I have a question. How does someone not know if they are “adventurous” enough to enjoy a purple pleasure sling? That’s a pretty specialized piece of equipment, it’s not like buying a pair of pants and then realizing that they just don’t fit right. Like, I know I’m not a leopard print Speedo guy. I don’t need to buy one and try it to make sure. Basically, if you have a drawer or shelf dedicated to flavored lubricants and sex toys, go ahead and get yourself a purple pleasure sling. If not, save your money.

One thing I can tell you for sure is if I did buy the purple pleasure sling and decided it wasn’t for me, I would eat the $50. Nothing like telling 30 thousand or so people on the internet that while you thought you were a freak in the sack, sadly, it turns out that you aren’t. Might as well wear a T-Shirt that says “Missionary With The Lights Off And Socks On Is How I Roll”.

P.S. You know you want to Google those missing instructions. Go ahead and do it.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Why is it that every time someone posts something on social media about a Memorial Day party, or how they are looking forward to the weekend, someone needs to post a photo of a soldiers casket or a child weeping over a grave and tell them to remember what Memorial Day REALLY means?

Fuck off, we know what it means, we are just choosing to honor the people that fought for our freedom by exercising it in the most American way possible. By cooking dead animals over fire, drinking 8 thousand Bud Lights, and throwing ping pong balls into SOLO cups, just like Uncle Sam would want. What better way to honor fallen soldiers than by enjoying yourself and the freedom they provided you?

This holiday shaming better not become a trend. I don’t need to feel guilty because I get a great deal on a Hyandai on Washington’s birthday. What do these people expect everyone to do? Go sit and cry at Arlington National Cemetery all weekend? Where does the wet blanketing end? Are people going to start admonishing each other because they aren’t dry humping trees on Arbor Day?

Listen, I appreciate the sacrifices that soldiers have made so I can sit on my ass in my boxers all day writing pointless shit on the internet, but I didn’t start any wars, so pardon me for enjoying the weekend, if it makes you feel any better I’ll say the pledge of allegiance after every 54th beer I drink.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

CBS – A Cape Cod resident cast a vote but lost their teeth on Tuesday.

Officials in the town of Brewster said that the dentures were found in a voting booth during the municipal election.

“Anyone recognize these?” the town asked in social media posts.

Fortunately, the teeth were reunited with their owner on Tuesday night.

“The dentures have been claimed,” the town posted. “Happy ending.”

And we wonder why the Fun Police have such a foothold on Cape Cod? This is our voting demographic. Turnouts were around 20% for our elections and 8% of them left their friggin’ teeth behind. The only people voting on this peninsula are still convinced Rock and Roll music is a fad.

By the way, why would anyone take their teeth out in a voting booth? We might want to launch an investigation into the Brewster candidates. One of them might have had their grandma giving out gummies in the voting booths in trade for votes. Seriously, why else would you take out your teeth in a voting booth?

All I know is if I’m the Brewster town clerk I’m checking to see if any candidates got 100% of the male votes.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Capenews.net – Joseph A. Vaudo, who lost his seat on the Sandwich Planning Board following a guilty plea in a criminal stolen oyster case, has returned to that board.

Mr. Vaudo, who lives on Route 6A, won a three-year term on the board with 38 write-in ballots in the Thursday, May 7, town election, according to the town clerk’s office.

Tough couple of days for Sandwich. You’ve got a couple of lunatics pressing criminal charges against a non-profit garden and now we find out they just elected a guy that screwed over an entire industry and the people of Sandwich to a three year term on their planning board? Yikes.

Pretty slick move by Joe on this one. Don’t put your name on the ballot so people can’t vote against you, but have all your friends and family write you in. Genius. Maybe it’s time to re think write in ballots, it’s pretty sneaky to not let anyone know you are even trying to get elected, I bet people would have shown up just to vote against him had they known. The greatest trick the devil pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.

Sorry Sandwich, but you got fleeced.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

CapeCodTimes.com – Two neighbors of Heritage Museums & Gardens have filed for a criminal complaint in Barnstable District Court, alleging elements of the facility’s new zip line park strayed from the original plans.

Don Stainbrook and Carlo DiPersio filed the application Friday under a provision of the law establishing the Old King’s Highway Historic District that allows “any person who sees a violation” to seek a criminal complaint. Stainbrook and DiPersio first brought the complaint to Building Inspector Paul Spiro who declined to intervene.

