OK folks the time is almost upon us for what is sure to be the event of the winter. We’ve got 30 kinds of Kale Soup from across The Cape to be judged by you the people, live music from Daniel Byrnes and John Beninghof, raffles, prizes and other surprises lined up for you to revel in. The Real Cape Kale Soup Cook Off is going down at The Beach House in North Falmouth on Sunday March 23rd and it all benefits the Teaticket Elementary PTO.

The first wave of tickets sold out quick and there are a limited number of these tickets available as well. These advance tickets will sell out too. There will be tickets at the door but you will have to wait in line, so if you plan on coming make sure to get tix in advance to guarantee that you will get right into the event without a wait. (Kids under 12 are free)

Believe us when we tell you that you are going to want to witness this landmark event and help us crown the Cape Cod King or Queen of Kale! Tickets can be purchased with the form below:

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CapeCodToday.com – Game-day football tailgaters and other weekend event planners in Massachusetts would be able to buy beer and alcoholic beverages on Sunday morning rather than waiting until noon, under legislation that has cleared the Massachusetts House.

On voice vote and without debate, the House last Wednesday approved a bill (H 228) that would legalize Sunday morning alcohol sales starting at 10 a.m. – two hours earlier than allowed under current law.

Well it’s about freaking time. I was starting to wonder if I’d ever be able to get drunk before noon on a Sunday around here. Blue Laws have to be the most ridiculous relic going right? I mean how dumb is it that we still let a blue eyed white dude from The Middle East ruin our Football days 2000 years later? It’s almost as absurd as us thinking a guy from The Middle East 2000 years ago was white with blue eyes in the first place.

The only thing worse is that we still celebrate Thanksgiving Day with food, family and chained off liquor. We are months from being able to buy weed at a store, I think it’s about time we were able to buy some booze on Jared Leto’s birthday. Or whatever the hell December 25th is.

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Craigslist. org I’m looking for a truly submissive woman to sexually own, and be my sex slave. You will be mine to use as I like, and must be ready to please me. Perhaps I will order my slave to rub my shoulders, then orally satisfy me. Or maybe I will enjoy fucking ymy slave hard. Other times I might like to tie my slave up, then use all her holes. Or if I’m feeling romantic, we might simply make love. My moods vary, and as my sex slave I expect you to accommodate me in every way.

Here are my simple requirements:
-You must be very submissive.
-You must be able to host.
-You must have at least 2 times a week to have me over. Preferably more.
-You must be clean and completely disease free.

Age, race, size, and marital status are unimportant to me. If you fit my basic requirements, I want to hear from you. I am only looking for one slave, and when i find her, she will be responsible for taking care of my sexual needs. I am non-violent, am not into anything gross or strange, and will always treat you well and reward your obedience with pleasure. But our relationship will always remain master and slave, and built around discipline. I expect subservience right from the start, beginning NOW. To be my slave, you must reply with a PG picture of yourself and the words “I WISH TO SERVE”.

Holy shit. Take it down a notch or two there Captain Caveman. It’s an absolute mystery why you are forced to place ads on Craigslist. It’s truly shocking that you don’t have women breaking down your door on a regular basis. Oh wait, that’s right you put “must be able to host” which directly translated from Craigslist speak into English means “I live with my parents”.

I might try my hand at one of these ads just to see if there are women who actually fall for this shit. Here is my first draft:

I’m looking for a submissive woman to own. Meaning legit unpaid labor. I live alone and I’m a slob so I may tell you to mop the floors, I might have you scrub the shower, depends how master is feeling that day. Maybe I’ll have you make me a roast beef, maybe a pastrami, who knows my moods vary.

My simple requirements:

• must clean my house
• must do my laundry
• must do dishes
• must make me sandwiches

I am non violent and not into anything gross, well you might have to cut my toenails, but nothing strange. Must be 100% subservient and respond with “I WISH TO DO ALL OF HIPPIE’S MUNDANE CHORES!” in the subject line so I know you are serious. Oh and no weirdos please.

Ladies, please don’t email more than once, I’ll try to respond to each one of you if I can.

P.S. I just re read this and the ad I wrote sarcastically trying to be as awful as possible is actually less awful than the other guys. Dude is next level.

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The bus to #CapeCod leaves at 2pm, but #PilgrimNuclear protestors not leaving until @MassGovernor shows up #mapoli pic.twitter.com/Bahm5AlyXn

— C(harles)Ryan Barber (@cryanbarber) March 10, 2014

So the Cape Downwinders have quite a little gathering going on at the governor’s office right now and they say they aren’t leaving until he shows up. They are concerned about the fact that Pilgrim keeps getting violation after violation during their safety inspections considering that if it melts down there is a zero percent chance that Cape Codders could evacuate over our 100 year old bridges.

I’m not sure what they are thinking expecting such a quick response from the governor. It’s not like Deval has the power to just do whateve…

Massachusetts governor signs bill making ‘upskirt’ pictures illegal

Massachusetts on Friday banned people from secretly taking pictures or video under another person’s clothing, two days after the state’s top court pointed out that so-called ‘upskirting’ was allowed under existing laws.

Two days, he changed the upskirt law in two days, yet hundreds of thousands of lives are at risk on Cape Cod and there’s been no response? Well I think it’s painfully obvious what is going on here. Protecting vaginas must be more important to the governor than protecting the people of Cape Cod.

Wait, actually that makes sense, I have to agree with him on this one. Protecting vaginas should pretty much be at the top of any list ever made. So yeah, forget it, move along folks, nothing to see here.

