CapeCodToday.com – While incomes are higher in Massachusetts compared to other states, so are spending rates. Boston-area households spent an average of 28 percent more in 2011-2012 than the average level for the typical U.S. household, according to new government statistics.

Boston area households also spent more on alcohol, $813, than the national average of $454.

This is a prime example of one of those “no shit Sherlock” situations when it comes to government studies. They could have saved a ton of time and money if they had just spent five minutes around here instead of compiling statistics.

The most impressive part of these numbers is that we are doing this in a place that has some of the strictest booze laws in the country. Can you imagine what the numbers would be if we had laws more like Vegas or Fort Lauderdale?

If Massholes could walk down the street with happy hour priced fishbowls full of booze it would be game over. I once spent a week in Fort Lauderdale for Insane Tony’s wedding. By the time I got home I was flat broke, my girlfriend at the time hated my guts and I had a wine glass stem lodged in my foot because I stuck my flip flop in the mashed potatoes at the reception.

I think it’s safe to say that if our hometown had those same booze laws we’d also have a life expectancy of about 23 years. So instead of taking this study as a sign of geographic alcohol problems, we should look on the bright side and realize that while we are almost doubling the national booze average, it could be much worse. We could all live in Florida and wake up dead on our 23rd birthday.

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I named him Chubs and I just want to squeeze his face and scratch his ears all day long.

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So it’s New England Music Awards week here at Real Cape Headquarters. All this week I will be previewing some of the categories and nominees from this Saturdays Awards ceremony in Lowell. Members of The Real Cape Team will be on the red carpet and at the awards bringing you all the action. Lowell may never be the same after we are done up there.

Today we are bringing hip hop Friday to you on Tuesday, well because I can do whatever the hell I want on here. We are taking a look at the nominees for Hip Hop act of the Year. I hope the fun police doesn’t see this. This is the shit T.F.P despises.

Spose

Young Kaii

Joey Batts and Them

Reks

Moe Pope

I know you are saying what the fuck do any of these groups have to do with the Cape? My answer is that It is not only my civic duty to bring you local acts, I must expand your music knowledge. My other answer is that it’s my shit and I can write about who I want. You gotta keep your eyes open because there’s a good chance some of these acts will be hitting stages here on the mother land soon.

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CL – found a winter hat (orleans,ma)

i found a red winter hat with yellow flowers on it
in the parking lot of hot chocolate sparrow and cvs
on february 15ththere is a $50 finders fee
let me know if you are missing it

What a nice gesture! There are so many stories of crime on Cape Cod lately it’s nice to see someone doing a good deed. Just when you start to think The Cape is full of addicts and thieves this ad comes along and restores faith in huma… wait, what’s that about a finders fee?

A $50 finders fee for a winter hat? Seems legit. How spun must your mind be to post this ad? How decayed is your sense of value when you genuinely think that someone will give you $50 for a winter hat that you don’t even own? This person suffers from absolute and total detachment from reality. This is so bananas that it could be the new anti-drug slogan:

“Don’t ever do drugs kids, or you will end up thinking it’s perfectly normal to ask for a $50 finders fee on Craigslist for a winter hat you found in the CVS parking lot.”

If that possibility doesn’t scare people straight then I don’t know what will. It scared the shit out of me just writing it.

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CapeCodOnline.com – COTUIT – Two anti-Obama signs at a residence on Santuit-Newtown Road were reported this morning as deliberately burned, according to police and fire officials.

Both signs had a yellowish liquid residue on them, possibly indicating that an accelerant was used, the police report of Patrol Officer Joseph Green stated.

The value of the two signs is $140, the police report stated. The homeowner regularly has signs on his property and he told police he has had some vandalism before but not to the point of the signs being burned, the report stated. A camera that he has set up in a tree to monitor vandalism was covered with snow, he said.

You know the country has gone batshit insane when the lefties are setting the right wingers signs on fire. Aren’t the liberals supposed to be the ones getting bullied? What’s next, gun control activists firing tear gas into a pro 2nd amendment crowd?