The park opened Saturday and Sunday with 140 visitors, Heritage CEO Ellen Spear said.

At issue in the complaint are two yurts, structures used at The Adventure Park at Heritage, that Stainbrook and DiPersio allege were moved after approval was granted by the Old King’s Highway Historic District Committee.

Holy shit these guys are possessed by anti fun demons. This is beyond Fun Policing at this point, this is Fun Gestapo level shit. If you aren’t familiar with this saga, we’ve written about it no less than SIX times already. CLICK HERE to catch up, but only if you are willing to get nauseous.

Do the people that have been fighting this adventure park tooth and nail just have absolutely nothing else going on in their lives? The 300 Spartans didn’t fight this hard against the Persians. It’s a park in the woods for kids for fucks sake, how rotten of a person do you have to be to hate fun this much? Or do they hate Yurts? What the hell is a Yurt?

Don and Carlo, or should I say “Hateskids McGee” and “Nofun Johnson”, have filed grievances with every single department of government possible. I’m not joking, every single one, and do you know how many boards, or committees, or departments along the way have sided with them? ZERO. Not one.

Forget about the provision in the law “that allows “any person who sees a violation” to seek a criminal complaint”. We need a provision in the law that states “any person who wastes everyone’s time and money just because they have no hobbies and hate children will be voted off the peninsula and asked to leave immediately”.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

Kickstarter – Farmer Willie Fenichel was raised on the brine-crusted soil of Cape Cod. Tending to his goats and gardens, Willie began brewing something magical—alcoholic ginger beer. Sharing his scrumptious farm-made creation with local beach-goers, Farmer Willie and his ginger beer soon became local hits. After teaming up with his close friends turned co-Founders, Nico and Max, the ginger revolution began. Many recipes later, we are almost ready to share Willie’s creation with the world.

How did one of you people not tell us about this? This has everything The Real Cape loves. Goats, alcohol, a farmer, Cape Cod, and alcohol. Somebody that knows somebody needs to get me some of this stuff ASAP. I mean, do they taste like Dahhk n’ Stormees kid? Because if that’s the case I’ll get fahhked up on these all summahh long kid!

Listen, I don’t know Farmer Willie and I have no idea if this stuff even tastes good. What I do know is that when someone tries to do something that simultaneously creates jobs while adding to the amount of booze produced right here on this peninsula, we will get behind it 12 times out of ten.

This is great for Cape Cod in many ways, so do what you can to support these guys. A win for Farmer Willie’s is a win for Cape Cod. We are Farmer Willie, Farmer Willie is us.

CLICK HERE to visit their website

CLICK HERE to help ’em get started on Kickstarter, they are very close to their goal

CLICK HERE to like their Facebook page

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Herald – A Hyannis doctor has agreed to shut down his practice and now faces criminal charges from Attorney General Maura Healey, who said he doled out powerful and addictive painkillers to patients with histories of substance abuse and then ordered MRIs and other tests to create a paper trail to cover his “unlawful practices.”

A grand jury returned indictments Friday against Dr. Mohammad Nassery, 63, charging him with 11 counts of illegal prescribing, nine counts of making false Medicaid claims and one count of larceny over $250, according to Healey’s office.

The case is the first Healey has brought against a doctor after she vowed earlier this year to crack down on so-called “pill mills.” The Herald reported last month that the new AG has ordered several of her top lieutenants to cull through Medicaid databases, and chase tips of doctors and clinics dishing out powerful painkillers without discretion — an approach she called one prong of her plan to fight opiate abuse.

Hmmm… so Mohammad is getting ’em hooked on Cape Cod, and when they can’t afford the prescription stuff anymore they need to switch over to heroin, which is grown by some dude in Afghanistan probably named… Mohammad. Coincidence?

Yes. The answer is yes. It’s a coincidence. But nothing brightens up a rainy Tuesday afternoon like some mild racial profiling with a dash of conspiracy theory on the side.

P.S. In all seriousness though, is it really making a difference when we keep arresting people for selling something that it’s perfectly legal to manufacture? It’s simple supply and demand, but instead of focusing on the supply or the demand we keep focusing on the middle men. Just get to the actual source of the problem will ya?

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony