CapeCodOnline.com – A woman was arraigned today in Barnstable District Court on charges of assault and battery and assault with a dangerous weapon after she allegedly threatened to cut off a man’s penis with a hand machete during an argument in Hyannis.

Around 1 p.m. Tuesday, Barnstable police responded to 140 Sea St. after reports of a domestic disturbance and found Elizabeth Ables, 34, of Hyannis, shouting obscenities at a man she knew, according to the police report.

Ables shouted that she was “going to chop (the man’s) penis off,” the report says.
Before police arrived, Ables and the man had gotten into an argument when she accused him of lying, according to the report.

When the man tried to leave, Ables picked up the machete and followed him outside, where there was a brief physical struggle before Ables was disarmed, according to the report.

I’m a little bit confused by this article. Is threatening to cut off a penis a specific charge? Meaning is threatening castration worse than telling someone you’ll cut their finger off? It should be right?

We have first degree murder and manslaughter etc. for the different levels of killing someone, we should certainly have stronger penalties for junk removal than we do for chopping off other digits.

Cutting off a toe for instance should be like what? 20? 30 years? But if you cut off someones Johnson then we should be talking life without parole right? I mean I’m pretty sure I’d rather be murdered than to be estranged from my BFF.

This may be enough to sway the penis vs. vagina battle, sure guys can pee wherever they want, but not being at risk of getting sliced off on a whim is a distinct advantage for the vagina. We need to throw the book at this lady and make an example of her. It’s hard enough these days for a man’s penis on The Cape in March, we can’t have an army of Lorena Bobbits running around playing whack a’ pole with machetes.

Now if you’ll excuse me I need to go remove everything but the spoons from my kitchen.

P.S. Whatever you do, DO NOT search Google images for “castration”

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CapeCodOnline.com – A proposal that would allow escorted off-road vehicles to drive carefully and gingerly past tiny, vulnerable piping plover nests at Nauset Beach this summer is ignoring an 800-pound elephant on the trails.

The problem, however, is the plan fails to address the wild predators. Crows, sea gulls, coyote and fox all prey on the plover eggs and chicks. As a matter of fact, the predators have killed far more plovers than humans have.

As a result, the U.S. Fish & Wildlife Service, which is responsible for protecting the endangered species, has maintained that any habitat conservation plan must include a predator-culling component. Problem is, no one wants to shoot Wily Coyote, Jonathan Livingston Seagull or the Sly Fox.

But if we really want to protect endangered species, we will need to spend as much effort keeping predators at bay as we do keeping humans away.

Government sharpshooters may be effective in reducing a limited number of coyote and fox, but what to do about sea gulls and crows? There are so many of them that culling efforts would likely be ineffective. But if culling begins, the federal and state governments should take on the expense and the political heat, not the local towns.

Holy shit I feel like I am taking crazy pills. Piping Plover’s are so important that people actually want to have the government conduct mass murder of other living creatures to protect them? Is this some kind of joke? Where is the candid camera crew? The Cape Cod Times has to be punking us with this crap.

Could you imagine if someone suggested the only way to protect people on Cape Cod is to have the government start shooting everyone from New York? Actually, not a great example, most of our readers would love that, but you know what I mean. Killing something in the name of protecting the lives of other things is straight lunacy.

How about this? STOP PLAYING GOD. Let nature do whatever nature is going to do. In all of my education about natural selection I don’t recall reading the part where government snipers are picking off foxes. Natural Geographic isn’t filming a special on sharp shooters in their natural habitat anytime soon.

The only reason Piping Plover’s are still in existence is because of humans, which at its core is completely contradictory to nature. It’s unreal how arrogant humans are to think that we can actually alter mother nature’s plan in any way. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction and I for one can’t wait to see what she has in store for Plover payback.

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CapeCodOnline.com – A 19-year-old arrested Monday in connection with a string of break-ins allegedly stole televisions, golf clubs and electronic devices from neighbors and tried to sell them on Facebook through Cape Cod Virtual Yard Sale.

John Evangelista was arrested after the owner of a seasonal home on Archibald Circle called police Friday night to say a television had been stolen, according to a report by Harwich Officer Amy Walinksi.

When the homeowner described the TV, Walinski wrote, “I immediately knew of a suspect.”

“I noticed Jack Evangelista posted a television for sale on Cape Cod Virtual Yard Sale,” she wrote.

Meanwhile, police discovered that another home on Archibald Circle had been broken into. The screen door had been knocked out and inside a television was missing from the wall, she wrote.

Walinski discovered other items for sale by Evangelista on the Facebook page, including women’s and men’s golf clubs, an iPod player and a radio.

Wait so are there things for sale on the Cape Cod Virtual Yard Sale Facebook page that aren’t stolen? I just kind of figured everyone assumed that if you buy something from a Facebook yard sale page it’s definitely hot?

I’m not saying what this dude did isn’t wrong, I’m just saying that we are making it pretty easy for thieves these days. It used to be if you were going to steal televisions you needed to have a connection to sell your goods, a fence if you will. You’d have to drive your shady van to some shady building in New Bedford and deal with some even shadier dude. Nowadays unloading stolen merchandise is as easy as changing your status update on Facebook.

