, but a heated debate with a dude who originally, I thought had a crush on me, but the more I think about it, might actually hate my guts and would 100% beat me with my crutches if given the opportunity.
Hippie tweeted:
Okay. Seriously. Like, why the fuck have I never seen a baby seagull? They exist, right? I mean everything is a baby at some point, and I’ve seen my fair share of baby birds since most of my time is spent building forts and salamander hunting in the woods. I began to ponder..
..there’s literally no logical explanation for why we never see baby seagulls other than the fact that they’re robots strategically placed by the government. Think about it: they’re fucking everywhere. No other bird will just walk up to you while mid-bite and grab a bologna sandwich out of your hand. And when they dive bomb? NOBODY is that accurate. They’re fucking programmed trash bird machines sent to Cape Cod to collect information, find terrorists and tip the cops off when druggies steal shit out of summer homes.
I could seriously debate this for days, but that’s not the point. Once I really started thinking about this, I naturally chose a select few to text and bring together in a focus group in order to discuss said theory. One person, in particular, I apparently offended. He not only didn’t provide a theory of his own, but spit a three paragraph text about how he refused to answer because he was convinced I would take his words and make them my own for “likes and comments” on the Glitter Ginger blog.
Awka-scuse me?
Dear Dino,
We’ve known each other for quite some time now. I value your opinion, sometimes more than most, because you could literally give a shit about my feelings. If I look ugly; you will tell me. If I’m being conceited or a diva; you will sure as shit knock me down a few pegs.
That being said; fuck you! Anything I write on here is 100% Glitter Ginger original gold and I would never take credit for something I didn’t think of myself. That’s called plagiarism, pimpin.
When all is said and done, I think you’re mean to me because you’re intimidated by the fact that I can not only take your dickhead banter, but that I can give it back. Also, I’m pretty.
So, Dino, consider this letter an open invitation to not only continue with your asshole comments, dick-ish behavior and overall asshole attitude..but a confirmation that we would probs have the most amazing hate sex ever.
And seriously, have you ever seen a baby seagull?
Love,
GG
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Craigslist.org – Seeking females that want the RUSH of making immediate Cash and want to make up to $2,000 a week.
This gig is for a Caucasian IN SHAPE female between the ages of 18 and 28 that has open availability, A VEHICLE OF YOUR OWN, NO children and NO boyfriend to interfere with decision making. If you are serious and want to make the money, you can with us.
Please no strippers and no porno girls. No drug addicts and no alcoholics. Our clients want a normal female with a sensual touch. Erotic body rubs is your job description and we need someone to start immediately! 🙂
Send full body photo of yourself and phone number. We do not text, we are busy people. We will not answer ANY QUESTIONS without a photo or phone number present in reply.
PLEASE BE AWARE YOU WILL RECEIVE A CALL 1-4 HOURS OF RESPONSE. Pleas be available to speak when replying. THANK YOU!
Okay let’s see here, I think we will need to do some math. This person is looking for girls who want to be whores but must be all of the following things:
Ummm… dude. There are tens of thousands of guys on Cape Cod that are looking to find a girl with all of these traits to treat well and make their wife. These men are unsuccessful in their search for years. I’m pretty sure that after you go down your list there are like eight women left on Cape Cod and you want to hire them to be prostitutes?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news on this one buddy but you might want to move to Amish country, because the odds of you finding girls with all of these qualities on Cape Cod that are willing to perform sex acts for money is about as good as the odds of me being hired by the Audubon Society as the official spokesperson for preserving the natural habitat of the Piping Plover.
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Capecod.curbed.com – Oddly, the West Tisbury estate with the most expensive asking price
on Martha’s Vineyardin Massachusetts has yet to lure in a buyer. Hence, the PriceChopper has sharpened its blade and headed out to the Vineyard.Apparently, the not-so-humble spread was chopped earlier in the month, but somehow, the significant slice managed to escape our attention. Since it’s never too late to discuss a potential nominee for the PriceChopper Hall of Fame, here goes: the listing first hit the market as a 266-acre potential compound back in July 2012 with a rather hefty $92,000,000 asking price. One year later, the seller, one-time hospital magnate Gerald DeBlois, decided to throw his contemporary residence plus an additional 48-acres into the deal,raising the ask to an epic $118,000,000.
We have come across some sweet spots to turn into the new Real Cape headquarters. We wanted the original Shop Therapy building first, then we set out sights on Nobska Light, but I think we’ve been aiming too low. This property seems to have everything we need.
First things first we will fill up the pool with 4 Loko, and not that new government regulated crap either, I’m talking about the original recipe, full strength stuff that had kids jumping out of windows and shit. Next we need a herd of baby Kobe beef cows to graze in the fields. We will hire a never ending string of bands to play them music, homeless people will give them massages in exchange for booze and we’ll make the hippies do all the slaughtering in exchange for their rations of patchouli oil and grilled cheese.
The guest house is where we will install the distillery and brewery so we have a never ending supply of juice. Then we throw up a couple of rave tents on the beach for a never ending dance party and we will have a pretty good starting point I think. Luckily there is already a pond on the property for Insane Tony to bathe in so that’s all set. We’ll just need to section off an area where we let the kids shoot Piping Plovers with BB guns and it’s a wrap.
So now we just need the $108,000,000. We should be able to raise that in a few days with one of those Kickstarter campaigns right? Whaddya you say Cape Cod, who’s in?
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CapeCodToday.com – On this day in 1779, a fleet of ten British vessels sailed over from Newport, RI to make a raid on Falmouth, MA.
After an overnight rendezvous off Naushon Island south of Woods Hole, the fleet, consisting of two schooners and eight sloops, attacked on the following morning (April 3rd) and maintained a cannonade of cannon-ball, double-headed shot, grape shot from eleven in the morning until dark.
Their landing party consisted of 220 men in ten small boats, which were repulsed successfully by about 50 of the Falmouth militia and another group of Sandwich militia who were dug in the shore near the Old Stone Dock (on the present Surf Drive) with Major Joseph Dimmock in charge of a determined body of defenders.
We do our fair share of complaining on Cape Cod these days. We worry about crime and drug addiction. The fun police are trying to shut down every good establishment. Windmills and nuclear plants are freaking everyone right the fuck out, but at least we don’t have to worry about a fleet of ships full of crooked toothed soldiers landing on the shore and attacking our pilgrim asses with muskets.
How about Falmouth and Sandwich coming together to defeat the limey pricks that attacked us though? It just goes to show you what a united Cape Cod is capable of. If we can defeat 220 Red Coats with a rag tag army of 50 then we can sure as shit band together to defeat the fun police and the degenerate criminals to take back Cape Cod!
They can take our live music, they can steal our copper pipes, but they’ll never take… our FREEDOM… to have a good time.
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