I ate more on Saturday than I did the entire month of April

04/28/2014

My company moved offices to a new location in downtown Boston and it has done nothing but awful things for both my liver and my wallet. For starters, it’s directly across the street from Nordstrom Rack and Kate Spade and I have a Marshall’s IN my building. I physically have to look at the seasonal window display every time I enter and not going in to buy the mint colored envelope clutch with the matching mary jane pumps can only be compared to the pain that is pulling out ones eyelids.

Oh, and there’s like a MILLION bars. Everywhere. And we drink a lot in the office. This one guy, has whiskey at his desk and I sometimes, maybe a lot, take swigs when I walk by. Which is 3-4 times a day. 5 on Friday. Whatever, anyways.

**Disclaimer: Friday was the first time I had an alcoholic beverage in WEEKS as I had been detoxing in preparation for the Boston Marathon – taking that into consideration, in addition to the fact that it takes days for your body to re-hydrate after a marathon, it’s no wonder why my weekend ended the way it did…

On Friday we usually have a beer or two in the office to celebrate the week and not getting fired or dying, and then people either head home or to the bar. I chose to head out for (what always turn out to be my famous last words) “one glass of wine”.

Well one glass of wine VERY quickly turned into me somehow weird getting black out and waking up with no pants on and a cheeseburger. AGAIN. This is what I remember/have been able to collect:

I headed to a “nice” restaurant, that served pate. Who in the fuck eats pate? I clearly didn’t belong there, two glasses of wine later…bye
I was talked into one more stop, for one more glass of wine and this is where shit got WEIRD
I reached for my phone and had a million text messages and notifications. I was extremely confused but then realized that I had somehow magically been put into a pretend Facebook relationship with a childhood friend who is 1- maybe someone I’d date but like, I’d kind of want to be involved in that decision and 2- why? Whatever, I decided to deal with it in the morning
I vaguely remember some skank in a tank top and Uggs (p.s. let’s pretend it’s an acceptable temperature to wear a tank top out, but with Uggs? Go home – you’re tacky) talking shit in the bathroom because my friend politely said “excuse me” when she tried to wash her hands. This is why I normally always carry hand sanitizer and honestly, get out of my fucking way before I cut you with the knife I ALWAYS carry because it matches the inner lining of my designer handbag and honestly you just never know when you’ll need help opening a box. Or a stalker

I don’t remember how I got to the train from that last bar but I apparently somehow did…because the next thing I know I’m sitting on the red line throwing up in a shoe, holding a computer and listening to the Frozen soundtrack
What?
One thing leads to another and I’m waking up in my apartment with no pants, my shoes in the tub, I can’t find my car and I’m still in a Facebook relationship
I ended the relationship, called a cab and went to the T station, praying my car was there, which it was, which was great
I was STARVING. Probably because I threw up everything I had eaten in the last 36 hours but I just couldn’t, like could NOT, commit to either Burger King or McDonald’s so I said fuck it and decided to go to both
I accidentally forgot to pay at Burger King, but it was their fault. They gave me the food before they asked for the money so honestly, like..I’m not sorry
I ate everything
Sunday morning I ran a 5k then drank a ton of beer
I came home and watched a Lifetime movie on Anorexia while crushing beers and eating chips in what I think are my ex boyfriends sweatpants.

What’d you do?

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Twitter: Hippie - Insane Tony

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Cape Cod Craigslist Ad Of The Day – DRAG QUEEN NEEDED!!

04/24/201404/24/2014

DRAG QUEEN NEEDED!! (Provincetown)

compensation: To be discussed.

Hey you fabulous ladies! I need a fantastic tranny to come surprise a friend for a bachelorette party. First weekend in May, exact times and dates to be agreed upon.

Isn’t needing a drag queen in Provincetown kind of like needing a candle in a Yankee Candle store? What I mean is you don’t need a Craigslist Ad sweetheart, you’re surrounded by candles, just pick one.

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Pretty Cool Video Of The Cape And Islands In 1934

04/24/201404/24/2014

You know what is really cool about this video? Things don’t look all that much different now than they did in 1934. The Real Cape stance of being in favor of Lowe’s being rejected in Dennis was not our most popular, but watching this totally reinforced it. Preserve the culture and you preserve the #1 industry. Tourism.

Don’t Jersey The Cape!

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Paralyzed Guy Settles Suit With Delta Over Nantucket Flight

04/24/201404/24/2014

CapeCodOnline.com – A partially paralyzed Maui man who said airline workers forced him to crawl on and off flights to and from Nantucket in 2012 has settled his lawsuit against Delta Air Lines, his lawyer confirmed Tuesday.

Baraka Kanaan sued Delta last year, saying the airline did not provide him a wheelchair or other assistance while boarding a flight from Maui to Nantucket and again when boarding a return flight from Nantucket to Maui during the summer of 2012.