Call me nostalgic but I miss the old days when criminals had to work hard for their money. They had to have elaborate organizations with hierarchies, equipment and contacts. These kids these days have no appreciation for stealing T.V.’s the old fashioned way. This new age is breeding lazy, entitled thieves who can just snap a photo of their wares and sell it in 140 characters or less.

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CapeCodToday.com – There was a single car collision at the post office at 210 Main Street, East Orleans today around noon today.

A Toyota RAV 4 driven by an 85-year-old woman was attempting to pull into a parking spot which is in front of the post office, but ended up almost in the lobby instead.

As the car entered the parking spot, instead of applying the brake and coming to a stop, the operator applied the gas and the car struck a vertical support beam, traveled across the walkway, and smashed into the side of the Orleans Post Office building before coming to a stop.

Ah the old think you’re hitting the brake, actually hitting the gas, driving into a post office trick. Seems like an 85 year old woman pulls this move once a month or so. The post office and over cooked steak, that’s what old people do.

Why do people over 80 even leave their houses? I don’t want to leave the house now, when I’m 85 I’m literally going to sew my pants to the couch. Just sit around all day blogging about the new Depends adult diapers and complaining about train whistles.

Maybe we should have an exchange program with the RMV and the post office. When you turn 80 your car is automatically traded in for its value in stamps. Sure it will take away their transportation, but it also removes the only reason someone that old has to ever leave their house in the first place. Call me whatever you want, but don’t say I’m not a problem solver.

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CapeCodOnline.com – The Barnacle, a snack bar at Craigville Beach that opened in 1951, has been put on the market.

The snack bar across the street from the beach has had four owners since its opening more than 60 years ago, said Shields, the owner of The Realty Advisory Inc.

“I’ve had a ton of interest in it,” Shields said. “I’ve had about 20 people interested in it, probably.”

The property and business at 988 Craigville Beach Road have an asking price of $425,000.

Real Cape reader Colleen sent us this and since I’m not very familiar with The Barnacle I will just let her do the talking…

It’s a wonderful nostalgic shithole. Staggering over blackout drunk from the sandbox full of shitty screaming kids to get an orgasmic cheeseburger so you can continue to secretly drink your face off? I think pretty much 7/10 kids from Barnstable smoked pot back there for the first time

The coolest thing about it is it’s been there for 60 years, always called the barnacle and always just as popular with longer lines than the place next door that changes owners and names every 2 years. They try to be the barnacle but they just can’t. Barnstable kids love the barnacle.

Sounds like The Barnacle is about as Real Cape as it gets.

P.S. If anyone else wants to do our work for us today it would be appreciated. We have Real Cape team meetings on Tuesday nights, which means we are all extremely hung over on Wednesdays.

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I know when you woke up this morning all you could think about was why they don’t make it easier for New Yorkers to invade Cape Cod. Well… they just did. FUCK.

thanks to Tom for the tip

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Buzzfeed strikes again! This time they name 24 Small New England Towns You Absolutely Need To Visit. Sure it’s flattering that they would put three Cape and Islands towns on their list. Sure national exposure is a good thing.

Here’s the thing, you’d think a national website would take one minute of time to make sure they actually represent these places in an attractive light. Let’s take a quick look at the photos they chose to represent Falmouth on this list. Surely such an idyllic New England Town is represented by some stunning shots that capture the essence of the town right? Wrong.

Let’s start with a lovely shot of the local marine life…

Such majestic creatu… SEAGULLS? They used a photograph of fucking seagulls? Rats with wings are what you MUST come to see in this New England Town? Why didn’t they just use a pic of them srounging for french fries in the Burger King parking lot, might as well get them in their most popular habitat.

Let’s move on to a beautiful seascape shall we?

Ooooh! A spectacular shot of what could literally be any town on any coast anywhere in the entire world. That sweet 22′ foot fiberglass center console with the Evinrude on it sure is a throwback to simpler times in New England. Boy does this shot really capture the quaintness of the place! Moving On!

Let’s see what they chose to showcase our famous Cape Cod architecture…

Oh for fuck’s sake Buzzfeed could you put one ounce of effort into this? Can you get someone to close the damn garage door at least? At first I wondered why the shot was cut off on the bottom, then I noticed that there is a fucking 30 yard dumpster in the shot! Fuck me, a 3 year old with a Polaroid could have done better than this.

That is it, these three photos  are all there is in their post to represent Falmouth, three absolutely terrible compositions that would put Cape Cod at # 4,987 on the lists of places I want to visit placing it right behind Syria.

Hey maybe they didn’t get the best photos for the article but at least they got all their facts straight right…

Unlike some of the more popular Cape towns, Falmouth is located on the lower part of the Cape — which gives you a whole different Cape experience.

Oh for crying out loud Buzzfeed Falmouth is most certainly NOT part of the lower Cape, do you not even check Wikipedia before you post this shit?

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