It’s a topsy turvy world we are living in folks, up is down, left is right, liberals are intimidating the right wingers. I for one long for the good old days when hippies just wanted to burn a bowl with their neighbors instead of their lawn signs. When the Fundamentalist right just wanted to complain about the hippies and their drugs while they pop prescription pills and listen to Rush Limbaugh.

Stuff like this does make me ponder deep philosophical questions though. Like which is a more futile gesture with less chance of instituting actual change; Putting an anti Obama sign in your yard in Cotuit, or burning an anti Obama sign on a lawn in Cotuit?

The answer of course is that it’s a tie. They are both 100% useless, at no time did either have any chance of influencing political change and we are all dumber for having to read about the whole thing.

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Have they done the horizontal Cha-Cha? Has his hot dog bus pulled into her taco town? Have they smashed genitals? What I’m saying is have these two had sex or what?

Charlie White and Meryl Davis have been skating together since they were little kids. They have been together constantly through the horniest years of their lives. They train together, they travel together, they are COMFORTABLE together. At some point they must have done it out of sheer boredom right?

This is the problem with conventional media, they can’t ask the questions that everybody in the world is simultaneously asking themselves. Hundreds of millions of people all wanting to know one simple little tidbit of information and not one journalist can ask. I did hear Charlie say that their relationship was not a “brother/sister” type relationship at one point. When you translate that from global television sound bite speak into regular guy truth speak? I’m pretty sure it means “Oh yeah, I banged her”.

Not convinced? Tell me this pic isn’t of two people who have engaged in gland to gland combat.

The looks on their faces, his leg buried in her crotch, the arch of her back, I’m telling you all roads lead to Rome on this one folks.

Here are my odds, and these are adjusted for a 68% chance that Charlie is gay, which I personally don’t think matters as much in this instance as most people do.

• 77% chance they’ve had sex
• 84% chance they’ve had oral sex
• 89% chance he’s given her the shocker
• 93% chance she’s given him the shocker
• 95% chance of Skype sex from adjoining hotel rooms
• 97% chance I will try to “twizzle” before the end of the day
• 99% chance I caught the gay from over exposure to Johnny Weir

P.S. There is also a 137% chance that Meryl Davis is the love child of Nurse Diesel from High Anxiety and a Sloth.

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CapeNews.net – The number of town beaches that will have lifeguards patrolling them this summer will be reduced from four to two.

That was the message delivered to the Bourne Finance Committee by town recreation director Krissanne M. Caron at Monday night’s finance committee meeting.

Ms. Caron presented the committee with a recreation department budget for next year of $169,119, a roughly 20 percent decrease from this year’s budget of approximately $211,000.

The drop in the recreation department’s budget is a by-product of town administrator Thomas M. Guerino’s austere overall town budget.

Folks obviously town administrators are smarter than us. They are in a very important position so they must know what they’re doing when they cut the budget for the single greatest asset any town on Cape Cod has. Beaches are so last year anyway, I hear people on vacation on Cape Cod don’t even care about beaches anymore, they all come here for the skydiving and the shark tournament… hey wait a minute…

I mean even if this issue was of any importance to any of the common peasants, it’s not like anyone said anything. How was Thomas Guerino to know if people on Cape Cod care about beaches at all let alone their staffing?

Mr. Guerino said that residents made it clear within the last couple of years, at town meeting, that staffing the beaches with lifeguards is a priority. He noted that some residents were unsuccessful in trying to dictate where guards would be posted, but they were successful in getting the town to fund the positions.

Oh, well yeah, but I mean how was he supposed to know that they were serious? I mean he is a town administrator, I doubt that it says anything about actually paying attention to the will of the people in his job description.

All kidding aside, this is another shining example of a total lack of common sense in Cape Cod political decision making. If you asked 100 people outside of this peninsula to say the first thing that comes to their mind when they hear the words Cape Cod, 98 of them would say “the beach”. Now wouldn’t common sense tell you that maybe the beaches might be kind of an important thing to keep running smoothly?

But hey, just because the residents of a town specifically make it clear that something is a priority for them, that’s no reason for a town administrator to be bothered to leave room in the budget for it, right?

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