Kanaan has been unable to walk since an accident in 2000. His lawsuit said he had to crawl across the tarmac, up and down the plane’s stairs and down the aisle to his seat coming to and leaving Nantucket. The suit said the ordeals were humiliating and caused wrenching pain a week before he was scheduled to have spinal fusion surgery.

The lawsuit accused Delta of negligence and of noncompliance with the Airline Carrier Access Act because the airline did not have an aisle chair to help Kanaan to his seat, nor a lift to get him up and down the stairs, nor any assistance to get him from the plane to his wheelchair.

“Purportedly fearful of liability,” the suit stated, “the flight crew refused to assist Mr. Kanaan, instead serving as spectators themselves.”

Kanaan called the airline to arrange for help before both flights, the lawsuit said. Both times, the airline assured him that he would be accommodated. When he arrived for his return flight, the airline did offer a piece of cardboard to allow him to crawl across the tarmac without sullying his clothes. Kanaan found the offer unhelpful.

“They basically watched me crawl,” Kanaan said during an interview with the Times in July.

Obviously this is a horrendous move by the airline workers, but they only get part of the blame. You have to put some of this on society. We live in a world where people are so scared of being liable in court if something goes wrong, that they will watch a disabled man crawl across a fucking runway and up a flight of stairs without helping him. That is just absolutely deplorable.

That said, if you are on that Delta crew you have to help this guy no matter what. It’s not like you are working for the Nazi’s and they’ll execute you if you are found helping the inferior race. You losing your job is the worst case scenario here, not that big of a deal if it means you don’t have to hand out cardboard for paralyzed people to crawl on like they are about to pop off a backspin.

The really big question is how did not one of the other passengers on that flight help this dude out? It takes a special type of dickhead to watch this go down and not get off your ass and lend this guy a hand. But even MORE important is the biggest question of all to come out of this story…

Are they saying this was a direct flight between Maui and Nantucket? I think they are right? Holy shit! Is that not the most pretentious flight path in the world? You are living the absolute LIFE if you ever need to fly direct from Nantucket to Maui. I wonder if they have locker rooms on the plane where you can change out of your Nantucket Reds and into your board shorts? It’s amazing that there are enough people making this trip on a regular basis that there is a direct flight.

No wonder none of the other passengers helped this guy out. If I was living a life where I fly between Nantucket and Maui direct I wouldn’t risk breaking so much as a nail carrying some dude across a tarmac. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

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Is Route 6 The Most Dangerous Road In The Universe?

04/24/201404/24/2014

I am sure most of you are saying to yourselves that the headline of this post is some major hyperbole, but it’s not. Here in The Real Cape headquarters war room we have a highly sophisticated network of alerts, streams and various other forms of monitoring in place when it comes to the gathering of any and all Cape Cod news. While our system is so advanced that you probably can’t comprehend it, let me give you some data.

For instance, we use a new cutting edge technique of information gathering called a “Google search”. Since this type of technology is not available to most layman, we have a screenshot for you. The following shows the results of an internet wide, news filtered (very high tech) search of “route 6 Cape Cod”…

Look at those results, Google doesn’t lie folks.

All kidding aside, there really seems to be a major accident and shutdown on Route 6 every single day. Maybe it’s because Cape Cod has a disproportionate number of old people. Maybe people on Cape Cod are always in a rush. Maybe the road is cursed. It could also simply be a case of nothing else of note ever happening on Cape Cod, leading to reporters using traffic accidents as a crutch of sorts on slow news days.

The latter of those theories seems the most likely when you think about it. At this very moment you are reading an article about how dangerous Route 6 is that was definitely written by someone using the story as a crutch on a slow news day. It seems like propaganda can be the tail wagging the dog sometimes. I think I just melted my own brain. Reminds me of that great quote…

“Don’t believe everything you read on the internet” – Abraham Lincoln

P.S. Anyone that calls out this headline as irresponsible by saying we don’t know how dangerous roads are in other places in the Universe is an idiot. Everyone knows aliens don’t use roads, they compress and expand matter to move through time and space, duh!

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The Most Annoying Question if you Grew up on Cape Cod..

04/24/201404/28/2014

Whether you went away to college, are on vacation or just strike up a conversation with a person who isn’t from the area..whenever someone asks where you’re from and you respond with “Cape Cod”, they almost always have an idiotic answer. It usually falls somewhere between “like..you grew up there? Like even went to school there and stuff?” or “no, I mean like where you’re from..like originally, not where you summered”. But hands down, the question I always for some reason get incredibly annoyed with is,

What the hell did you do in the winter?

You mean outside of making babies and/or forming drug problems? Or things outside of celebrating the fact that there’s no more traffic, not having to wait in line for a beer or pay a cover to get into a bar that normally offers us money to go there in the winter?

We do this.

