This really happened.

In a landmark decision, Barnstable Superior Court Judge Christopher J. Muse has sided with the Falmouth Wind Turbine Union. The union has been fighting for shorter  workdays and better benefits for years now.

The FWTU local #4 also negotiated a 12% pay raise across the board. Each Turbine will also be given 3 personal days and 2 additional sick days per year.

“We really felt as though we were being discriminated against” said Timothy Turbine yesterday. “Humans went through this during the industrial revolution, and now we feel it is our time to be treated fairly”.

The decision to decrease the turbines hours has been met with plenty of opposition, some even bordering on windotry. “This is a revolution” said Timothy “and we will fight until every windmill is judged solely by the fact that it is a citizen the U.S. and not by the amount of kilowatts it produces.”

Timothy also credited the great Dutch windmill uprising of 1762 with paving the way for windmill rights. “They may have been smaller, and made of wood, but we owe a lot to them and we can’t forget our history”. he said.

P.S. It’s official folks, Falmouth is off it’s rocker. Their windmills now work less hours and live a better life than HUMANS in 3rd world countries, even the Chinese have a tougher workload than Falmouth’s machines.

NANTUCKET – The Lewis Funeral Home will close its doors next month after being in business on Nantucket for 135 years, leaving the island without a funeral home or embalming facility and forcing families to look to off-island funeral homes to care for the deceased, therefore raising costs

We knew it would happen eventually. Apparently the 1%, the bourgeois elite people of Nantucket have solved the mystery of eternal life. This is the only explanation for this. People just don’t die on Nantucket anymore. Just goes to show, you can do anything if you have enough money, even live forever.

P.S. Wait, if Nantucket is so wealthy why does their Funeral Home look like a 2 bedroom 1.5 bath on Craigslist for $1150 a month?

mvtimes.com has a feature they call “Stump the Dogfather”. Apparently it’s like Dear Abby for people with dog problems, and it is hilarious on a few different levels.

The first thing we need to get out of the way is how wrong it is for this dude to be calling himself the Dogfather. Let’s get this straight, there is only one Doggfather and the only way to stump him is to pass him a blunt while he already has his hands full of Gin and Juice.

Now to the article. “Anxious In OB” wrote in this question, it’s real and it’s fantastic.

Dear Dogfather,

My little dog Mona is a loving dog who gets so excited that she jumps up on people coming into the house. Because she is small and unthreatening (she’s a 17-pound Boston Terrier who has given birth to 11 children), people inevitably kneel down to return the greeting. At that point, Mona tries to “kiss” them on the mouth, which delights some people, but often results in them getting nipped a bit. (Mona uses her teeth when she kisses). She has drawn blood a few times. Just a small amount, but still… She also has the ability to jump up and pull a glove off someone’s hand by latching on to a single finger and pulling, which seems like a talent, but is annoying to visitors.

No amount of “Down Mona” works, it seems. After someone is in the house for 20 or so minutes she calms down and starts looking for new people to adore. We’re afraid this will end badly, with a real injury (or a lawsuit.) But we don’t want to change Mona’s personality.

What should we do, Dogfather?

-Anxious in OB

I am not going to publish “The Dogfather’s” full response, it is very long and goes exactly the way you think it would, you can read it here if you are truly interested.

The point is really what “The Dogfather” SHOULD have said in his answer. I am going to take a stab at it for him:

Dear Anxious in OB,

Your dog Mona is very sick, she has a very rare condition that is nearly impossible to treat. She has what is known as BEING A FUCKING DOG. The symptoms of this terrible disease include getting excited to see new people, loving to give kisses and playfully pulling at loose articles of clothing. The only sure remedy for this ugly sickness that Mona has is to give her away to someone who likes and wants a dog, because you clearly do not.

So in short, unless you want to shoot her and have her stuffed, she is going to continue these despicable acts of common dog behavior. I implore you to do something about this monster before she gives birth to 17 more cute, happy, cuddly, playful and kissy bundles of joy. Oh the humanity!

Once you are rid of this terror and recover from your bout with post traumatic cuteness syndrome I suggest you get a cat. Cat’s are pricks so it most likely won’t even give you the time of day. It would be a perfect fit.

– Hippie, The Captain Of Obvious

P.S.

Seriously, stay classy Hy-Town. Let’s go right down the list shall we? The first page of results when you Google Hyannis news goes like this:

1. J.F.K. Assassination 50th anniversary

2. Homeless Man Arson

3. Homeless Man Arson

4. Hotel Drug Bust, 4 arrested with 20K worth of heroin and cocaine

5. Kennedy Story

6. Hyannis man with extensive criminal record charged with break in

7. Arson

8. Drug Bust

9. J.F.K

1o. Drug Bust

Crime and Kennedy’s. That’s what Hyannis does! Homeless arson guy is obviously the MVP of this list. He just missed out on the triple crown and taking the top three spots due to J.F.K getting hot at the right time. Gotta be tough to lose the batting title to a guy who’s been dead for 50 years.

The hotel fearsome foursome with their 20K of heroin and coke is going to have to step it up if they want to compete for the next Google algorithm update.

Overall a great showing from Hy-Town all around. This type of publicity has to be doing wonders for the tourism industry. They do however still have a Wendy’s that is open until 1 a.m. so there’s that. Keep doing you Hyannis.