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Ecori.org – From the perspective of a peninsula jutting into the North Atlantic, predictions about sea-level rise and increasing storm severity from climate change mean serious consequences, and policymakers on Cape Cod have been raising concerns about issues from coastal erosion to salt-marsh retreat to rising insurance rates. Problems that will manifest themselves in visible changes to infrastructure, landscapes and wallets.

But a new study is bringing attention to an equally urgent problem that is perhaps more easily overlooked: The impact of sea-level rise on groundwater systems.

“Not only do we have a climate challenge on Cape Cod, we have a wastewater challenge,” said Ed DeWitt, director of the Association to Preserve Cape Cod (APCC). “This is one of the areas where they intersect.” READ MORE…

The original article above is long but a good read if you like science and hate it when your kids drown in shit. Since the average attention span these days is exactly eight seconds I will give you the Cliff Notes. Basically global warming and the melting of the ice caps is raising our sea levels. If you don’t believe in global warming then stop reading now, head to Four C’s and sign yourself up for the most entry level science class available, get at least a C-, then come back and keep reading…

Essentially what is going to happen is that as sea levels rise, they push the fresh water table below ground up as well. There are thousands of septic tanks and leaching fields on Cape Cod that were built just above that fresh water table. As the water table rises it flushes the crap into our fresh water supply and floods low lying areas with a delightful cocktail of sewage.

Not to worry though, I am currently working on getting funding to construct Hippie’s Cape Cod Arc. I will only have room for two of each Cape species so get your application in now. Two carpenters, two landscapers, two crackheads, two Tedeschi clerks from some country that used to be part of Russia, two white rappers, two trustafarians, two P-Town gays, two hot soccer moms from Osterville etc. etc. It will pretty much be like Carnival Cruise Lines on acid.

P.S. There are a few things I’m on the fence about including on the Arc. Seagulls I could go either way on. Piping Plovers are out and I’m thinking of keeping two of the fun police just to see how badly they get hazed.

P.P.S. All applications for the two P-Town gay spots must come with an approved adoption app. (for obvious reasons)

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MVGazette.com – A planned bowling alley and restaurant in Oak Bluffs was unanimously approved with conditions Thursday night by the Martha’s Vineyard Commission.

Reid (Sam) Dunn’s Cottage City Bowling now goes to the town where it needs approvals at the local level.

The architect wants to redevelop four lots on Uncas avenue into a 13,500-square-foot building with 10 bowling lanes, a 44-seat restaurant, 18-seat bar, game room and event room. Two affordable apartments and a 32-car parking lot are also planned.

The plan has been the focus of much discussion in town and at the commission, which received a large volume of letters from people both for and against the project. Noise, intrusion on a residential neighborhood and the plan to have a full bar were all points of concern.

The Dude Abides! Chalk up another victory over The Fun Police! We wrote about this issue a while back when it looked like this project was going to die a “death by a thousand cuts” according to the developer. Am I saying that I think The Real Cape had something to do with this specific vote? No, I would never make such a claim. All that I am saying is that The Real Cape definitely had something to do with this.

What I mean is that our snarky opinions on The Fun Police probably didn’t directly affect this bowling alley. But maybe, juuust maybe we are chipping away at the status quo? Maybe the good guys are starting to get a little more vocal and active when it comes to taking back Cape Cod?

Maybe the Fun Police are realizing that they’ve pushed the normal people too far and they are starting to retreat to their caves and condo complexes. This could be a sign of a changing tide in the general attitude towards fun, entertainment and the ability to enjoy ourselves once in a while on The Cape.

All of you douchebags that have nothing better to do with your lives than to complain about other people actually enjoying theirs are officially on notice. This may be one small step for Martha’s Vineyard, but it is one giant leap for Cape kind! F#@k The Fun Police! Take back Cape Cod!

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CapeCodToday.com – On this day in 1921, as described by Donald G. Trayser in “Cape Cod Historical Almanac” –

A mysterious zinc container found at the Sagamore end of the Cape Cod Canal a few days ago according to the Yarmouth Register in 1921 has federal revenuers investigating.

Captain Arron Barnes of the Atlantic Coastwise Transportation coal barge Camden, bound through the canal to Boston, spied the container, put out in a small boat and hauled it ashore.

It was full of bottled medicines, and since Captain Barnes couldn’t figure out what the stuff was, he sent up to the village, and druggist Harry D. Pratt came down. The find proved to be drugs: 65 bottles of sulfate of morphine, 15 bottles of cocaine, and a large quantity of acetate of morphine, altogether valued at about $15,000. Internal Revenue officers are trying to trace ownership, according to the story.

$15,000 in 1921 is the equivalent of $200,000 today.

Well, well, well. Maybe the drug “epidemic” we hear about constantly isn’t quite the new phenomenon we think it is. Could it be that drugs have been plaguing society since their inception?

Look, I’m not trying to minimize the problems addiction causes. It is very serious and can ruin lives and tear apart families. All I’m saying is that it might not be any worse now than it’s always been. Think about this for a second, before the internet, would you hear about a heroin overdose two towns away? No.

Nowadays we get inundated with bad news. Sure an informed and educated public is definitely more progressive and I dare say more compassionate, but let’s not mistake the fact that we hear about all this bad news in every little detail for the impending doom of society.

People have been using and abusing drugs for hundreds of years, it just wasn’t in our Facebook feeds on our smart phones until a few years ago. Today if you live in Harwich and somebody OD’s in Bourne, you hear about it instantly and from four different sources. 10 years ago you would have no idea it even happened.

So the next time you are feeling like Cape Cod has gone to shit, remember, this epidemic and the overall decay of society didn’t just start happening a few years ago, the internet did. Things are actually getting better, not worse. We are getting so bombarded with bad news that it just feels that way sometimes.

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