CCD – On this day in 2000, a charge of domestic assault and battery filed against billionaire yachtsman Bill Koch, future co-chairman of the anti-wind farm Alliance to Protect Nantucket Sound, was dismissed, according to a story the following day in the Cape Cod Times.

“In July,” the Times reported, “Angela Koch called the Barnstable police to the couple’s Oyster Harbor home, claiming her husband had punched her in the stomach and threatened to hurt his 14-year-old son from a previous marriage.”

“She obtained a restraining order prohibiting Koch from staying in the marital homes in Oyster Harbor and Palm Beach, Fla., while she was in residence,” the Times story stated. “The restraining order expired in September. The Kochs are divorcing in a Florida court.”

Yawn, just your typical feel good “This day in the history” post. “Oh honey look! Remember that time Bill Koch gut punched his wife? Those were the days!”

You have to be very, very rich to have this be one of the things Cape Codders should look back and reflect on today.

How many other people on Cape Cod do you think have had charges dismissed on this day in all of its history? You know you are rich if when it happens to you it’s news to people then. But when thirteen years later it is recounted in a “Today In Cape Cod History” article as one of three events deemed worthy of our remembrance? That is when you know that you are FILTHY fucking rich.

By the way he just bought a new house on The Cape for $19.5 million. If you have a spare $15 million around you can buy his old one.

BARNSTABLE — A Plymouth woman who worked at a Hyannis jewelry store was charged Monday with stealing and pawning around $30,800 worth of the jeweler’s goods…

After the store owner told Barnstable police he suspected McKinnon had taken other items, police allegedly found 25 transactions for about $25,000 worth of jewelry at two pawn shops in Plymouth and Hyannis.

The owner of the Plymouth shop told police that McKinnon came back in September, admitted what she had done and paid him $4,775, which she said came from her bank account, to cover the jewelry police seized.

But when they spoke with McKinnon about the alleged crimes, she admitted the money came from more jewelry she had pawned for $5,000 at another pawn shop, police said.

This might be my new favorite Crazy Cape Cod Criminal. Let me get this straight. This lady stole jewelry, and sold it at a pawn shop. When she felt bad that police seized the jewelry, she paid the pawn shop back “with money from her account” that was just money from pawning other stolen jewelry at a different pawn shop. Wait, what? Who’s on first?

So to make up for the fact that she sold stolen goods to a pawn shop, she sold different stolen goods to a different pawn shop. That my friends is like making up for punching someone in the face, by punching his brother in the nuts.

What’s with stolen gold getting seized from a pawn shop anyway? I always thought it was an unspoken agreement and everybody knew that pawn shops are places to fence stolen jewelry. I didn’t think that was a question of legality, I just thought that’s the way it is. If you have jewelry that is not stolen I thought you sold it to a jewelry place? And if you have jewelry that is stolen you take it down to Big Hoss and Chumlee and pawn that shit right?

I would never dream of telling the police how to do their business, I’m just saying I’m not so sure we should be messing with the age old symbiotic relationship between the pawn shops and the scumbags. Seems like we just shouldn’t screw with the balance of nature.

Two Brockton girls steal a car and get chased to The Cape. No it’s not the start to a joke about herpes, it’s an actual headline in the news today.

SANDWICH – A vehicle allegedly stolen by two teenage girls in Brockton crashed into a sign at a Sandwich Stop & Shop this morning as State Police gave chase, spokesman David Procopio said.

At about 8:10 a.m., State Police were called about a vehicle being operated erratically on Route 3 southbound, near the Jordan Road overpass in Plymouth, police said. A trooper in the area located the vehicle, confirmed erratic operation and tried to stop the car, police said.

A shift commander at Troop D authorized the trooper to pursue the vehicle after the driver allegedly ignored an initial attempt to stop it, police said.

During the pursuit, police “learned that the suspect vehicle had been stolen earlier this morning in Brockton when the owner left it warming up with the keys inside it,” Procopio wrote in an email.

Police chased the vehicle south on Route 3, over the Sagamore Bridge and off Exit 1 where the vehicle got onto Route 6A. Once in Sandwich, the car crashed into a sign in the Stop & Shop parking lot, police said. The two teens inside the car allegedly fled on foot, but were caught by troopers who took them into custody.

No one was injured in the pursuit or crash, police said.

What are we Mexico now? A couple Brockton bitches steal a car and make a run for The Cape border like the cops will just stop at the bridge and let them live happily ever after? What’s the long term plan here? Catching the P-Town ferry to Boston?

Here’s a tip for anyone in Brockton thinking about pulling a Thelma and Louise and heading to The Cape like these two brain surgeons. If you are getting chased by the police, it is best to not head towards a dead end peninsula with only two routes on and off. It’s car chase 101 really.

Head west assholes you’ve got thousands of miles in that direction.

Big thanks to P.T.M.  for the tip

Barstool U – Holy shit I love this chick.   Just getting ANNIHILATED with beers and mixed drinks and not relenting on her troll game literally one iota.  Taking cans and cups and liquids straight to the dome and not even flinching.  Pretty sure I even heard  a glass shatter against Tommy right next to her face.  Did she give a fuck?  Nope, UCLA bitches.  You want to get me off your precious statue you’re gonna have to do a lot better than smashing my skull in with full handles.

Yeah well, there’s a reason why you love her and it’s the same reason she doesn’t give a fuck Kmarko. She’s a Masshole. Even better, she’s from The Cape. Falmouth to be exact. Her name is Aimee and when I talked to her earlier, she agreed that being from here definitely contributed to her badassness. If you need to know how Cape Cod has a hand in this please refer to this post.

I guess you can take the girl off The Cape, but you can’t take The Cape out of the girl.