But seriously, we do the same shit we do in the summer, just in more layers. I did all kinds of great things in the winter on Cape Cod. For starters, we spend just as much time on the beach, it just happens to be in sweatshirts around a fire and usually illegally because you can’t drink or have fires on public beaches. Actually, we do that in the summer too but in the winter we have to seek out private establishments that were only inhibited in the summer so we could get a solid 3-4 hours of drinking in before the Cops came. Here’s a picture of Hippie and Insane Tony getting ready for a bonfire party this past winter:

If there wasn’t a bonfire to attend at a random private beach behind a rich persons home, then we of course got in our cars and *P-5’d around town. P-5ing was one of my favorite things to do because I had a Chevy Blazer with a pretty decent system (and by ‘decent system’ I mean a hatch back that I would 100% drive with open and a tape player) that I would bump to the sounds of my sweet mix tape containing the hottest tracks from Ice Cube and Britney Spears.

*If you don’t know what a P-5 is, then you’re clearly not from Cape Cod, which means you probs won’t find any of this relevant, but I’m okay with sharing the wealth that is Cape Cod Winter Knowledge. A Portuguese-500, or P-5 as we call it, is when you get in your car and drive in some sort of circle with no other purpose other than to see who else is driving around said circle. I’m from Falmouth, so our P-5 typically consisted of starting somewhere around the Christmas Tree Shop/Dairy Queen area, continuing uptown to see if the fast and the furious were at Dunkin Donuts (even though you would never stop, ew, you just wanted to see) driving down main street, around the village green, back down main street, and then..well, you’re done I guess. Sometimes I’d take a detour down to the Harbor until I almost got arrested once and then I only went there at night with summer hockey kids. Wooops. Also – some people thought a real P-5 was starting on Hyannis Main St and going all the way to Falmouth Village Green but seriously, who has time for that? That’s like a P-5,000.

No word of a lie I met a kid once whose response when I said I grew up on Cape Cod was, “I heard you guys drive around in circles for fun in the winter.” Say it like it’s a bad thing but I had a fucking blast waving at people and bumping my sweet jams while housing my Dairy Queen cone. Dick.

Football games were always a huge thing in High School. Not so much attending the games to watch, but meeting up at an after party at someone’s parents house or Friendly’s to not buy anything but rather see how long it takes you to get kicked out when you order 1 milkshake for a table of 7 because you were too poor to buy anything else. It’s fucking winter, we didn’t work, and why the fuck are fribbles so expensive? Anyways..

All of this might sound boring for some of you city folk, but one thing I feel as though you get as a result of a Cape Cod upbringing is the most grounded, real and best group of friends anyone can have. Sure, there were different “groups” in high school but we all came together at some point in our childhood or adult life because there wasn’t anything else to fucking do! You might have rolled in different circles but that shit went out the window when the party started and the beers started flowing. You spend years in school with the same people and know their stories whether you want to or not. I have met some amazing people I’m proud to call my friends but none like my Cape friends.

They’re the ones you spent all day, every day with when there was nothing to do but steal shit from Cherry and Webb or freeze your ass off around a bonfire at Trunk River. They’ll eat bologna sandwiches for lunch instead of waiting in line at the food shack at the beach because they know you’d rather spend the $8.50 on two beers that night. They always have a beach chair in their trunk and would rather die than wear heels out on Cape Cod. They’re your best friends, they’re home.

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New Cape Cod Consent To Search Program – It’s Ridiculous That We Even Need It

04/23/2014

In the true spirit of collaboration and community, the Cape & Islands District Attorney’s Office and all fifteen Barnstable County police departments (plus Nantucket) have joined together to create and implement the Cape’s first Consent to Search program. The program would allow for a member of law enforcement to search the room of a minor for a firearm with the expressed consent of the minor’s parent or legal guardian. Should that officer find a firearm, it would be confiscated, but the juvenile would not be arrested by police or prosecuted by the district attorney’s office. The goal of the program is to take guns out of the hands of minors.

Am I missing something here? Since when can’t a parent let a cop search a kids room without consent? Have we really gotten so soft that our kids are demanding search warrants for their rooms? When I was a teenager if my parents thought I had a gun in my room there certainly wouldn’t be any “expressed consent” needed, they’d kick the door off the hinges if need be and there wouldn’t be thing I could do about it.

This is the problem with respecting children’s wishes to the point of being a pussy that is owned by your child. First they are telling you what to buy at the grocery store, then they move on to deciding what’s for dinner, the next thing you know they are demanding search warrants for you to enter their illegal AK-47 lockers and shit.

When I was a kid I can’t count how many times adults told me that I don’t have any rights, and it’s a good thing I didn’t because I would have been twenty times the prick I was. Kids don’t grow up to appreciate rights unless they live the first 18 years of their life without them. Consent to search a teenagers room? Give me a break America.

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