AMSTERDAM — After more than a decade out of work because of a back injury and chronic alcoholism, Fred Schiphorst finally landed a job last year and is determined to keep it. He gets up at 5:30 a.m., walks his dog and then puts on a red tie, ready to clean litter from the streets of eastern Amsterdam.

Fred Schiphorst, 60, at left, making his rounds last week. “I’m not proud of being an alcoholic, but I am proud to have a job again.” Mr. Schiphorst used to be a construction worker.

“You have to look sharp,” said Mr. Schiphorst, 60, a former construction worker.

His workday begins unfailingly at 9 a.m. — with two cans of beer, a down payment on a salary paid mostly in alcohol. He gets two more cans at lunch and then another can or, if all goes smoothly, two to round off a productive day.

“I’m not proud of being an alcoholic, but I am proud to have a job again,” said Mr. Schiphorst, the grateful beneficiary of an unusual government-funded program to lure alcoholics off the streets by paying them in beer to pick up trash.

Absolutely genius. Can you imagine if they started this program on Cape Cod? Within three days there wouldn’t be one Big Mac wrapper to be found on the ground from Bourne to Provincetown. Bums would be catching potential litter out of mid air before it even has a chance to reach terra firma.

We wouldn’t have to stop there either, Coyote problem? How about a 30 pack bounty on each one? Cape booze bags would rid this peninsula of coyotes faster than St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.

The only problem is that if this program came to Cape Cod I’m afraid too many year round residents might quit their jobs and sign up. Not sure what that would do to the local economy. Maybe this program is best for areas with an alcoholism rate below 98 percent?

Thanks to Matt B. for the tip

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“The two youngest Chappy Ferry captains, Becca Hamilton and Jeffrey LaMarche, got engaged on November 22, 2013! Congratulations to them both!”

Sometimes it seems like all we ever post is bad news. Well here is one that’ll tug at your heartstrings. What are the chances of this happening? This sounds like a romantic comedy in the making. I don’t believe in fate but these two are making a pretty good argument for it. Gettin’ a little dusty in here.

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The Enterprise – The Bourne School Committee last night voted its unanimous support of an agreement that would allow Bourne High School students to earn a liberal arts associate’s degree from Cape Cod Community College at the same time as their high school diploma.

Bourne will be the first town on the Cape to offer the program to its juniors and seniors.

President of Cape Cod Community College John L. Cox  was on hand last night to help present the program, called Early College Experience, and answer questions about the educational partnership. (Just an excerpt, read full story here)

Excuse me? At first I thought they were saying that kids could get college credits while in high school. Nope. Students can now simultaneously earn a high school and college degree. The day they graduate from high school, they receive a college degree.

As if college degrees haven’t been devalued enough by our factory college system of debt for degrees. Now people who actually, you know, went to college, have to compete with a few hundred Doogie Howsers from Bourne? What’s next middle school nursing programs? Graduate from elementary school with a welding certificate?

Isn’t part of earning a degree from college proving you can live and work independently? So isn’t not going to college a good reason to not give someone a college degree? You know why they don’t give you a Harvard degree after taking small engine repair classes at DeVry? Because you DIDN”T GO TO HARVARD.

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CCD – Today on Cape Cod In 2006 – The infamous Osterville Madam was busted over the weekend for allegedly obtaining a phony passport in a Georgia woman’s name and using it to flee the country while on probation for prostitution…

The phony document, which had Simon’s picture but listed her name as “Linda Louise Jackson Ergle,” was discovered in a safety deposit box by authorities during a nasty dispute between the ex-call girl and the children of her late husband, a millionaire. Simon, 45, admitted to an Orleans judge that she used the fake passport. Asked on the witness stand if she tried to leave the country on a false passport after her prostitution conviction, Simon replied: “Oh, I didn’t just try,” court documents show.

What a great history lesson! You might want to share this with the kids when they get home from school. It will really give them a sense of the heritage of our peninsula. Seriously though, I’m starting to think that the guy who writes this column, Walter Brooks, is just trolling us with these… and I love it! Keep printing them Walter and I’ll keep taking the bait. First we had The Billionaire gut punch, today we get to reminisce about some slut travelling with a fake passport.

By the way that photo up there is from her wedding to some millionaire one year before he died of a terminal illness. For anyone out there who thinks there is a possibility that her intentions weren’t pure, I have it on good authority that her love for him was as real as a Centerville ghost. You can not get more real than that.

P.S. Gotta love her swagger when the judge asked if she tried to leave the country on a false passport and she replied, “Oh I didn’t just try”. Judge eyeball, meet whore swagger.

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Coast to Coast – Last night I covered a fire and my footage aired on several Boston stations as well as Hyannis News. here’s a link to last night’s story. People have pointed out an a figure in my top photo. some say it’s either an angel or a ghost.

You are out of your mind if you don’t think that is 100% a ghost. It is literally the only possibility here. Sure people might try to say that the fireman on the left is spraying water directly at the window with a hose but that doesn’t even make sense. Since when do firemen spray water towards burning houses? Ghost is the only explanation here. Mark it down. From now on ghosts are real. The argument is over, we have the proof.

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I feel like I should start this off by saying that we were not asked nor paid to write this by Cape Cod Chips. It is merely a joyous coincidence that the undisputed king of the potato chip game happens to call Cape Cod home.

Cape Cod is represented by some brands that standout on the national stage. At times we will point a flashlight at local companies that are a source of pride, but we will always remain objective and we will never exaggerate nor will we partake in hyperbole.

That said, are we all in agreement that Cape Cod Waffle Cut chips are the best potato chips in the history of the world? It’s not even close. It is as if an original Cape Cod Chip made sweet, sweet love to a Ruffle and they had a beautiful baby that is the perfect blend of crunchiness and airiness with just the right amount of salt.

The first time I ate Cape Cod Waffle Cut chips I stared at the bag in disbelief for a half hour, that’s how good they are. They simply turned the potato chip game on it’s head and it could even be argued that there has not been a bigger impact on the potato chip world since the great Joe “Spud” Murphy started adding flavor to them in the 1950’s.

Now that we have that out of the way, here is my all time Cape Cod Potato Chips Top 5 power rankings:

5. Original Sour Cream And Green Onion

4. Waffle Cut Farm Stand Ranch

3. Original Sea Salt And Vinegar

2. Original

1. Waffle Cut

And of course no Real Cape rankings would be complete without Insane Tony’s top 5 power rankings:

5. Original Sea Salt and Cracked Pepper
4. Original Robust Rustic (discontinued)
3. Original
2. Waffle Cut
1. Original Sweet Mesquite BBQ

editors note: nothing has ever proven how insane Tony really is more than this list. Putting BBQ at the top of these ranking is preposterous, if you were a defendant in a trial and they found out those were your favorite Cape Cod chip they would dismiss the case on grounds of insanity immediately.

So there you go, between the two of us the only flavor to not make someone’s list was Sweet and Spicy Jalapeno. Also please take notice that neither of us even mentioned reduced fat. Those do not belong anywhere near these rankings, they are the Wareham of the Cape Cod Potato Chip line.

P.S. Yes I put an editor’s note in a post I wrote myself, try and stop me.

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