MVTimes.com – A Tisbury man with a record of violent assaults was ordered held on $250,000 bail Wednesday, after his arrest on charges of attempted murder, assault, unlawful possession of weapons and and unlawful possession of an explosive device.

Police responded to a home on North Williams Street shortly after 4 am. A woman who lives there said her boyfriend, Matthew Gamache, choked her and head butted her, after they argued about turning off a television.

Police seized 24 guns, thousands of rounds of ammunition, and several pounds of black powder, most of it stored behind a locked door fastened shut with wood screws.

Police also found a small cylinder wrapped in duct tape, with a green cord of fuse-like material sticking out from the top, according to the police report.

Quite a few of you have sent me this article saying “Hey Hippie, why haven’t you written about this dude, he’s violent and hurt other people, he passes your test, he’s fair game”.

Yeah well, let me tell you about my second test. If a person gets caught with more than 20 guns, over one pound of black powder and any number of home made bombs then they are no longer in my wheelhouse. I may be an asshole, but I’m not stupid.

What I am about to say comes with a staunch history of not condoning violence of any kind, but let’s have real talk for a second. If your boyfriend has a room with so many weapons in it that he screws the door shut? Then you need to be much pickier about the battles you decide to fight. You just don’t argue petty things like whether or not to turn off the T.V.

“On, off, I don’t care, whichever you prefer honey” is literally the only play in that argument when you are dating the fucking Unabomber. There is simply no television program worth risking getting bombed over. Well maybe Game of Thrones but that’s not even in season.

So I would like to close this out by saying that I am sure this is all a big misunderstanding. I am sure Mathew Gamache is a wonderful person and a doting boyfriend. I can only hope that he is fully exonerated of these heinous accusations and finds it in himself to kindly remove me from any and all kill lists he may have.

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Ever notice that church people can act just like crazy homeless people and nobody cares? Seriously, if these pastors were homeless they would have been arrested two seconds into this operation.

“Harwich police”

“Yeah this is Linda from Dunkin’, there are crazy homeless people rubbing dirt on peoples faces in our parking lot”

*sounds of squealing tires and sirens immediately emanate from the receiver…

What a sad day for religion. Nothing worse than being so desperate that you’ve been relegated to Dunkin’ Donuts’ sloppy seconds. An incredible fall from grace if you think about it. In a few hundred years the church has gone from ruling the world to asking people if they want a side of ashface with their coffee at Dunkin’ Funkin’ Donuts.

thanks to Paula for the tip

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CapeCodToday.com – On this day in 1639, the town of Barnstable was incorporated as a municipality, one of three towns established on the Cape that year, along with Sandwich and Yarmouth.

The first group of settlers of European descent to live in Barnstable were led by the Rev. John Lothrop, a Congregational minister who had been imprisoned in England and emigrated to America with two dozen followers.

The new town would be named – and misspelled – after its sister town of Barnstaple in England.

Well, well, well, would you look at that? Barnstable was founded by a guy who did time. Looks like John Lothrop, besides having the most old timey European settler name ever, was also the original Cape Cod criminal. I guess Hy-Town has been a haven for ex cons ever since day one.

Great day for the Hy-Town hood rats though. From now on they can say that they’re just trying to pay homage to their founding father. Forget about “keeping it real”, Barnstable gangstas are “keeping it Lothrop”.

P.S. Absolutely hysterical that he misspelled Barnstaple, I bet John Lothrop wore saggy jeans and Ed Hardy shirts to the saloon.

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CL – Seeking wrestling actors $100 an hour

Seeking slim/muscled males for pro style wrestling. No experience needed and it is a laid back, low pressure environment. Payment starts at $100 per filmed hour.

What the hell? How was Insane Tony not immediately contac… oh wait, slim/muscled? Right.

Anyways, this seems like a great opportunity for all you aspiring WWE wrestlers struggling to find your big break on Cape Cod. $100 per hour isn’t too shabby. Unfortunately there is no chance whatsoever that this match doesn’t turn into a sword fight.

Talk about an emotional roller coaster. One minute you’ve got the entire world in a figure four leg lock and the next thing you know you’re playing tummy sticks with The Iron Sheik while some random dude from Craigslist films it with an iPhone 3.

P.S. It’s really too bad about the slim/muscled thing because Insane Tony would really be perfect for either scenario.

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CapeCodOnline.com – The National Park Service says there were nearly 10.5 million visitors to national parks in Massachusetts in 2012.

Those visitors spent more than $500 million, helping support about 6,500 jobs.

The Cape Cod National Seashore, one of more than a dozen national parks in Massachusetts, accounted for nearly one-third of those visitors. More than 3 million people visited, spending about $158 million.

The Boston National Historical Park — which includes Faneuil Hall, the Old South Meeting House, the Paul Revere House and the Old North Church — had 2.6 million visitors. They spent about $141 million.

Oh no biggie, just Cape Cod stomping all over Boston. Looks like we have irrefutable proof who rules the roost in Massachusetts. All of you people in the big city who look down on The Cape like a little brother are eating your words today. Looks like the little brother hit a growth spurt and straight bitch slapped you Beantown.

Faneuil Hall, Paul Revere House and friends think they’re hot shit with their 2.6 million visitors? Well wait just a Minuteman, look who’s over the 3 mil mark. Boston is just so cute with its big buildings, tunnels and international airport. Meanwhile Cape Cod is just quietly going about its business like a boss and attracting millions of people from all over the world. We might as well throw the State House on a flatbed and start hauling it down 495 because we all know where the real capital of Massachusetts is.

P.S. The fact that our National Seashore is far and away the most visited park in the state, yet every year there’s a fight over whether or not we should send our own students there is Cape Cod in a nutshell.

P.P.S. I’m sorry about that Minuteman joke, I don’t know what came over me.

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CapeCodOnline.com – An East Falmouth man who allegedly tried to use a stolen credit card to pay for a ride to the Falmouth Police Department faces a litany of charges in connection to that incident and an unrelated burglary.

Paul Stites, 32, pleaded not guilty to 10 charges spanning two cases at his arraignment Monday in Falmouth District Court.

In the first case, an East Falmouth resident reported she found Stites in her home Friday when she came out of the shower, court records state. He said he needed to use the phone and had knocked; however, she later found her husband’s wallet and credit card and some jewelry missing from her home. The credit card was later used at a gas station and some of the jewelry was recovered at an area pawn shop.

Stites is charged with breaking and entering during the daytime putting a person in fear, two counts of larceny of more than $250 and receiving stolen property in connection with that incident.

While investigating that matter, police contacted Stites and told him to come to the police station for questioning. He did so on Saturday, but according to court records the taxi driver who took him to the police department told officers that he was using a credit card with someone else’s name on it.

It’s been quite a while since we’ve seen an Einstein of East Falmouth at work here on The Real Cape. Make no mistake, this ladies and gentleman is one for the ages. Paul has secured himself a spot in the pantheon of all time greats with this move.

Hey at least he was doing the right thing and turning himself in right? It takes a real upstanding citizen to do whatever it takes to get himself to the station in his situation. He could have let the fact that he had no money hinder his ability to be in full compliance of the law but he didn’t. He stepped up, did the right thing, and faced his theft charges head on… with a stolen credit card.

You can’t teach that type of ingenuity folks, it takes a special breed of person to face the music of 10 assorted stolen property and theft charges by committing a little credit card fraud right in the police station parking lot. Hey FPD, you don’t want Paul using a stolen credit card right in your face? Then don’t ask him to come to the station when you know damn well his cash is all tied up in stolen coins, that’s pretty much entrapment.

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