Globe – Any moment now, Lady Gaga will be releasing a new version of her song “Do What U Want,” featuring vocals by Christina Aguilera. So what, you say? Well, Aguilera recorded her vocals last weekend in the living room of Carly Simon’s home on Martha’s Vineyard. We’re not sure why she chose Carly’s crib, but Oak Bluffs-based producer Jimmy Parr oversaw the session, and his new studio is still under construction.

What the hell is this crap? How Does my girl Christina sneak over to The Vineyard right under my nose and not hit me up? I figured she would have heard that I put her on my coveted 15 coolest Christmas songs list by now. I just thought I could expect at least a phone call if she was in the area.

Maybe she was pissed that I only put her at number 12 and she snubbed me on purpose? Probably because she’s hot again, gross Christina would have at least texted me I’m sure. All I know is I hope Shane MacGowan doesn’t slim down, grow his teeth back and get big timey. The only reason I put him at number one was in the hopes of getting a gummy from his handsome ass.

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The Watah is 15 degrees below zero!

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You can’t reflect on P-Dub without reflecting on OG. All you youngsters listen up, this is Cape Rap royalty we are hitting you with today.

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Our next reflection is really just an excuse to post that fantastic photo above taken by MinFin Photography, I mean it’s fucking glorious right? But there’s also this video by John that’s pretty cool as well. If you haven’t made plans yet he’s playing in Boston tonight with some other great local musicians at Bar Louie.

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New Year’s is a time for reflection. Looking back. So we are going to dedicate this post to someone many people on Cape Cod love and haven’t seen in a long time. Phineas Heywood. If anyone out there has any classic P-Dub stuff and wants to get it to us we will post it for everyone to hear.

This one is a song by him and Luke Vose of Crooked Coast fame. This one is about going to your own funeral.

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It’s motherfuckin’ New Year’s Eve! It’s a sacred celebration of just another day that marks a relatively arbitrary occasion based on two minuscule rocks that are completely irrelevant on the grand scale of universal existence… let’s get drunk!

What better reason could there be to put on high heels, drink flavored vodka and get so fucked up that creepy guy Johnson doesn’t even need to waste a roofie? I mean the earth made it around the sun again am I right!? AM I RIGHT!?

So here’s a poem about this great night that is dedicated to all the posers coming out and making the line at the bar longer than normal. If you really want to you can send it in as a Pulitzer nomination but I didn’t write it with awards in mind. It does rhyme though, which is fucking awesome.

Twas the night of new years eve and all through the state,

the amateurs are ready to come out of the gates,

the girls are  all dressed up and they’re ready to booze,

their morals and dignity they’re about to lose,

but somewhere there’s veterans that know it ain’t great,

Because to them it’s just a Tuesday, out on The Cape.

So good luck to you people who don’t party all year,

and high fives to the rest, who don’t really care,

Yes for some it’s their debut, out in the fray,

but for most on The Cape, it’s just another day,

Except with more assholes to get in our way.

So think about this, while you’re out on the town,

We do this every day, while your not around.

Please think of the rest of us, while you act all gay

Because to us, this is just, a regular day,

So get all wobbly, all bobbly and weave,

We truly can’t wait until you finally leave

So the rest of us can relax and celebrate New Year’s Eve.

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CCT – HYANNIS – The elderly driver of a sedan was injured Saturday after crashing through the empty location next to the T-Mobile store in Hyannis. The car crashed through the large plate glass window of the unoccupied store in the Cape Town Plaza on Iyannough Road narrowly missing the occupied T-Mobile store next door.

You have to think that this old hag was aiming for the T-Mobile store right? She was frustrated. When’s the last time you talked to someone who was on a T-Mobile phone? It’s like talking to Charlie Browns teacher through a McDonald’s drive thru speaker. The only thing worse than T-Mobile is Boost Mobile. And that must get really frustrating because I’m pretty sure 98% of Boost customers are drug dealers right?

I’m sure there’s nothing worse than dropping a call in the middle of a crack deal. People would be losing their minds. Crack heads hanging off telephone poles waving coat hangers and shit trying to get service. Skinny bitches incubating crack eggs in birds nests at the top of Oak trees with their heads bobbing on their flip phones trying to score some more rock. Anything for service.

Here’s where I straight up school everyone with the best idea to curb drug use in the history of ideas. No hyperbole, just the best idea about anything ever since anything was invented… ever. Here it is. Forget about all this war on drugs crap and let’s make it simple, We can immediately cut out half the drug use on Cape Cod just by knocking over the Boost Mobile Cell Tower. Can you hear me now crack dealer?

No, no I can’t. No crack for you.

P.S. Any law enforcement agencies that would like to hire me can email me. I know this kind of genius thinking is in high demand.

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony