I always knew I was fortunate to spend not only my summers, but much of my life on Cape Cod. The below video my friend, Marvin the Martian, filmed and then created out of our last few months proves just that.

I would first like to formally apologize to Marvin for calling him Creepy McCreepster for ALWAYS having a GoPro with him everywhere we went and I now totally take it back. This video is not only a great documentation of our summer, but it makes us look so much cooler than we actually are. Great work, Marv! You keep doing you, and don’t let anyone tell you you’re weird for carrying around a camera on a stick.

I feel like this mini-movie captures what a real cape summer is all about. It’s taking the boats to hidden stretches of beach that tourists don’t know about, and staying there until it’s dark. It’s sitting in the sand until it’s cool enough that you need a hoody. But not pants. Because pants are the worst. It’s laughing. It’s cold beer and horseshoes. It’s various aquatic activities. It’s family. It’s Real Cape.

You leave your complaints on the dock and unpack nothing but cold drinks and good times from the cooler once you drop anchor.

If you’d like a 6-minute recap of what a Cape Cod summer looks like; watch the below. My favorites parts are where my adopta-sister, Kray Kay and I, hop on a jet ski and zip towards a fire on the Island..like we were actually going to help someone or something. We only made it half way, realized we forgot our Twisted Teas, and turned that shit around.

I also love Marv’s selfie shot while driving his Seadoo and his girlfriend, Delish, chasing the dog down the street in the beginning.  The highlight, however, is the nice scenic shot of Nintendo No Friendo and I playing fetch with some random dogs because it reminded me that we always got along on the Island.

Island rule; no fighting. Maybe I should live every day by Island rules..

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Fact: falling coconuts kill more people every year than sharks. That’s right, you are 5 times more likely to die during the collapse of a delicious fruit (are coconuts a fruit? Holy shit, what the hell IS a coconut?) that resembles a human testicle, than even be approached by a shark.

I firmly believe that people are so scared of sharks because they don’t know anything about them other than the fact that they’re stealth hunters who are expert creepers and whose main purpose in life is to kill things, swim and make baby sharks.

It drives me absolutely insane when people start jumping to conclusions about how “sharks are everywhere now” and “don’t go swimming”. Here’s the thing: sharks have ALWAYS been around. Have you ever thought that maybe our science and technology has just finally advanced to the point that we’re able to tag, track and monitor these Gods of the ocean more closely?? #RESPECT

*Photo credit: L.Allenby

Fact: You are more likely to choke on a hot dog than be attacked by a shark. Last weekend alone I had 4 hot dogs (I’m not proud of this by any means, but felt the need to personally validate just how serious that analogy is) and I’m still kicking.

If you’re scared of something, the least you can do is educate yourself so you know how to avoid it. Example: I’m PETRIFIED of sloths. Putting aside the fact that nothing that moves that slowly can be from this planet, let’s acknowledge the fact that they’re rapists. I’m scared of them because after a lot of research, I also learned they happen to be a huge carrier of disgusting diseases, pee on themselves often and grow mold on their bodies. Now that I think about it, that description also fits a lot of people I know…but that’s not what’s important here. Sloths are fucking useless and nobody likes a rapist.

Back to sharks. When the news story came out last week about the women that were ‘attacked’ by a shark on Cape I got so mad I punched a pillow.  You take a kayak out, at dusk, and paddle into a group of seals to “see if you can get a picture of a great white”, what the hell did you think was going to happen? Dusk is when sharks feed and kayaks look EXACTLY like their main food source which you decided to paddle into. I don’t wish physical harm on anyone, but a large, small part of me wishes they suffered a minor flesh wound just so they know not to fuck around next time.

Think about it..would you go into the jungles of Africa, dressed like a zebra, hoping to get up close and personal with a pack of lions? No. So, why would you think it’s okay to paddle into a shark’s home, disguised as their prey, then blame it for taking a nibble? You probably also blame trees and plant life in general when you get a splinter and 100% steal salt and pepper packets from McDonald’s because those are the kinds of people that would be stupid enough to paddle into open ocean in hopes of seeing a shark then get pissed when one decides to say hello back.

Fact: vending machines are responsible for an average of 13 deaths a year. That’s more than two and a half times the amount of injuries caused by sharks. Better think twice next time you punch in that code for a bag of snack mix, homie.

So basically, what I’m saying, is stop being scared of something that you have no reason to be. Learn when and where not to swim, don’t be an idiot and I promise you, you’ll survive your dip in the ocean. If you ask me, there are WAY more things to be scared of than being attacked by a shark. Like being mugged, making eye contact with those guys at the mall that work the perfume kiosks, or getting raped by a sloth..all of which have a higher chance of occurring than you being bitten by a shark. Maybe not, but in all seriousness, what the fuck is a coconut?!

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Soo apparently people were concerned and extremely curious as to where I’ve been the last few weeks due to my lack of posts.

In response to most of your questions;

• No, I didn’t die
• Yes, I’m still part of The Real Cape
• No, my stalker didn’t kidnap me nor has he been holding me hostage in his basement
• Yes, I caused the category 6 earthquake in California and
• The rumor about me being in rehab, though funny and definitely the most interesting, is just plain ridiculous

But in all seriousness –

Where have you been?!

I wish my response was anywhere nearly as exciting as what’s listed above, but sadly I’ve just been insanely busy with my “real” job. Between traveling the country for work, prepping for a new position and spending time with my family; I haven’t had a moment to myself, let alone to write. Also, any free time I did have was spent sleeping and/or watching SyFy.

The most interesting trip was probs San Francisco a couple of weeks ago. I was of course there for the earthquake, because why wouldn’t I be present for the strongest natural disaster to hit the state of California in 25 years? I was literally tossed from my bed (not in a good way) at 3:30 in the morning and as soon as I realized what was happening I began to PANIC.

I don’t do well with natural disasters in general, so when one is thrown in hours before the biggest trade show/ career opportunity of my life while alone in a random city? Glitter Ginger don’t play that.

I was on the very top floor of the Hilton, and apparently newer buildings in California are built to “move with an earthquake”. I’m sorry, but by “move with an earthquake” do you mean rock harder than Janis Joplin on a fucking drug binge? Christ, that was scary. The earthquake, not Janice. I was so confused when I woke up via slamming my face into the carpet. It took a couple of seconds to figure out what was going on because I was 1 – woken from a dead sleep 2- was in the third random city in less than two weeks and 3 – took 5-7 melatonin (fuck you, time difference). My thought process was this;

What the fuck, why am I on the floor?

Well I’m alone so this is weird..

Where the fuck am I?

Oh yea, I’m in California.

Wait, is the room shaking? glasses begin to shatter

Is this a dream?

This isn’t a dream *I’m still on the floor..

I’m in California. They have earthquakes in California

HOLY FUCK IS THIS AN EARTHQUAKE?! pictures fall off the wall

HOLY FUCK THIS IS AN EARTHQUAKE

Aren’t I supposed to get in the tub or something?! *I’m still on the floor..

NO, a doorway you idiot.

FUCK that, fetal position it is.

Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. *Never left the floor..

FUCK YOU, CALIFORNIA.

The end.

Facebook: The Real Cape
Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony