Capecodtoday.com – A Hyannis woman spent Christmas in jail after being accused of stealing Toys for Tots donations meant for her neighbors’ children. According to a Barnstable police release, officers were called to Hinckley Road around 9:15 p.m. on Christmas Eve where two people told them their neighbor, 49-year-old Janice Tully, stole presents intended for their children.

According to police, the pair said Tully gave them a ride to the Barnstable Police Station, then Independence House, to pick up toys for their five children. The officers were told that after putting the toys in her trunk, Tully abruptly left Independence House alone, telling her two neighbors that she would catch up with them later.

I had to triple check this story to make sure it wasn’t the same one we already posted. I guess this is a thing now? People go and get toys donated for kids on Christmas and then sell them? Seems legit.

So this is the opposite situation from the previous post. If you are a 0, and you add a willingness to steal toys from needy children on Christmas, then what does that make you? A -37? Did Janice Tully just set a record? I think she did right?

Mark it down, on 12/27/13, Janice Tully was declared to have set a Real Cape record when she was rated a -37. Remember this day folks, this record could stand a long, long time. You may have just witnessed the Wilt Chamberlain 100 pt. game of nasty Cape bitches.

 

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Capecodtoday.com – An off duty detective witnessed a Yarmouth woman allegedly shoplift from Victoria’s Secret.

The suspect, 39-year-old Sarah I. Bryant of Yarmouth, is reportedly well known to police, according to the release.

The detective called Barnstable police dispatch and maintained surveillance, following Bryant to Jo-Ann Fabrics.  When on duty officers arrived and confronted Bryant, she reportedly had the items taken from Victoria’s Secret.

According to police, Bryant is currently out on bail on five open larceny-related cases (fifteen counts total). The cases are from Barnstable District Court, Falmouth District Court and Wareham Fourth District Court.

If you’re a guy you just can’t help being turned on by this right? I mean this chick is out on bail with five open cases, and she is still willing to add on to that just to make sure she has some sexy lingerie for the bedroom. You simply can’t teach that type of dedication to the g-string game. There’s no chance in hell I’d do time for a Speedo.

I’m sure all the girls reading this will be all “eww… she’s a nasty ratchet* bitch, why would you say that”? But the simple fact is that you can be a 5, but if you add a willingness to risk going to prison for some silk panties, that turns you automatically into an 8. I don’t want it to be true, I don’t feel good about it, but that doesn’t make it any less real. Sometimes a guy just wants to know a girl is going to throw a glass at his head, key his car and put Newports out on her arm until he “loves her back”.

* That was my first ever attempt at the word ratchet, this chick is definitely ratchet right?

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I highly doubt you want to be the chump who missed out on seeing Afroman TONIGHT at The Beach House right? Well you should probably get your tickets in advance because this one will sell out. IT’S AFROMAN ON THE CAPE! Don’t be the asshole that was gonna get tickets, but then you got high.

Here’s the Beach House website, Facebook Page and phone: (508) 564-5029 no excuses.

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Capecodonline.com – A Wareham woman who told a Sandwich charity she was facing eviction and did not have money to buy Christmas gifts for her two small children has been arrested after allegedly trying to sell the presents to her neighbors.

Kimberly Lawson, 44, of East Wareham, was arraigned Monday in Wareham District Court on a charge of receiving stolen property following her arrest on Friday, according to court documents.

Wareham police said Lawson lied about her financial need to the St. Vincent de Paul Charities, a branch of the Corpus Christi Parish in Sandwich, and accepted Christmas gifts and $800 in cash for her back rent.

According to court documents, Lawson claimed to have four young children and to be in an abusive relationship as well as being behind on her rent and facing eviction. She really has two adult children, ages 21 and 24, court records indicate.

This might be the most Warehammy story ever. A nice little Cape Cod Church in Sandwich is just quietly trying to help some people around Christmas. Next thing you know Wendy the Wareham Wildebeest swims across the canal like she’s migrating across an African river to defraud the shit out of the place.

In the past we’ve said it’s time to deploy some guardsmen from Otis to establish a perimeter around Wareham. Well that’s not enough and now is the time to act. We need alligators in The Canal and lions to patrol the banks. This could be the beginning of the great migration folks and the last thing any real Cape Codder wants to see is 10,000 Waredebeests coming at us at once.

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Capecodtoday.com – In response to an ever present need, Cape Cod Healthcare will hold twelve blood drives in January, National Volunteer Blood Donor Month. According to a release from Cape Cod Healthcare, January is an especially challenging month when it comes to blood donations.

Several factors including illness and inclement weather can keep donors from giving.

I don’t think it’s just “illness and inclement weather” that is going to keep people on Cape Cod from donating blood in the middle of the winter. It might have more to do with the fact that the average persons blood alcohol level is about 0.25 in January. It’s kinda tough to donate blood when there’s basically Bloody Mary’s coursing through your veins.

On the flip side I guess getting some January Cape Cod blood in a transfusion would be nice. No matter how sick or dying you were before won’t matter to you at all once you get some townie blood in you. You’ll be so shitfaced that you’ll probably just crush some hospital food, try to bang your nurse and pass out mumbling about high school football.

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Merry Christmas Cape Cod. Thanks for checking in, we will be back to our regularly scheduled daily programming on Thursday.

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Did you finally get the Zooquarium song out of your head? Well the Thompson’s Clam Bar one will gladly take it’s spot!

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